Session 43

"No. The point is that we killed Joe Bernard so that God could inhabit his body for the journey to Albion (the planet his sister skulked away to). It was a journey he wanted to make as a man to prove that even the most magical of divine feats - i.e. space travel - are within the reach of even pathetic mortal men when they are armed with the power of organisation and the spirit of inquiry. It was his great, final insult to the knowledge fearing and suppressing Amoeba before he carved her heart out. He was so angry at her that he wanted to ride the Toronto over to her personally and watch it consume and destroy her and all her followers first hand. He didn't care that it would destroy him too, he just wanted the final brutal delight of showing her that order will always catch up with ridiculous liberal chaos and annihilate it. When the last dusty fragments of Albion return to earth in one of the Toronto's auto-piloting cargo capsules we'll know that God is dead, God's sister is dead and the whole world and everything in it has become totally devoid of any purpose at all. The world's already over Mr Wanghammer. When God rides a nano-mechanical, city-sized bomb across space on a nihilistic suicide mission to destroy his sister and everything she's ever created, what point can there be to our continued existence? We're just the burned up powder from the gun that fired the bullet that..." The priest trails off, unable to think of a good resolution for this metaphor. Normally this would annoy him but to be honest, since the world ended he's become a lot more laid back about this kind of thing.

"PROCESSING - PLEASE WAIT"

MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET OF ALBION

Almost forgotten - due to the fact his combat skills are rubbish to the point of irrelevance - Amoeka managed to flee the fight before the slaughter happened. Not that this is going to do him much good. Cursing himself for binding with a human body in the first place, he's all to aware that dying right now would be rather more final than he was prepared to accept.

"You think you can escape us Joe Bernard?" Intone all the AI bodies at once.

But just then there's a chugging, grumbling sound in the air conditioning. The pipes rattle horribly and with a terrible grinding noise the vents suddenly start spewing out ground up, scorched feather dust - clouds of nasty smelling cooked then obliterated dove ash fill the room as though someone had just burst a hundred hoover bags all at once.

This unexpected deluge confuses the AI bodies's sensors for just a brief moment after the fight giving Amoeka just a couple of seconds to scarper before they can attack again.

But it's really not THAT helpful. There's no-where to go!

Grabbing the team by their collars, he drags them out of the room back through the hanger door. There's just one chance - he has to get to the button to close the air-lock to the robot-room again.

BEEP.

He hits the button.

"Oh for crying out..." he starts, then decides there's no time for finishing frivolous sentences. Ok - so that didn't work. The doors are wide open still and the frigging bots are starting to give chase now.

It looks really bad - but Amoeka didn't get where he was today without being a quick thinker. His divine powers are limited to obscure, unobserved interventions in this corporal state. It was quite a stretch to organise that bird-soot delivery when he did - the nature of being a god in human form is that you can't do anything unless it's always pretty ambiguous that you were involved.

There's not a lot of scope right here - these AI bots count as observers so he can't do anything with anything he can see.

Only a few seconds left to come up with something.

He closes his eyes and does a psychic reccie of the walls... There's an alcove over to the west side of the room with no one in it. It's where one of the code segments for the pressure plate puzzle was displayed earlier on. If he's going to do anything it'll be in there... But what can be achieved in an alcove?

"What CAN'T be achieved in an alcove? This ship's a mess of shifting mechanical walls and mobile units. See you later NED! Oh no, wait! I won't! Byeee!"

So, dragging his dead companions he flicks the AI army the V's and runs into the little alcove.

Observers might mistake him for running into the alcove in a desperate attempt to hide from his attackers for just a couple more seconds. A couple of seconds that might just give him a chance to figure out how on earth to move on from here.

The might also mistake him for being completely amazed and gob smacked at the SECRET PASSAGE that has mysteriously opened since last time he was in here getting a puzzle clue!

Obviously people would mistake him for having blundered into this life-line by total and utter fluke - that's one of the things about his powers. It has to be ambiguous that he's done anything at all...

Actually, in all seriousness. This pissed me off. Now, I love the way the game let me get this far without having had to power-house my characters. I love it. I really felt bad when it eventually seemed to say "No, NOW you have to have been levelled up - sorry!"

The fact that you can avoid the fight with the army of NEDs SHOULD make me feel really happy again. Turns out that my way of playing the game WAS completly legitimate after all, right?

Well yeah - but actually no. I'd given up on being able to complete the game when I got into that fight. I only came back to it because I'd been writing this blog and really REALLY wanted to not have to give up on it without seeing it through to the end. All the way through this I've been being very careful to not let the fact that I'm blogging it change the way I aproach it - I've ignored hints and tips my commenters have given me, I've probably missed massive chunks of the game that will now never ever get written up like this. But all so that this blog properly reflects how someone coming to this game in the natural course of things would experience it.

But in the natural course of things, I'd've never come back to the game. I'd've given it up as a lost cause because the stupid thing just hammered me on the home stretch.

But I was blogging it and I thought "I've got to give it another try". And it was only then that I stumbled on the fact that, once you've opened the door to the AI room - you ALSO open a secret passage AROUND the AI room from the back of one of the cupboards you've previously been into (which showed no signs that it was harbouring a secret panel at all).

I wonder if it wasn't so flukey. I wonder if the developers thought "Players will realise this fight is impossible and run around looking for the other path through here that MUST exist since otherwise the game is un-completable."

If that IS what they were thinking then that is a terrible, TERRIBLE design decision.

I love you Blue Byte since you have let me get past this nightmare AI army even though I never power-played your game. But I also hate you for making the option for weaker parties so cheap and cheaty that - in the ordinary course of events - I would never have known it was there and never been able to complete the game!

Anyway:

Amoeka - chuckling at the delicious aptness of the phrase Deus Ex Machina in this situation - drags the corpses of his human friends down the passage far enough that they can rest and recover from their fatal wounds.

"Joe! You... You got us past the NEDs!" exclaims Tom, completly dumbfounded.

Opening one eye, then the other, Khunag leaps up and says "Oh... Why... I wasn't dead at all! It was simply... an ILLUSION!!!" to emphasise his point he attempts to release some doves from his sleeves again, but he'd forgotten that he didn't actually have any doves left so all that comes out is a rubber sunflower; it's head dropping straight to the floor and it's flaccid stem pouring out of his cape and coiling up on top of it like a very long green turd. Then a lone ping-pong ball tumbles out and bounces away across the floor. No-one is taken in by his obvious lie.

"Oh man. Tom, I really hope you don't mind about the me-not-being-female thing..." starts up Dirr - who hadn't expected to ever have the rest of this conversation. "It's just that you obviously thought I was and I didn't want to embarrass you. Then the longer I left it, the harder it became to tell you the truth..."

"Hey - no worries Dirr. It's my own fault. All the other females of your species have 4 boobs. And it's not even like they cover them up so that there can be any ambiguity, since your race considers clothes to be tabboo. It's entirly my own fault and, besides, it was Hoff who had a sort of crush on you."

"You did!??!" Dirr says turning to Hoff (who doesn't remember having had a crush on this obviously male cat-person.

'Seriously' he thinks to himself 'what was wrong with my predecessor?!?? He must've been a proper idiot!'

Externally he tries to pull the face of a man who's just learned that the woman he had a crush on was actually another man. A sort of "Oh crap - now I have to actually consider my sexuality a bit more carefully since it's obviously not as cut-and-dry and I'd imagined".

Only his heart's not in it and he just looks like he's put a whole twix in his mouth, but sideways on.

"Well... Shall we move on then?" Siobhan interrupts the bizarre performance.

Through the next door is the huge vaulted engine room - we've been here before when it was just Tom and Joe.

"Over there! We've nearly done it! In just a few seconds we can kill this stainless steel beast and save Albion from destruction after all!" Amoeka shouts, running ahead enthusiastically.

"Wow - I didn't know Joe felt so strongly about all this" whispters Hoff to Tom. "But then I suppose he did get to know the planet pretty when making that documentary. It's no wonder he's grown to love it..."

As you go into the engine room you are confronted by the ship's captain and his remaining loyal security officers. He shouts you to a stop and makes you have one final conversation with him.

It's not a fight - although I think it might be possible to make it one by saying the wrong thing. Instead you have to talk him round to letting you pass, letting you destroy his space ship and only possible ticket back to earth and his family.

This conversation is very very easy to get right since there is always only one "correct" thing to say to him and 3 or 4 very obviously incorrect things.

Examples include such dilemmas as:

Should I tell the captain

A) You've got to understand - the people of this planet are intelligent, just like you or me! We mustn't destroy their entire world just to make sure our bosses don't go bankrupt back on earth!

B) Get out of the way, fatty. Or I'll bust your face open.

C) Suck my frost rod you arse-hair.

or

D) Han shot first and no amount of "remastering" can change history!!!

I think you'll agree, the answer to this particular one is pretty obvious. And that sets the standard for the whole of this exercise in last minute plot-thread-tying-up. Needless to say I cruise through without making him angry and starting a fight (which I'm sure I would have no chance of winning).

"...And the CGI Jabba was terrible too. A completely pointless re-introduction of a deleted scene and retrospectively REDUCES the coolness of an iconic character!"

"I suppose you're right, Tom. Ok. You throw your seed into the fires of mount doom and condemn us all to live on this planet forever with no way of getting off. At least I already have an in-depth understanding of the main groups of flora and fauna here thanks to this documentary I was watching earlier..."

And with that, the captain and all his men stand aside.

We walk past. This will be our moment of glory... but no!!! What the hell is that!!!

"Not so fast Tom Driscoll! You may have evaded my NED bodies. You may have convinced my weak human captain to let you by. But I, the Toronto, will not allow you to kill me! My masters must be served! This planet is forfeit!"

"Tom" Joe pipes up, nudging his friend "That's the Toronto's brain. It's dragged itself here into the engine room to stop you first hand! That's the tamper-proof, space-proof external booth it's in..."

And indeed it is. The super-computers super-brain is a black cube with one blinking light on it to let you know it's thinking about you. Someone has duck-taped a laser-pistol to the side of it and it's somehow moved itself out of it's position on the outside of the ship and into the engine room. It's sat like an angry d6 in front of the hatch into the reactor core ready to take a final stand against reckless human disobedience.

"You aren't going to take my homeworld!!!" Screams a suddenly impassioned Siobhan running at the cube.

As she sprints across the room, the cube comes dashing towards here too! I have no idea how it's able to move but man it's nippy!

The battle screen kicks in.

Final boss time!

The cube starts a little way up the grid so first I have to move the party forwards towards it. On my first turn I can't get any mêlée characters to it, so my magic users deal the first round of hits... Oh dear... No damage at all :S

The robot turns its duck-taped-on pistol towards Siobhan and blasts her down in one go.

Turn two - we rush forwards again and this time I'm able to get Tom and Dirr to hack at the cube (plus further magic attacks from Khunag and Hoff - Amoeka still can't get his gun to work so just sits watching).

No damage again! How can we lose to this thing having managed to get past the bajillion NED bodies!??

Blam. Khunag's downed by the cube too.

Ok. So I need to use everything I've got! My best magic spells, my best magic items.

It's pretty meagre pickings. Dirr hits with her weapon again. Tom uses his fire marble. Hoff sets off the "Goddesses Wrath" scroll she's been holding onto because she didn't really know what it was going to do, and it was only going to do it once before it got used up so it might as well be held onto until there was no other options. Amoeka just sort of stands around lamely.

Clang. Dirrs sword bounces off the cube.

Futt. Tom's fireball does nothing.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Hoff's Goddesses Wrath spell tares a hole in the air revealing limbo beyond. Celestial winds drag at the cube pulling it towards oblivion. But nothing happens. The spell "misses".

*yawn* Amoeka sort of waits around for something to involve him.

Peeeow. The cube kills Hoff.

Suddenly, the combat is broken out of! Dirr turns to Tom and says

"Tom - there's nothing we can do to defeat this thing! But I have an idea! The hatch to the reactor room is wide open! Why don't you, y'know... just chuck the SEED through? This cube's not got arms - it's not like it's going to catch it?"

"Oh yeah..." says Tom, pulling the magical bean out of his pocket.

He looks at it for a moment.

It's a really nice bean.

"I bet it's firm too..." and he gives it just the lightest of squeezes. Just the very slightest of squeezes. Just to feel it's pertness one last time...

But in the heat of the fight he's be splattered with Hoff's blood as he was struck down, and his hands are all slipper with it. The bean, with just this slight pressure applied, goes pwoik! Stright out from between his fingers and backwards over his shoulder AWAY from the reactor hatch!

It flies through the air and into Amoeka's palm.

This last key to destroying the Toronto and saving Amoeba's planet rests in the palm of her long feared brother. Earth's God who has groomed humanity for 2000 years in order to gain the means of coming here to obliterate her.

Almost in slow motion he closes his fingers around it...

And casts it into the reactor core!!!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!

There is a huge flash of light and the team are blinded (even those who'd been dead a moment ago, but who have come back to life in order not to miss out on the final cut-scene).

There is a sort of semi-animated montage of the ship from the outside. It's metal cathedral-like spires creak and then burst as the bean's power bursts forth. The ship is becoming entangled and snared in enormous vines! The magic of the SEED is sprouting plants all across the Toronto. Giant plants that are breaking it up and enmeshing themselves with it's hull.

The AI is presumably consumed by the power of nature - rendering the giant metal, indestructible monster just a defunct husk interwoven with flora of all sized and colours. Fused with plant-life, the Toronto literally becomes a thing of both Amoeba and Amoeka.

"WE DID IT!!!!" Screams Tom, overawed! "WE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! AFTER ALL THIS TIME WE FRIGGING PIGGING DID IT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE SAVED... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes!" joins in Joe, pumping the air with his fist. "And now all the people of the Toronto will go out onto Amoeba's planet with their knowledge of science and their already detailed, catagorised understanding of how Albion works!"

Why kill his sister? If he killed her she'd never learn. She'd never have to admit he was right - she'd be dead. This way he can twist the knife in even more. His earth folk will go onto her planet and convert all her druids and cat mystics to rational study. They'll use science to take the magic out of everything here too and she'll have to watch it and suffer. And she'll have to know that running away across space doesn't make her right. She'll have to admit that he's cleverer than her. I'll show her the power of organisation and coherent thinking. Why destroy Albion when it'll hurt her more to make it mine...

THE END