Session 32

I've often thought - while putting together this blog - that I should try and track down some of the people who made this game. I'd love to end the write-ups of my progress through it with some kind of interview with people who were involved in building the whole thing.

I love the idea of someone who made the game 15 years ago being asked to talk in depth about it all this time later. I hope they'd be pleased as punch to be asked about it - who WOULDN'T like to be approached by fans of something they made?

I'd love to know how they felt about the project - was it a labour of love or just a trial to see how easy it would be to break into the RPG market? Was it driven by a strong artistic idea or was there a load of technology lying about the place which someone reckoned they could knock together into an interesting RPG in a few months...

I imagine that since I'm not the only Albion fan on the internet, interviews with the staff already exist - so maybe these broad strokes questions have been answered somewhere already. In which case I might settle for more specific questions like : What in the name of all creation were they expecting people to do when they hit the brick wall difficulty spike of Umajo.

What plan did they have for the games rhythm and flow that meant they thought this would be a good time to take half the player's team off them, ramp up the difficulty of the monsters, massively inflate the prices of everything and lead you off on suicide voyages into a seemingly limitless barren desert? ARG!

After last episode's misadventures with the frigging musical crystal of disappointment Hoff leads the team back through Amoeba's illuminated teat to the desert world of the metal makers. This is the one place on Albion where there are people who can mine for ores and gemstones! Exactly how they do it is a mystery that no-one knows and--

"I love to buy things"

"Pardon?"

"Come on... you gotta have something I could buy off ya! Please! I've not traded anything for days now!" (this was just some random bloke I met - he was staggering around alone down a dead end alley. The whole town is eerily un-populated and this is the first person I've seen since I've been here)

"Well I suppose I could sell you this musical crystal... I'm pretty sure it's useless to me now--"

"Come away from him Tom! Don't encourage them!" Hisses Dirr.

The commerceaholic tramp looks bleary eyed into the middle distance. Drooling and muttering he shuffles away into the back corner of the alley saying things like "Buy low... sell high... here's my card... it's printed on the inside of a Fabergé egg... no, I've not heard of them either, they didn't start being made until 1,917 years after my people left the planet earth... that's how impressive this is..."

The last I see of the guy, he's trying to write his name and mobile phone number onto the inside of a discarded kiwi fruit peel with the tip of his finger.

"You've got to be careful for burn outs like that, team" explains Hoff. "This place is VERY economy-driven. That guy clearly couldn't keep pace and now he's just a... well a bally nuisance! Take my advice and don't trade anything with him - for his sake and ours!"

"Ok Hoff. You know best. But honestly, I think we ought to find SOMEONE to trade with. I mean, we've not eaten for days and we're totally broke."

At this point I start to get a feel for exactly how cut-throat Umajo is. I step into a weapons shop and off-load what I THOUGHT was an excellent haul of old knives, bows, Bradir's magic stilletto, axes and sundry weaponry. I was expecting a small fortune in return - but all the man will give me is a measly 300 gold. Only 300 gold?

"Seriouly - what were you expecting? We MAKE weapons in this town. It's the only place on the planet where weapons are made."

Ok. Fair point. So it's no wonder you can't sell weapons and gems for much in this town. But without selling weapons and gems, how am I supposed to make decent money? What were you thinking Mr Blue Byte? Is there something I've missed along the way?

"That was lame. But never mind - we only need to get some food in. We've got all the weapons we could need and we've coped without training for this long - I'm sure we'll muddle through..."

"That's 11 gold per portion of food love"

"What? 11 gold? We only have 300! That means that even if we bankrupt ourselves that's only 26 portions of food! There's FOUR of us! That's only 6 meals each! Do you know how often we have to rest? It's LOTS!"

"I'm sorry love - but we're in the middle of a desert. All we produce is metal and gems and you can't very well eat them. It costs me 10.5 gold to ship each portion of food here so I'm doing you a favour offering them at 11 to you!"

"But can't you use the teleporter network to get food-OOF"

Hoff sharply elbows Tom in the guts for no reason.

Resignedly I fork out for 20 portions of food. I don't want to bankrupt myself getting the full 26.

This place is hardcore! For the last few locations food's been pretty easy to come by - and since it'd been abundant, I've been able to rest as much as I like without worrying about the team eating it all. The knock on effects of it going up in price is that I'm now really worried about getting into a fight. If I take a few blows and need to take a kip to recover then that's one of the 5 "rests" I've got provisions for. All of a sudden I need to make sure I'm using my healer to their best... oh wait! I used to have two healers, but they ran off together to raise interspecies babies a little while back! So really I've got to make sure I make the best use of the various potions and salves I've been lugging around instead...

Reeling at the thought of the challenges they face, the team stop into a bar where the bar man gives them the low down on the local area.

Turns out there's 4 key industrial guilds in the town. The miners, the diamond polishers, the mysterious mountain priests and the weapon smiths.

"Sorry... what was that third one?"

"Oh... The mysterious mountain priests? You don't want to know about them. Have you noticed the lovely sea air we have here? The exotic plants..."

"Yes. It's lovely here. And the plants are very pretty... tell me more about these mysterious--"

"Of course the cost of living is higher here than elsewhere. But it doesn't matter since everyone round here is minted - what with their being a miner, diamond polisher or weapons smith on a planet where no-one outside this town can do any of those things..."

"A miner, a diamond polisher, a weaponsmith OR a mysterious mountain priest you mean..."

"Don't go trying to steal our secret."

"You're what now?"

The man gives Hoff a stern and prolonged glare and, without breaking eye contact, scratches a warning into the wood top of the bar.

"what does that say... 'noy dot Ion sli'?"

The barman glances down. "damn it, I did it again..."

"Is your finger alright" Tom asks, pointing to the bleeding digit the man used to scratch his message with...

"It's fine it's fine. Never mind. I was trying to, y'know, trying to build something up here. But whatever... It doesn't matter..."

"No no, tell us what it means!"

"No it's embarrassing. I did the look but I got the message upside down..."

"Really? Let me look" Hoff tilts her head but it doesn't make much more sense "'ils nol top hoy'?"

"IT'S NOT FOR YOU! It's not for you! The secret of the mountain priests - the secret of how we can mine for metal and gems - it's not for you, that's what it says..."

"That's meant to be an F?" asks Tom

"That's mean to be an R?" adds Dirr

"Shut up! Just leave it! Forget it! I wanted it to be mysterious or significant or whatever and you ruined it..."

"You're the one who can't write..."Siobhan chips in

"Do YOU want to try writing with your FINGER in WOOD without looking?"

"If you ask me--"

"Well I didn't. Just forget the whole thing. You can't have the secret so just shut up about it--"

"Oh! I think I see how that's a T now... It's just a bit slanty..." Hoff, ever charitable is trying to make the bar man feel better about the debacle, but he just looks stony faced and says: "it's 18 gold a pint. Do you want anything?"

"Oh is that the time - well I do believe I have to run and catch my bus! Good day sir! How kind of you to talk to us..."

As they walk away, Dirr makes an un-kind comment about the way Hoff dresses. Hoff asks her why she's such a bitch all the time and she breaks down in tears and admits that her tough exterior is just a defence mechanism. She only bully's people because she had to grow up with a mum who was a prostitute. A cat prostitute. Hoff gives her a knowing, sympathetic look and the two erstwhile rivals feel that maybe this moment of openness could be a turning point in their relationship. The moment is broken though when they hear Tom on the other side of the room cry out "Again! My luck's got to change some time!"

This is another lovely booby-trap Blue Byte've put in the game for people who felt that Umajo wasn't a tough enough place to come. It's not enough that everything costs a fortune, but over in the corner of the pub is a woman called "Amine" who offers to "play dice" with you to double your money. Only it turns out that actually it's a total con - every time you "play" her at dice, she just says "Well look at that, I won" and takes 10 gold off you. I played this game several times expecting it to be some kind of 50/50 chance that you could win it back or something. But no, it's the same every time.

"TOM! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN! STOP PLAYING DICE WITH THIS MAD CRONE!!!!"

The team drag their all too naive comrade away from the cackling old bag who laughs raucously - staring into Tom's eyes, flicking her tongue and scoring the word "sucker" into the table with her finger without ever breaking eye contact...

We bundle into a booth a little way further towards the door and Hoff gives Tom a few open palm slaps across the face

"Ah - drawn in by Amine was he?" Mutters a figure who was sat in the booth before we got there.

"Oh, Sorry. Yes. I didn't see you there - I hope you don't mind..."

"Oh not at all. Amine's a total cow - we see this sort of thing quite regularly here"

"Who're you then?"

"Oh, I'm her sister. My name's Konny. But don't worry - I'm the nice one."

"You're not going to try and screw us over too then?"

"Oh no no no, ha ha ha - oh gracious no. So what're you in town for? Want to see the sights?"

"Well we're here looking for a giant metal ship that has apparently landed on this continent... FROM THE SKY!"

"Giant metal sky ship eh? Well I don't know about one of those..."

"Oh dear. Can you think of where we should go looking for it?"

"Oh well now. From here you can go north or south. Now I suggest you go north and visit the prison. Oh, ha ha - I know it doesn't sound much, but really it's the closest thing we have to a tourist attraction round here. It's very interesting in its own sort of way. You CAN also go south, but you'd have to get through the IMPENETRABLE MAZE OF BOULDERS and past the HOARDS OF DEADLY MONSTERS, not to mention deal with the HORRIFIC RECENT CATACLYSM."

"Oh, gosh, south sounds pretty unpleasant--"

"oh it is. You CERTAINLY wouldn't want to go south... Trust me! I'm Konny the nice one you know... Northwards to the prison is a much better way to be going..."

"Yes. Yes it sounds like it is. We shall go look in the north--"

"AH HA HA HAHA HAH AH AH AHA HA H AHA HA HA HAH"

"Pardon?"

"Oh, um... just coughing deary. *ahem*. Gosh I wish I could come with you, but I fear I have to stay in town and look after the poor lost souls my sister carves up with her rigged gambling... Never mind. Have a lovely time going northwards. Noooorthwaaarrrrds.... Noooooooorthhhhhhwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrdddddsssssssssss..."

Konny repeats the word over and over until the team get the idea that she wants them to go now. As they shuffle out of the booth she hisses the final s continuously, never breaking eye contact with Dirr but occasionally flicking her tongue in and out, rolling it and blowing little raspberries.

"What's that you've scratched into the table?"

"Oh nothing! Leave now! Keep going! goodbye!" Konny quickly covers over the message she's carved into the table top.

Once the team's left the pub she gets up and goes over to Amine to split the profits from the dice rolling and have a good laugh at my gang's expense...

Session 31

Shuffling in second hand boots 4 sizes to big, Hoff lugged all his ill fitting new clothes and jangling array of pendants and crystal weaponry to the open mouth of the mystical cave at the back of the temple of the Dji Cantos.

"Do you think I could possibly take these shoes off?" he asks Dirr

"Ugh - do you HAVE to talk to me? And don't even THINK about taking your shoes off, your armour off, your trousers off - ANYTHING off! We already talked about you and nudity - give it a rest!"

"Nudity? What? I just thought that, since these shoes are too big..."

"What. Ever."

Hoff slumped and wondered what kind of person he'd been before they came to this island. He'd seen his former self strip off and run away to the horizon, but he'd just assumed that was due to some kind of mental breakdown.

"So what's the deal with these caves Hoff?"

"Look. Really, I'm sorry your friend went--"

Tom silences her jibber jabber with a stern glare. A glare that says "part of my brain knows that what you're going to tell me is true. But most of my brain doesn't want to know it and will do anything necessary to not know it."

"This cave was how we arrived on Albion..."

"But we arrived here in our space pod Hoff..."

"Oh, um yes. Yes of course. I mean... Um... 'we' as in 'humanity'... This cave was how humanity arrived on this planet..."

"But I thought that humanity arrived on Gratogel, land of the ancience Celts? We saw an oak tree (that has somehow survived 2000 years) that marked the spot!"

"Yeah... That's what the Druids believe... But like we said, only WE know about Amoeba, the real goddess of Albion and all the REAL history of how humans got here..."

"WE?" Chips in Dirr.

"Yes - the Dji Cantos"

"Oh, so first you want to be a naked scientist, now you want to be one of the Dji Cantos? What's your problem Hoff? Aren't we good enough for you?"

"You're such a FREAK Hoff." Spites Siobhan.

They walk on, Hoff boggling at the insanity of the situation and wondering why he's going along with it all. These people aren't his friends... But maybe they will be... He just needs to stick with it - ride out the teething period and it's bound to start going his way.

"What's that thing then?" Tom asks.

The tunnel around them has changed over from the ornate brick work of the palace to the rough, raw stone of a natural cave. Up ahead the passage opens out into a large chamber - the path lined with impossibly regularly placed crystal formations. The space is illuminated by a whirling tornado of blue energy in the centre of the room.

"Tom, it looks just like those Lights of The Goddess - you know the whirling light vortexes that only turn up in particularly holy places? You remember - we found a load of them in that abomination building that was part man part club house part murder chamber? They increased out stats..."

"Well yes - the lights of the Goddess ARE sort of related to this thing." Explains Hoff. "You see, this is manifestation of the goddess. You simply step into her and we can go all over the place! I suggest we go to Umajo's HotLand to find your metal ship!"

"OUR metal ship? It's YOUR metal ship Hoff..."

"Um... Well..."

Siobhan fixes him with her furious glare.

"Yes... yes ok."

At the back of the room are some healing pools of water which the team take turns to stand in before setting off. They ran out of food (and money) in Beloveno - as such they don't heal at all when they rest so need all the magical water they can get. Weirdly the Dji Cantos don't have any supplies of food at all - despite having a chef - so the whole gang are still suffering from wounds sustained in their last fight with Krondirs and Warniaks.

When everyone's ready, they jump into the swirly whirly manifestation of Amoeba.

First, they are all filled with a wonderful floating sensation. Then they become aware of an omnipresent conciousness - nothing at all like the mother goddess of the cat-like people whose planet is being torn apart by humans who lust for mining in the film Avatar.

Then they become aware of paths leading away through the mystical magical body of the goddess to... Everywhere they've previously visited on the planet!

BAM! In one fell-swoop the game goes from being a linear progression from town to town to being a go-where-you-like open-world RPG. I have to say, it's held back on this for a LONG time. It's not unusual for RPG's to make you go along a set path for a while then open up - but I've been playing Albion for HOURS now! I MUST be past half way through the game - past 2 3rds I'd've guessed. Judging by the list of locations available to teleport to, there's only 1 continent left to visit.

It's odd too because I don't quite how much of an impact opening the world up is going to have on the game. There's not been any plot threads left obviously ripe for further exploration anywhere previously in the game. I guess there was the assassins club house and Mell & Sira's love next I could pop back to. But there's no reason the assassins would let me in now rather than before and I'm in no hurry to welcome trecherous run-aways back into the party. Not unless I REALLY need to.

So with no side-quests to re-visit, what's really going to be the point of letting me go back round the world? I guess there's always going to be chests and treasure I missed first time round. I certainly didn't fully explore the crypts below the Druid's temple... And hold on. I remember a loose thread I never finished off! The abomination club house asked me for a musical crystal back on that first island! I remember I gave it one and nothing seemed to happen. HOWEVER - I've been carrying round another one (an orange one) since I bought it in a shop on a subsequent island thinking that maybe I'd get the chance to go back! NOW might be the time!

"FINALLY! I can give the abomination club house this other musical gem I've been lugging about the place! It's BOUND to reward me for SECOND gem - That must be why it didn't give me anything in return for the first one!"

Tom teleports everyone to Nakiridani and they step out of the goddess into another cave. This one is a similar shape to the one on the island of the Dji Cantos. It's much less well kept though - the roof and floor are strewn with creepers and moss.

"Tom - honestly - why are we here? Your ship - the one you've been searching for for months - is in Umajo's HotLands!"

"But Hoff. Don't you remember" Tom looks at Hoff with boss-eyed desparation. "The abomination - that giant whirly trii - it asked for a music crystal..."

"Tom. We gave it a crystal and it didn't care." Dirr interjects.

"Ah - but I've been holding onto this SECOND music crystal for weeks and weeks. I KNEW I'd get the chance to come back and it's BOUND to thank us somehow for giving it another one... I'm sure of it!"

"Ugh - you're going to ask me to plunge my face into it again aren't you?"

"Think of the reward Dirr"

"Um... Are you all sure this is a good idea?!?!" Hoff asks - floundering and out of his depth. Abomination club house? Giant Trii? Plunged faces?

The team, lead by Tom, head out of the cave and find themselves... just next to the club house! As they step out into the sunlight, the cave closes up behind them leaving only a symbol of an eye in the rock to mark where it used to be.

"Those symbols! THAT'S what they mean! We've seen them all over the planet and no-one's been able to explain them!"

"Yeah. We use them to mark the location--"

"WE use them?"

"Um, erm, oops yes! Sorry Dirr! I mean, the Dji Cantos use them to mark the locations of the caves where the goddesses manifestations can be found. This amulet of mine can be used to open it back up..."

"Never mind all that... this is important!"

Hoff follows the team through the steaming jungle a short way until they reach a small hill/mound. It's distantly shaped similarly to an Iskai building - but there's none of the glowing domes or Delicate towers that mark those out as being intelligently made. This place looks like it's just a rock with a cave in it that happens to be shaped enough like a building for people to imagine that maybe it's a pixie lodge or hobgoblin tavern. These people can't honestly believe that this place is an ACTUAL man made club house can they?

Inside there's no sign that the place has ever been anything other than a nesting site for monsters either. It is infested with grizly plants with writhing photo sensative hooks or huge maws chomping away in the ground. But Tom and Dirr just saunter amongst it all, seemingly oblivious to how obviously unsafe it all is.

"Siobhan! Have you been here before too?"

Siobhan, proud and beautiful, was busy refusing to be impressed by any of what she was seeing. Inside she was as bemused and terrifed as Hoff in the face of being asked to very casually take a stroll through what was obviously a death trap. She also wanted desperatly for someone to say "this is stupid" so she could leave without having to look cowardly. But she was damned if she was going to show any weakness infront of Hoff - the pathetic ancient scientist who almost certainly wanted to touch her inapropriatly given half the chance. He'd probably make a mess of that too seeing how rubbish he is at everything else.

"You keep your hands OFF, you dirty old man." She responds.

Soon they arrive where the caves change from the mouldy and monster ridden into the pulsating and puss filled! Hoff has to stop and swallow his fear as he sees Tom and Sira stride still seamingly un-aware in amongst the boiling, rolling warts that made up the walls, ceiling and floor of these darkest recesses of the cave. How could anyone sane do this so calmly? How could they be so blind to the obvious horrors of this place?

Standing on the threshold of this new area Siobhan too starts to wonder. Her cool starts to slip, but only a fraction. Gathering up her long hair so that it won't get anything grim on it she silently follows the two leaders of the party. DESPERATE to turn back, DESPERATE to break down - but too proud to do it infront of Hoff.

The whole team has gone round the corner before Hoff himself plucks up the courage to follow them. Only the idea of being left alone in this nightmare chasm is worse than having to walk across a floor of bubbling pustules.

It's even harder for him too - since his shoes are too big and he's struggling with the weight of all the frivolous items he's carrying. Trying to keep your footing on a floor made out of springy rubbery warts is tough even for the most sensibly equipped people!

The pessage seems to go on forever but finally he rounds a corner and sees the rest of the team in the distance. They're stood round some sort of huge twirly gelatinous monster. It seems not to be attacking them, but the room hums and glows with energy suggesting that if it wanted it could blast them into nothingness with un-nameable, anciently evil, eldritch magic...!

Dirr promptly splats her face into the side of the thing - embedding it so far into the jelly that she can lift her feet off the ground and be carried round and round by its twirling.

"What are you doing!!??" Hoff cries - staggering and stumbling forwards to reach his idiot comrades. He always knew that being allowed out into the wide world changed people - without the soothing meditative atmosphere of the misty temple/island of the Dji Cantos how COULD people realise their full inter intelligence. He didn't hold it against people that their thoughts wouldn't be as clear as his own. But this kind of behaviour was PROPERLY STUPID.

"Right! I've had enough!" Something in him snapped "You people can't be trusted to look after yourselves!"

"Shut up Hoff." says Siobhan, but he heart's clearly not in it since she's shivering and grimacing while Dirr's limp body flaps round in front of her.

"Come on Hoff - you know this is going to be important! We've been carrying that music crystal for ages..."

"My NAME is FAT HARR--"

*SPLOIK*

At that moment Dirr pulls her face back out of the whirly jelly oblement and drops to the floor. Everyone is expectant - what fabulous reward will be conferred on the team for having brought it all the way back here?

"He didn't want it. He wouldn't even talk about it."

Tom slumps to the ground staring blankly ahead. Since neither of the women seem bothered, Hoff runs over to see what's ok.

"The... the building didn't even... didn't even want it... Hoff... I was so sure Hoff! Was I wrong to think it?"

"No Tom. No you weren't wrong at all!"

"Hoff, is that you Hoff? We're stuck on this crazy planet! What're we going to do..." Oh man, is Tom going mad here?

"Yes, yes it's me Hoff. We're stuck, you're right. But we know where to go... We know where the giant metal sky monster is..."

"Hoff! Hoff! You look... Different..."

"No, Tom. That's just the fresh air on this planet - it's still me! Look, I've still got these boots you gave me..."

"Oh yeah..."

"Come on Tom. We're going to Umajo..."

"Yeah... Yeah we should do. You were right about the musical crystal. I was so SURE it was going to be important somehow..."

"Up you get now..."

Pulling Tom to his feet and worried that he's cracking up - but glad that he's at least coherent enough that he can be bossed about - Hoff resigns himself to being Hoff for a good while at least. Trying to bring up his true identity again could only cause more trouble than it's worth - after all, really all the Dji Cantos want is to be rid of these Helromier and Tom is going to be their key to doing that.

"Hoff - I don't know what I'd do without you..."

"Ok Tom. Enough of the mushy stuff. I need you to lead us out of here because I don't know-- I mean, I've forgotten my way around this place."

"What, are you two in love now or something" Sneers Dirr who, unlike Siobhan, is totally un-phased by the situation.

"Oh shut up and follow us. We're going to find this guy's-- I mean OUR stupid invincible giant metal sky monster now and you can come along or stay in this manky old cave, it's up to you. I don't care either way!" replies Hoff as the misty meditative atmosphere of the palace island of the Dji Cantos finally parts and he suddenly discovers that he really DOES have a spine under there after all...