Session 30

"...THE ISLAND OF THE DJI CANTOS!!!! Now follow me! There's someone waiting to meet you!"

The team are lead across a huge expanse of beautiful rolling gardens, peppered with ornate oriental-looking bridges, pagoda like huts and out-buildings and endless little wooden benches looking out over tranquil ponds, waterfalls or interestingly shaped rocks. Hoff is so impressed that he wanders along barely looking where he's going, just admiring the wild and weird landscape.

Something in him stirs. Ever since Beloveno he's been trying so hard not to be who he knows he really is. He's been trying to be a decisive warrior - to try and play a role in the team he was never cut out for. But now he remembers what sparked his interests back when he woke up at the crash site! New! New locations! Places that look mad and interesting! The last two islands have just been the staple fantasy setting of every other RPG dressed up as being "alien" by virtue of their being on a different planet. No wonder he lost his drive. But this place is interesting again - this place is weird. An isolated palace-island inhabited by mysterious folk with ponchos...

"I'm not a warrior..." he murmers... "I'm not a fighter or a magic item donkey... I don't NEED to be a warrior... I'm already something awesome! I'm A SCIENTIST!!!! I'm a NAKED SCIENTIST!!!!"

Throwing off his clothes and roaring - Hoff suddenly attracts everyone's attention.

"Dr Hoffstedt!!! What are you DOING?!?!?"

"Shut up Siobhan! I'm back on form! I'm back in charge! This is a crazy new place and I'm going to take the lead!" stepping out of his trousers - now crumpled around his ankles where he shook himself out of them - he strides forward nude and full of confidence. This is his comfort zone. This is him learning the culture of the new place so he can help everyone survive here - just like those weeks he spent learning Iskai culture while Tom was in a coma and Mandy Bapsout was nursing him to health.

"Frill! Lead on!" He cries triumphantly!

"Er pardon?" Frill replies from quite a long way down the path - he hadn't stopped or noticed that anyone else had "Oh well look at that, I'm guessing it's your... penis?"

Secretly Frill is thinking "Humans really aren't built for nudity" but has decided that it would seem a little racist to say it out loud. After all, Iskai all swan around in their birthday suits all day - but they don't have any undignified dangly bits...

"Dr Hofstedt. You put your clothes on IMMEDIATLY." This was Siobhan again.

"Yeah, Hoff. Siobhan's only been on the team since you started covering up again. It doesn't seem fair that you should wait 'til we're irrevocably stranded with no way of getting her back to her home and THEN spring your crumpled old-man skin on her - especially when she's so pretty" Tom interjects while Siobhan adjusts her shirt and examines her nails in disgust.

"Also" chips in Dirr "Don't you think you have a better chance of being a useful warrior if you keep your armour on?"

"But I'm NOT a warrior! I'm a naked scientist!"

"Well that didn't work out for you before. So maybe you could try the warrior thing again and we can carry on?"

"But --" But it's no use. Everyone turns their backs and Hoff climbs back into his tight-fitting leather armoured frock - an operation not un-like poking a prune into a toothpaste tube.

"Shall we carry on?"

Eventually Frill leads the team into an enormous (and I mean MASSIVE - you could fit the druid's citadel in here 3 times over) castle - at the far end of which is a meeting chamber where a cabal of humans and Iskai with far away looks in their eyes are posed in affected serenity.

"We" Frill turns and announces "ARE THE DJI CANTOS!!! And do you recognise this voice:"

"...I remember when I offloaded a burdensome idiot on you and your team. Do you remember how surprised I was when it turned out the idiot wasn't just burdensome, but also a pervert who wanted to have physical relations with a dirty great cat person? That was all the excuse I needed to send him away with you for good so that I needn't look at him ever again... Ever again until now that is!"

"YES THAT'S RIGHT! You knew him as leader of the druids - We know him as the Spiritual leader of all of Albion - It's NEMOS!!!"

Nemos walks into the room waving and smiling and shaking people's hands

"Oh ha ha ha ha ha yes! It's ME! Thought you'd never see me again? Oh, wait, where's that moron I shipped you off with?"

"Well, since you're interested, he's set up home with Sira in--"

"Dead you say? Oh what a shame."

"No... he's..."

"Let me tell you about our secret society. We are the most enlightened people on the whole of the planet - our genius is what gives us the right to live in luxury on this palace continent. This is Drannagh the ultimate master of creating magic items, this is Sebai-Dre Birrh the uber-master of healing, that's Irkith the ultimate power-saga smtih and over there is Fat Harriet who hears voices."

"He's not dead! He's settled down and--"

"Our society has existed for 2000 years! Cantos (who brought all the humans here) set the Dji Cantos up in order to create a small elite of people who know about how we got here so that we can be snooty about keeping it to ourselves. We are the descendants of the members of Cantos's society and it's just happy co-incidence that we're ALSO the most clever people on the planet. Also, we're the only ones who know about Amoeba..."

"Errr..."

"Oh, didn't I mention that Amoeba's the ACTUAL god of Albion. Yeah, everyone else has their own crazy gods. But they don't exist. Amoeba ACTUALLY exists - demonstrably so. But we don't like to let EVERYONE know or who knows what would happen!"

"Sorry - you can demonstrably prove the existance of--"

"Shut up! We know where your space ship is. But it's not great news for us Celts since you are Helromier and running away from you is exactly why we came to this planet anyway."

"Oh you have nothing to fear from us! I promice! The ship will've set up a research station by now and..."

"Don't care. Got to dash. Tapas is going cold. Ships in the desert - Fat Harriet'll show you the way - TTFN!"

At which point Nemos saunters out of the room playing doodle jump on his iPhone.

There's an awkward sort of silence while everyone looks around wondering if anything more is going to happen. Most of the Dji Cantos take the opportunity to shuffle out of the room back to their games of air-hockey and scrabble. Only Fat Harriet sticks around - adjusting her glasses as she walks up to them.

"Hi then! Well! Gosh! I'm Harriet - but you can call me Fat Harriet if you like... Everyone else does. It's not a bullying thing - I don't mind it really..."

"We can't call you Fat Harriet" says Siobhan

"Oh... Well!" Fat Harriet brightens up a little. Hoping she might finally escape from the cruel name-calling.

"It's much to long a name. We'll just call you Fat.H. for short..."

"Oh ah I see..." her shoulders sag again.

"Or we could just call her The Pig?" suggests Dirr "That's got the same number of syllables, but is easier to say."

"So then Piggers, what were you going to tell us?" asks Siobhan - combing her sword through impossibly long golden hair and flicking it away from her ample bosom +1.

Reeling, Harriet persiveers. They don't get many new people on the island and maybe she just made a bad first impression. These folks are bound to like her if they could just get to know her a little better...

"Well... Crumbs-bumpkins! I suppose I should show you round? My room's just down the corridor and I've got all sort of great things - posters, a cassette player, I think I even have some lemon curd we could--"

"NO" Siobhan holds her hand up in Harriet's face. "Just tell us how to get to our ship, Pigbags."

"Ah... Ok. Gosh. Yes. Well..." Harriet feels herself wanting desperatly to crawl away and die of embarassment. Why did she mention the lemon curd! In her head she chastises herself - no one wants to hear about your lemon curd! Stupid, stupid Piggers!

Swallowing it all down and pushing on - forcing out a smile and trying to convince herself that these people could still be her friends! Maybe they just need her to make herself useful...

"Well you see this amulet--"

"Ugly. Did you make it yourself or something?"

"--It's a gift from Amoeba that let's me hear her voice and travel through the magical caves--"

"Oh, right, your special friend Amoeba..."

"--I can take you anywhere you like--"

"Except away from dumpy town"

"--using the power of the amulet..."

"Ugh - so come on then! Let's just go! What're we sticking around on the island of the brainiacs for anyway?"

Tom looks at the beautiful Siobhan and wonders why she's in such a rush. For a brief moment he thinks about how it's not HER that's been stranded for months on a weird planet with her whole understanding of history being eroded like a dam made of sherbet. But her full lips and long legs distract him from this train of thought and he drifts into a day dream...

"Indeed. Tom, you must be anxious to get back to Christine!"

"Eh... wha? Sorry Hoff - Christine who?"

"Um... your girlfriend Tom! The one who was willing to come on a 4 year space mission with you because you were so much in love?"

"Oh? OH! Oh yes! Christine! We'd better get back to her... But maybe we could stay on this island a little longer... Y'know... there must be some interesting stuff we could learn here! After all, these people ARE the descendants of the cleverest humans and Iskai alive 2000 years ago..."

"Oh yes!" Harriet sees the ball skirt into her court "Everyone here's terribly interesting! Why we have a bard and I could tell you about myself perhaps?"

"Yeah" Tom's not really looking at her. Not even listening particularly. For no reason in particular he's just pondering how strong a breeze needs to be in order to lift, for example, the hemline of a battle-ready skirt. "Why don't we walk around the impressive gardens while you tell us about yourself..."

"People don't like me because I have fits and nonsense visions..."

"Okay, maybe we'll talk to the bard instead..."

"Ugh - do we REALLY have to stick around here?"

"Ha ha ha - Oh Siobhan, you're so cheeky. Isn't she cheeky Hoff? So cheeky!"

Stepping out into the vast and lush gardens the team meet up with Maire the bard who drives the back-story bullet train right into their faces!

Honestly - the info-dump of history here is insane! The characters don't just tell you about what happened but they fill in acres of surrounding opinion and mythos. It's almost too much to take in when you're playing the game - let alone when you're reading the blog of the game! Additionally you don't neccessarily get it all in the right order.

So here is the background to the whole Albion universe - including the REAL reason you've arrived on the planet in the first place:

There was this nameless god who we don't talk about because he's not got a name so what would be the point.

He had two children: Amoeba the girl and Amoeka the boy.

One day Amoeba created everything that exists.

Later, Amoeka comes home and looks at it all - "Amoeba, this is a mess! Look, it's all over the place! Why don't you organise it a bit and label everything so you know what it is"

"Don't be so heavy man! You gotta, like, let it all be loose and groovy yeah? Y'know - it'll all sort it self out right!"

"Grow up Amoeba! You're just dressing up your laziness as some kind of impractical philosophy - I know that making the stuff's more fun than sorting it all out after, but you've only done half a job here!"

Later Amoeba went out to buy a hempen tote bag and while she was out Amoeka gives everything in creation a name and sorts it out.

When Amoeka gets home she sees it all and gets in a proper hissy fit and the two gods are at war from then on.

Weirdly, while naming things, Amoeka split humanity into two groups - the Celts and the Helromier. He likes the Helromier best and takes them under his wing - giving them knowledge of the un-magic that is "naming things". The Albionians understand that the Helromian obsession with naming and measuring creates un-living versions of the things that are being named and measured. They explain that the Helromier remove the innate mystical essence of things by imposing identities on them - making them easier to control.

It's not EXACTLY clear how literally true this is meant to be. Maire explains how there was this epic battle between the Celts and the Helromier where the Helromian leader had converted his soldiers to be made un-living material through the un-magic of naming. Possibly this is just Caltic mytholizing of their enemies but the image of the horrible steralising effect of Amoeka's un-mystical powers is pretty cool. The suggestion that the leader of the Helromier had transformed his followers into might-as-well-be-clay mantomatons simply though the medium of understanding and cataloguing them makes him sound pretty bad-ass!

Anyway - at the climax of this battle the Helromier are winning but Bathrig (the son of the leader of the Helromier) pinches his dad's sword and kills him with it.

Quite what happens immediately after this is a little ambiguous - the battle's clearly over and the Helromier have won, but Bathrig wants to be friends with the Celts so it must've been quite a tense time politically.

What we DO know however is that Bathrig was ACTUALLY just being really REALLY cunning. Instead of killing all the Celts he starts to preach a religion of the one true god (the one we don't mention because he's not got a name). Seems innocent enough right? We know this top-god must exist since he's Amoeba and Amoeka's dad. Plus, since worshipping the younger sibling gods results in endless wars, doesn't it seem sensible for everyone to switch alignment to their more powerful creator?

Oh but it's not as simple as that - Bathrig gives the nameless god a name as part of his new religion, explaining that it makes it much easier to worship him. Almost everyone falls for it - but Cantos the Celt spots that this is a cunning trick! Bathrig is infact still a follower of Amoeka and is trying to use the un-magic of naming things to un-life the nameless god himself!

Quick as a flash Cantos gets in touch with Amoeba who agrees to transport him and a few of his faithful friends to another more beautiful world far away from Amoeka's influence. Thus - using the mystical caves - a small band of humans leave the earth far behind them! Further behind them than they could have understood! Amoeba washes her hands of their former home world and Amoeka (working through the Helromier) tares the planet to bits trying to develop technology to track down and finish off his sister and her pesky followers!

"...And so you see - by your turning up here it seems that Amoeka has finally achieved his goal. Your home world is an industrial wasteland with no resources left because, behind the scenes, the god of naming things has been driving your society to destruction developing more and more powerful technology just so he could get to us! Chasing us across the stars takes a lot longer when you only have un-magic instead of magic, but I suppose we all knew this time would come eventually!"

"Science... Science is evil!!!" Hoff's heart breaks a little. "I knew that there was a lot to challenge my understanding of the universe here... but... But science is my whole life! It's all I have left! It's who I am!!! I'm a naked scientist!"

"Oh not this again - you're not a naked scientist Hoff! You're a clothed warrior. And a rubbish one at that."

"No! NO! I can't do it any more! I'm so confused! Tom, I've got to leave you! I need time to think!"

"Oh no you don't! Don't you DARE ditch the team too Hoff! You're a warrior and you'd better get a grip on yourself!"

"No! I'm a Scientist! But science is evil! It's the un-magic of Maire's story! And she's right! Our planet is a wasteland as a result of the insane, relentless forwards push of technology! I'm so confused! I simply can't go on!"

"Hoff! No you don't! If you leave I'm not coming back for you! I SWEAR I won't even give you the satisfaction of missing you!"

"I'm sorry Tom" Hoff takes off his clothes again and leaves all his possessions on the ground "I have to start again! I have to try and work out what it is I believe in again!"

"Hay! Come back Hoff! This is your last chance! Damn it Hoff I swear that if you don't come back RIGHT NOW!!!"

But it's too late. Hoff, nude, shambles around like a shell shocked un-inflated balloon - staggering and reeling from having his identity undermined.

"Right. Ok. Harriet. Put his clothes on."

"Er - sorry what?"

"I SAID PUT HIS CLOTHES ON!"

"But... why?"

Tom, filled with an explosive range of emotions ranging from the horrible sensation of rejection through to the horror of being alone on a crazy planet gives Harriet a wild-eyed manic look she dare not argue with.

"Right. You heard what I told Hoff before... I'm not going to miss him. And to make sure I don't miss him YOU'RE going to be Hoff from now on..."

"I'm WHAT? But I'm not even a man!"

"What's that Hoff? Not a man? You're talking crazy talk!" Tom thrusts Hoff 1's crystal Axe into Hoff 2's totally confused hands

"Tom! This is madness! You're insane!"

"I guess we better be going after the ship after all then, eh old man?"

"But..."

At this moment, Dirr and Siobhan return from the toilets.

"Did we miss anything? Was Maire's story any good?"

"Oh yes - everything makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it Hoff"

"I'M NOT HOFF!!!"

"Where did Piggington Lump-Face go?" Siobhan asks, looking around.

"Yeah, I thought we needed her to go through the magic tunnels?" Dirr too is casting her eyes around - clearly un-able to distinguish an ugly young human woman from a wrinkly old human man.

"Don't you worry - she gave Hoff her amulet dooberry so we'll be able to go through the caves without her after all."

"Oh thank god. Her hideous face and appalling voice was bringing me down" Siobhan flicks her hair again and looks at the ground. "Oh look, I've stood on some glowing flowers."

"Oh - well those belong to the goddess you see" Hoff starts up.

"They look lovely round your ankles Siobhan... You have such nice ankles..."

"Oh. They've stopped glowing. But I think I've absorbed some extra strength from them though. Neat!" Siobhan scuffs the mystical flowers to bits. "Can we ditch geek island now?"