Long ago he'd learned to find a kind of nihilistic thrill in this. There weren't many robots left who weren't remotely operated from super computers housing their brains in some impregnable bunker. If they took a bullet to their exhaust pipe they could just dial up a new body and carry on. For him it would be all over but he'd come to find the constant certainty of imminent, permanent demise somehow... Comforting? It didn't really matter what he did or who he upset, he'd probably be de-activated before he had to deal with any repercussions.
And anyway, an on-board brain gave a P.I. one great advantage. His mind was significantly harder for hackers to get their dirty data into. Anyone who wanted to would need a physical connection to his undignified rear port, and he'd long since bunged that up with chewing gum just to be on the safe side.
He clanked to his feet.
"Missing you say" his voice-generating output put out as he angled his optical sensor array out of the window.
"Yeah. I haven't seen him for... oooh, maybe a couple of years now..."
"You've left it that long before you thought to hire a detective?"
"Nope. I hired one back when he first disappeared. But they didn't come up with anything. Then I hired another, then another. I've been working through the phone book getting no results from any of your competitors until I finally reached W. So Mr Wanghammer - Do you think YOU could find my husband?"
Phillipe rotated to face the new client. She didn't look like a robot, the office sensors didn't pick her up as a robot, she was even functioning in his wireless communications proofed office. But she sure as heck THOUGHT like a robot. Cycle through all the detectives in order until you either get a result? Is that compatible with typical human behaviour?
Plus, the cost should be bankrupting her but she still looked expensively dolled up. If she was artificial, that hair-do could've been put together in a factory 50 years ago and still look salon fresh. Real people would need to spend half their morning fighting with their straighteners to get it looking like that and someone funding a heavy P.I. habit couldn't afford to give up that much of their day just to put their fringe in place could they?
"COMMISSION ACCEPTED" he used his official voice for this.
"Thank you. Here are the 50,000 dollars to cover your first week - in advance because I'm SURE you won't fail me." She flashed a smile that - if she WAS a robobride - must've cost this guy a bundle. Not just teeth, but genuine human teeth.
"So what's your husband's name Mrs Bernard OOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Phillipe faked a yawn. It was tricky to synth a yawn so that humans would understand what they were meant to be hearing, but between robots they were as infectious as between any species of ape.
"Oh... aaahhhhhhhhh... excuse me" Mrs Bernard yawned immediately. Surely she's a robot then? But Phillipe did a swift optical scan of the inside of her mouth as she did it - no speakers. No robowife facial consumatory equipment. No obvious plastic or metal components of any kind!
"His name, Mr Wanghammer, is Joe... Joe Bernard..."
MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET OF ALBION
Joe and Tom scramble across the desert under the cover of night. Although it takes them a day or so (according to the text) they finally get back to the exact spot where the girls (and Hoff) are still standing around awaiting their leader's return.
"Oh wow! I was right! You DID come back! I KNEW that giant flying fish that swallowed you wasn't dangerous!" proclaims Hoff.
"Flying Fish? But Hoff, that was a podule from the Toronto. You know that! You've seen them a million times!"
"Oh... a podule eh? Yeah... Yeah of course it was! I knew that! Silly me! I think I thought it was a fish because of all the dust in the air. And, since we're on an alien world, I thought - y'know - it could easily have been a giant land fish..."
"Look who I've got with me - it's Joe! You remember Hoff don't you Joe?"
There is a brief pause.
"Yes. Yes I do. Hello Dr Hofstedt. I don't think we ever talked on board the Toronto - but I certainly recognise you!"
"Oh... Well... I hope you won't mind if I don't remember you so clearly... I was er... y'know... always terribly busy..."
"Hoff! Joe was our top technician! How could you not remember him? You must've seen him around mustn't you?"
"Well... you know how it is Tom..."
"Anyway Joe - this is Dirr, she's an Iskai - one of the alien cat people I was telling you about? And this is Siobhan - she's the beautiful human warrior descended from ancient celtic space travellers. Remember?"
"CAT WITH BOOBS"
"Pardon?"
"Ermmm - I mean: Ancient space travellers! Yes, I remember that... heh..."
"Cool. Well guys, it's bad news I'm afraid. The Toronto (which is sort of a giant robot that eats planets) doesn't believe you guys exist - or doesn't WANT to believe it! We could have a real problem on our hands here!"
"What?!?! You mean that you couldn't talk your friends on board into not destroying our home? EVEN THOUGH WE'RE THE SAME SPECIES?"
"Um... I think you mean Dirr and Siobhan's home, Hoff. You come from earth, remember?"
"Well... I... About that..."
"But basically yes. I tried to talk to the captain but the Toronto had me through in prison (it has this man-sized robot body that it uses to walk around inside itself and give orders and what-not). It was only Joe here who came and helped me out! My best chum Joe! We were going to shut down the power to the Toronto's brain, but it set the guards on us so we had to escape!"
"Oh cripes! We'd better get back to the Dji Cantos. They'll know what to do! I'm sure of it!"
Later, in the pleasure palace of the Dji Cantos (where we are, mercifully, magically transported by a camera fade) the whole gang are stood around with all the Dji Cantos folk and Hoff is explaining what's been going on since they were last here.
"...Well you see, it turns out that the people of Umajo have secret knolage. Can you believe it! Non-Dji-Cantos people who know something we don't? I got Tom to thieve the secret of how to mine without being badded up by monsters for us - but they still know about how to do other stuff with metals..."
"Hmm yes." Intones Nemos. "I'm glad you pilfered that secret for us. We can't have normies knowing stuff that we - the intellectual elite - don't. Why, I heard there is a man in Umajo with the secret of how to destroy metal with magic. And it's not just them! The Kenget Kamulos are still resisting our attempts to get hold of their secret of enchanting objects..."
"Excuse me..." Tom interrupts. "But isn't there something rather more important we need to talk about?"
"What..? Oh, oh yes! Also, the planet might be at risk! Turns out that the giant planet eating monster Tom arrived in--"
"Um... You arrived in it too Hoff..."
"Yeah... Ok. The monster me and Tom arrived in--"
"Arrived in? But you were born here on the island? What are you--" Nemos is confused, but Hoff just shakes her head and gives desperate signals to just let it go.
"THE POINT IS. This thing that the new set of humans have all arrived on is bad news. It's 'AI' brain is fixed on mining all the minerals away! We'll need to do something about it."
"Hmm..." Nemos is thoughtful. "Well it's clear to me that this 'Toronto' must be the avatar of Amoeka."
"In that case, shouldn't we get the sweet-ass spells out of the spell cabinet? I'm sure that we'll have something in there to deal with it..." Hoff says, keen to be helpful to his boss.
"Woah woah woah there, fatty. I think you're forgetting that our magic wouldn't work on this Toronto beast..."
"Yeah it would wouldn't it? I mean, some of those spells are SERIOUSLY sweet!"
"Oh no no no no no. You're forgetting that the spells we need will have to destroy the metal body of the ship--"
"Seriously? I'm sure that just using lightning on it would blast all the circuits enough - we don't need to evaporate it's body. Especially since it'd made of precious metals we could make so much use of..."
"NO. We need to destroy the metal. AND we can't just cast the spell we need. We'll have to enchant some object with it--"
"For real? I could just cast it though! Honest, Nemos! I'm good at casting spells! Seriously! I could take a scroll and just do the spell with it..."
"No, you don't understand. Only I, the cleverest person out of all the cult of cleverest people on the planet, could work this out because I'm the most knowledgeable. The planet is in peril and we need the knowledge of destroying metals and enchanting objects in order to save it..."
"Oh I seeeeeeeeee. Yes. You're absolutely right. Why didn't I realise this before."
"I'm not sure I follow, Hoff..." Tom pipes up.
"Well, old friend, it's a bit of a sticky situation. The Dji-Cantos would LOVE to help, but it turns out that by keeping secret information from us - the people of Umajo and the Kenget Kamulos are stopping them from being able to..."
"But... no one on the planet knows you guys exist... They're not keeping secrets on purpose..."
"None the less. In order to craft something that'll be able to neutralise Amoeka's avatar we need to get the secrets of destroying metal and enchanting objects for Nemos. It's VERY IMPORTANT that we get those secrets. We MUST know them. We can't have people knowing things that the Dji Cantos don't..."
"Oh... But... Won't people want to keep their secrets secret?"
"That's the genius of it." Nemos interjects. "I'm sure they'd rather not have their planet eaten. You just say that we need their secret or else everyone will die - they'll HAVE to give them up to us... ah ha! Ah ha hahah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa"
"Oh... ok... Well, I guess we'd better get going then..."
"Here. Take this money to sweeten the deal with the Kamulos. They're assassins for hire so they obviously love money and it might be enough to buy them off from killing you (which they're bound to want to do)".
And with that the conference is over. Everyone wanders off leaving the team standing around in the middle of the Dji Cantos's halls of knowledge. The moment is a little awkward since the conversation has stopped so abruptly, but eventually Dirr says
"So... I guess we should go ask around for these clues then..."
"Ah, now listen guys..." murmer Joe, seemingly hypnotised with lustful curiosity at the sight of this palace of Amoeba's chosen few. "I think I'll stay here. I think I should document this place - I brought my cam-corder along so I've got all the kit I'd need."
"Document the place? But why?"
"I have an idea. When we go back to the Toronto I'll transmit my video - cataloguing and recording everything about the Dji Cantos and their relationship with Amoeba and their systems of magic - over the view screens. Everyone'll see it and learn all about the things I find here. That'll prove to them that there's a civilisation out here! We can put a message in the tape too saying that they should all get out of the Toronto as soon as they can because we're going to be fighting it and they should get themselves to safety. Then the innocent people of earth will be able to escape the presumable destruction of the ship and mingle with the people of this planet - taking with them a detailed, clear understanding of the world their arriving on..."
"That sounds like a great plan, Joe! Good on you!"
"Thank you. Now off you go! You've got a final, dual pronged quest to attend to!"
"Indeed! Come on gang! One last fetch-and-carry and we're on the home straight! To victoryyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!"
> No robowife facial consumatory equipment.
ReplyDeleteTo boldly go where no other piece of fiction would ever have wanted to go! Impressively disturbing :)
> We can't have normies knowing stuff that we - the intellectual elite - don't.
Always focusing on the important stuff :) Saving the world is a plus, though. Can't secretly rule and exploit the world if there's no world left.
> NO. We need to destroy the metal. AND we can't just cast the spell we need.
I tried to overlook that obvious logic flaw by making it up to be the clash of the two god-things, with the machine literally being the representation (or avatar, as you say) of the logic-god and thus invulnerable to everything but the most powerful magic the other god could throw at it.
Still doesn't make too much sense, though. I'll pretend that they thought like Joss Whedon does and willingly sacrificed logic for a better expression of the underlying theme of it all (also: more gameplay!).
> You've got a final, dual pronged quest to attend to!
Awesome :D
I especially like that you're already gearing up for the end of the game. You might have seen most of the ideas and content already, but that doesn't mean that a vast, mostly empty dungeon can't still take up ridiculous amounts of time!
(Hey, I've got used to trying to scare you in each and every comment. Why stop now?)
Well I've set myself up loads of threads that need to go SOMEWHERE... At this point in the game I'm sort of thinking "It's clearly QUITE near the end, since we've had the twist about the humans being baddies after all..." But at the same time - these two quests sound like they could be pretty complicated in themselves. I mean, the Kenget Kamulos are a crazy citadel (possibly town?) I've not visited yet and so far I've done next to nothing in Umajo so there's scope for quite a lot to happen there.
ReplyDeleteAND - they've only just opened the world up for me to hop back and forth between locations. That'll presumably be important?
You may have noticed that few spells you have encountered until now affect dead objects. There are actually only three spells that destroy people together with their equipment (Wrath of Goddess, Gaze of Khamulos and Fungification) and even the mightiest of them is only local (or it would kill your party too). The High Knowledge of the Khamulos is basically a way to concentrate enough magical energy into a portable object to work on a grand scale. Also the ship has now put some effort into magic-proofing its vital equipment (ominous foreshadowing). The Umajo secrets will help you get past them, barely.
ReplyDeleteThe game designers left a loophole, so you could win without that but they don't allow you to really exploit it.
'Okay, now I have the ultimate weapon of super destruction! What do you mean, the game is finished? Do I have to wait for Albion II to use it? No game developer would allow me to start a new game with THAT.'
The logic flaw I see is that the AI does not simply use sleeping gas to take out the party (it was used on Tom in the shuttle, wasn't it?).
To be honest, I've not noticed much about the spells I've found so far. I mostly just use lightning, sleep and ice spells (and healing).
ReplyDeleteBut yeah - sleeping gas would presumably just ace the heroes in one fell swoop. Maybe the Toronto's just not all THAT smart...
> AND - they've only just opened the world up for me to hop back and forth between locations. That'll presumably be important?
ReplyDeleteWould have been nice, but no.
Hartmut:
You have a point there, and I don't remember exactly what that last thing you needed the grand magic for looked like - but most of the other electronic stuff on the Toronto should still have a problem with fireballs and lightning, if you ask me :/
And yeah, I'd be amazed at anybody who managed to exploit that loophole accidentally! I'm pretty sure the developers didn't even put it in deliberately. It's certainly a funny idea, though :)
Personally, I would have been enraged that I suffered through the Kenget Kamulos stuff for nothing.
(Hear that, Peter? SUFFERED. Okay, I'll stop now)
I'm so confused by much of what you're both saying above. But I'm sure it'll all come clear soon :S
ReplyDeleteAs for suffering - no thank you!!!
Let's put it this way: Either you get asbestos boots and some decent lightning rods or the suffering cannot be avoided. Also renew your vaccinations and get a supply of antibiotics before you enter those mouldy cellars. Oh yes and a pallet jack for the loot would be useful*. I always find it cumbersome to carry dozens of heavy axes and mailshirts by hand.
ReplyDeleteBtw, onety-three, do you have any idea why the big bad boss does not use the spell against you that is named after him (or why none of his minions does)?
*admittedly it's difficult to get it down and up the stairs ;-)
Interesting. I always focussed on other spells, so that spell wasn't really in my mind when I played those parts of the game. The minions are probably too weak, but I don't see any in-game logic for the big bad not using the spell. Maybe he wanted to loot all your magical helmets!
ReplyDeleteThe developers could have saved a lot of time by making the enemies use that spell, though. Nobody would ever have seen any part of the game beyond that dungeon :D
But if we're honest: The same goes for the freezing spells of the Iskai. They're just lucky that only one Iskai ever attacks you in this game (and that guy was of the useless architecture variety or he might have been enough).
Just shows again that powerful magic is never a good idea when you're creating a fantasy world. Destroys game balance AND logic.
And regarding your shopping tips to Peter: Nice :D
I wouldn't even have been able to be that specific, I just routinely froze everything down there before it could infect/poison/annoy me. Amulet of Speed on Sira for the win :)
*not listening not listening not listening*
ReplyDeleteI always thought a sequel should have a major confrontation between the Iskai and the Kenget (who are quite racist/speciesist).
ReplyDeleteThe other plot lines involve the search for the legendary red crystal axe that controls the blue ones and the preparations for the arrival of the Toronto II. Large part of the action would take place on an extra landmass at the South Pole, where our heroes would confront large polar versions of some of the common monsters (Krondir and Skrinn III). Those would of course be rather resistant to freezing spells. Some demons would also have their natural habitat there. I think Peter has not yet encountered any of those, so I will not spoil the surprise.
I think one thing I can tell him without spoiling anything important is that he should be prepared for some really long walks.
That sounds pretty good :) If any Albion2 project ever really gets off the ground you should bring in those ideas.
ReplyDeleteRegarding long walks: That's what the shift (or ctrl?) key is for, luckily! Using a car wouldn't be faster than that. I can't tell you how many games I've played that would have been twice as good if they just had that freaking key.
Did not notice that there was that option. I remember that on more than one occasion I forgot some item and had to walk all the way back through the toolmaker tunnels to get it and then back in. Maybe it's to discourage people from getting extra XPs for new party members too easily.
ReplyDeletePeter, you really shouldn't keep reading these posts, I'm afraid. Too many small spoilers :/
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Oh, whoops, I thought we were still talking about the Kenget Kamulos. The shift (or is it ctrl) key of course only works for 3d parts, so that other dungeon can still take quite a while to traverse.
Well, 'check your inventory before entering dungeon' is not much of a spoiler. It's not as if I told him that he needs 2cc of mouse blood and three small wooden sticks of equal length to successfully perform the Rite of AshkEnte...oops!
ReplyDeleteI meant the other stuff we're mentioning in passing :)
ReplyDeleteLike, what exactly the two upcoming dungeons are; what parts are 3d versus 2d; the thing about extra XP; etc.
Well, where the dungeons are is not actually a secret. All dungeons are 2D->3D(->2D) And I doubt Peter will get to the extra XP points, at least not alive. Muhahahahaha!!!!! (maniacal laughter) ;-).
ReplyDeleteOK, let's end the foreshadowing until we know which challenge our gracious host will tackle first.