Session 31

Shuffling in second hand boots 4 sizes to big, Hoff lugged all his ill fitting new clothes and jangling array of pendants and crystal weaponry to the open mouth of the mystical cave at the back of the temple of the Dji Cantos.

"Do you think I could possibly take these shoes off?" he asks Dirr

"Ugh - do you HAVE to talk to me? And don't even THINK about taking your shoes off, your armour off, your trousers off - ANYTHING off! We already talked about you and nudity - give it a rest!"

"Nudity? What? I just thought that, since these shoes are too big..."

"What. Ever."

Hoff slumped and wondered what kind of person he'd been before they came to this island. He'd seen his former self strip off and run away to the horizon, but he'd just assumed that was due to some kind of mental breakdown.

"So what's the deal with these caves Hoff?"

"Look. Really, I'm sorry your friend went--"

Tom silences her jibber jabber with a stern glare. A glare that says "part of my brain knows that what you're going to tell me is true. But most of my brain doesn't want to know it and will do anything necessary to not know it."

"This cave was how we arrived on Albion..."

"But we arrived here in our space pod Hoff..."

"Oh, um yes. Yes of course. I mean... Um... 'we' as in 'humanity'... This cave was how humanity arrived on this planet..."

"But I thought that humanity arrived on Gratogel, land of the ancience Celts? We saw an oak tree (that has somehow survived 2000 years) that marked the spot!"

"Yeah... That's what the Druids believe... But like we said, only WE know about Amoeba, the real goddess of Albion and all the REAL history of how humans got here..."

"WE?" Chips in Dirr.

"Yes - the Dji Cantos"

"Oh, so first you want to be a naked scientist, now you want to be one of the Dji Cantos? What's your problem Hoff? Aren't we good enough for you?"

"You're such a FREAK Hoff." Spites Siobhan.

They walk on, Hoff boggling at the insanity of the situation and wondering why he's going along with it all. These people aren't his friends... But maybe they will be... He just needs to stick with it - ride out the teething period and it's bound to start going his way.

"What's that thing then?" Tom asks.

The tunnel around them has changed over from the ornate brick work of the palace to the rough, raw stone of a natural cave. Up ahead the passage opens out into a large chamber - the path lined with impossibly regularly placed crystal formations. The space is illuminated by a whirling tornado of blue energy in the centre of the room.

"Tom, it looks just like those Lights of The Goddess - you know the whirling light vortexes that only turn up in particularly holy places? You remember - we found a load of them in that abomination building that was part man part club house part murder chamber? They increased out stats..."

"Well yes - the lights of the Goddess ARE sort of related to this thing." Explains Hoff. "You see, this is manifestation of the goddess. You simply step into her and we can go all over the place! I suggest we go to Umajo's HotLand to find your metal ship!"

"OUR metal ship? It's YOUR metal ship Hoff..."

"Um... Well..."

Siobhan fixes him with her furious glare.

"Yes... yes ok."

At the back of the room are some healing pools of water which the team take turns to stand in before setting off. They ran out of food (and money) in Beloveno - as such they don't heal at all when they rest so need all the magical water they can get. Weirdly the Dji Cantos don't have any supplies of food at all - despite having a chef - so the whole gang are still suffering from wounds sustained in their last fight with Krondirs and Warniaks.

When everyone's ready, they jump into the swirly whirly manifestation of Amoeba.

First, they are all filled with a wonderful floating sensation. Then they become aware of an omnipresent conciousness - nothing at all like the mother goddess of the cat-like people whose planet is being torn apart by humans who lust for mining in the film Avatar.

Then they become aware of paths leading away through the mystical magical body of the goddess to... Everywhere they've previously visited on the planet!

BAM! In one fell-swoop the game goes from being a linear progression from town to town to being a go-where-you-like open-world RPG. I have to say, it's held back on this for a LONG time. It's not unusual for RPG's to make you go along a set path for a while then open up - but I've been playing Albion for HOURS now! I MUST be past half way through the game - past 2 3rds I'd've guessed. Judging by the list of locations available to teleport to, there's only 1 continent left to visit.

It's odd too because I don't quite how much of an impact opening the world up is going to have on the game. There's not been any plot threads left obviously ripe for further exploration anywhere previously in the game. I guess there was the assassins club house and Mell & Sira's love next I could pop back to. But there's no reason the assassins would let me in now rather than before and I'm in no hurry to welcome trecherous run-aways back into the party. Not unless I REALLY need to.

So with no side-quests to re-visit, what's really going to be the point of letting me go back round the world? I guess there's always going to be chests and treasure I missed first time round. I certainly didn't fully explore the crypts below the Druid's temple... And hold on. I remember a loose thread I never finished off! The abomination club house asked me for a musical crystal back on that first island! I remember I gave it one and nothing seemed to happen. HOWEVER - I've been carrying round another one (an orange one) since I bought it in a shop on a subsequent island thinking that maybe I'd get the chance to go back! NOW might be the time!

"FINALLY! I can give the abomination club house this other musical gem I've been lugging about the place! It's BOUND to reward me for SECOND gem - That must be why it didn't give me anything in return for the first one!"

Tom teleports everyone to Nakiridani and they step out of the goddess into another cave. This one is a similar shape to the one on the island of the Dji Cantos. It's much less well kept though - the roof and floor are strewn with creepers and moss.

"Tom - honestly - why are we here? Your ship - the one you've been searching for for months - is in Umajo's HotLands!"

"But Hoff. Don't you remember" Tom looks at Hoff with boss-eyed desparation. "The abomination - that giant whirly trii - it asked for a music crystal..."

"Tom. We gave it a crystal and it didn't care." Dirr interjects.

"Ah - but I've been holding onto this SECOND music crystal for weeks and weeks. I KNEW I'd get the chance to come back and it's BOUND to thank us somehow for giving it another one... I'm sure of it!"

"Ugh - you're going to ask me to plunge my face into it again aren't you?"

"Think of the reward Dirr"

"Um... Are you all sure this is a good idea?!?!" Hoff asks - floundering and out of his depth. Abomination club house? Giant Trii? Plunged faces?

The team, lead by Tom, head out of the cave and find themselves... just next to the club house! As they step out into the sunlight, the cave closes up behind them leaving only a symbol of an eye in the rock to mark where it used to be.

"Those symbols! THAT'S what they mean! We've seen them all over the planet and no-one's been able to explain them!"

"Yeah. We use them to mark the location--"

"WE use them?"

"Um, erm, oops yes! Sorry Dirr! I mean, the Dji Cantos use them to mark the locations of the caves where the goddesses manifestations can be found. This amulet of mine can be used to open it back up..."

"Never mind all that... this is important!"

Hoff follows the team through the steaming jungle a short way until they reach a small hill/mound. It's distantly shaped similarly to an Iskai building - but there's none of the glowing domes or Delicate towers that mark those out as being intelligently made. This place looks like it's just a rock with a cave in it that happens to be shaped enough like a building for people to imagine that maybe it's a pixie lodge or hobgoblin tavern. These people can't honestly believe that this place is an ACTUAL man made club house can they?

Inside there's no sign that the place has ever been anything other than a nesting site for monsters either. It is infested with grizly plants with writhing photo sensative hooks or huge maws chomping away in the ground. But Tom and Dirr just saunter amongst it all, seemingly oblivious to how obviously unsafe it all is.

"Siobhan! Have you been here before too?"

Siobhan, proud and beautiful, was busy refusing to be impressed by any of what she was seeing. Inside she was as bemused and terrifed as Hoff in the face of being asked to very casually take a stroll through what was obviously a death trap. She also wanted desperatly for someone to say "this is stupid" so she could leave without having to look cowardly. But she was damned if she was going to show any weakness infront of Hoff - the pathetic ancient scientist who almost certainly wanted to touch her inapropriatly given half the chance. He'd probably make a mess of that too seeing how rubbish he is at everything else.

"You keep your hands OFF, you dirty old man." She responds.

Soon they arrive where the caves change from the mouldy and monster ridden into the pulsating and puss filled! Hoff has to stop and swallow his fear as he sees Tom and Sira stride still seamingly un-aware in amongst the boiling, rolling warts that made up the walls, ceiling and floor of these darkest recesses of the cave. How could anyone sane do this so calmly? How could they be so blind to the obvious horrors of this place?

Standing on the threshold of this new area Siobhan too starts to wonder. Her cool starts to slip, but only a fraction. Gathering up her long hair so that it won't get anything grim on it she silently follows the two leaders of the party. DESPERATE to turn back, DESPERATE to break down - but too proud to do it infront of Hoff.

The whole team has gone round the corner before Hoff himself plucks up the courage to follow them. Only the idea of being left alone in this nightmare chasm is worse than having to walk across a floor of bubbling pustules.

It's even harder for him too - since his shoes are too big and he's struggling with the weight of all the frivolous items he's carrying. Trying to keep your footing on a floor made out of springy rubbery warts is tough even for the most sensibly equipped people!

The pessage seems to go on forever but finally he rounds a corner and sees the rest of the team in the distance. They're stood round some sort of huge twirly gelatinous monster. It seems not to be attacking them, but the room hums and glows with energy suggesting that if it wanted it could blast them into nothingness with un-nameable, anciently evil, eldritch magic...!

Dirr promptly splats her face into the side of the thing - embedding it so far into the jelly that she can lift her feet off the ground and be carried round and round by its twirling.

"What are you doing!!??" Hoff cries - staggering and stumbling forwards to reach his idiot comrades. He always knew that being allowed out into the wide world changed people - without the soothing meditative atmosphere of the misty temple/island of the Dji Cantos how COULD people realise their full inter intelligence. He didn't hold it against people that their thoughts wouldn't be as clear as his own. But this kind of behaviour was PROPERLY STUPID.

"Right! I've had enough!" Something in him snapped "You people can't be trusted to look after yourselves!"

"Shut up Hoff." says Siobhan, but he heart's clearly not in it since she's shivering and grimacing while Dirr's limp body flaps round in front of her.

"Come on Hoff - you know this is going to be important! We've been carrying that music crystal for ages..."

"My NAME is FAT HARR--"

*SPLOIK*

At that moment Dirr pulls her face back out of the whirly jelly oblement and drops to the floor. Everyone is expectant - what fabulous reward will be conferred on the team for having brought it all the way back here?

"He didn't want it. He wouldn't even talk about it."

Tom slumps to the ground staring blankly ahead. Since neither of the women seem bothered, Hoff runs over to see what's ok.

"The... the building didn't even... didn't even want it... Hoff... I was so sure Hoff! Was I wrong to think it?"

"No Tom. No you weren't wrong at all!"

"Hoff, is that you Hoff? We're stuck on this crazy planet! What're we going to do..." Oh man, is Tom going mad here?

"Yes, yes it's me Hoff. We're stuck, you're right. But we know where to go... We know where the giant metal sky monster is..."

"Hoff! Hoff! You look... Different..."

"No, Tom. That's just the fresh air on this planet - it's still me! Look, I've still got these boots you gave me..."

"Oh yeah..."

"Come on Tom. We're going to Umajo..."

"Yeah... Yeah we should do. You were right about the musical crystal. I was so SURE it was going to be important somehow..."

"Up you get now..."

Pulling Tom to his feet and worried that he's cracking up - but glad that he's at least coherent enough that he can be bossed about - Hoff resigns himself to being Hoff for a good while at least. Trying to bring up his true identity again could only cause more trouble than it's worth - after all, really all the Dji Cantos want is to be rid of these Helromier and Tom is going to be their key to doing that.

"Hoff - I don't know what I'd do without you..."

"Ok Tom. Enough of the mushy stuff. I need you to lead us out of here because I don't know-- I mean, I've forgotten my way around this place."

"What, are you two in love now or something" Sneers Dirr who, unlike Siobhan, is totally un-phased by the situation.

"Oh shut up and follow us. We're going to find this guy's-- I mean OUR stupid invincible giant metal sky monster now and you can come along or stay in this manky old cave, it's up to you. I don't care either way!" replies Hoff as the misty meditative atmosphere of the palace island of the Dji Cantos finally parts and he suddenly discovers that he really DOES have a spine under there after all...