Session 15

Ok. So the last few sessions've been REALLY yappy. I feel like I've been talking to people for ages without getting a juicy quest. Don't get me wrong - I love the exploration and chatting, but I'm ready to go get stuck in!

To this end I immediately tell Mellthas to take me to the dungeon! The screen fades down to black, then back up again with me stood outside a door in some kind of public library.

I guess that the druids didn't chose where the demon layer would connect with the rest of their HQ - but still, it's been 400 years! They could've bricked it up, moved the library, put a little ante chamber on it. For goodness sake, they could've even put a sign up saying "careful - demons". As it is, the entrance to the crypts of the fire worshippers is just a door off the reading area... :S

Anyway, I'm sticking to plan - just head down, get into this cave! No dawdling thinking about the incredible laxness of concern the druids have for the safety of their students. I'm ready to go! Ready to quest!

Straight through the door, and down the flight of steps into:

BASEMENT 1

This is going to be so awesome. The first room is some kind of starter chamber, I ignore it and bust into the next area. There's a load of spikes and a pressure plate! This is going to be so cool.

Via the magic of an isometric viewpoint (weirdly this dungeon isn't first-person like the other ones I've visited...) I can see a load of warniaks in the next area. I don't care I can take them on. There does seem to be quite a few of them... But whatever - if these are the demons the druids are scared of then this should be a breeze in the park! Although actually, I've not got a lot of health going on in my team... But I'm going to barge into this and to hell with the consequences... Barge right on in... Any moment now I'm going to get barging... just getting my strength up for the barge... any second now...

The team head back out of the dungeon and back through the library, up a flight of stairs and round the top floor of the Druid's layer until they find a healer.

"Are! You lot are looking for Bero! I shall heal you up for free in gratitude for your kindness"

"Thankyou! But we've no time to chat you understand! We're DEFINITELY just going to just careen headlong into the this adventure like the dungeon-crazed kill-addicts we are"

"How many health points would you like me to restore?" (weirdly the game really does ask you how many HP you want back when you go for healing!!!)

"Hmmm... well I know it's free... but would it be rude to ask for all of them?"

"Oooh no, I mean, you're only 4 away from max strength anyway. You may as well have the whole lot"

"Well I just wanted to be SURE I was prepared before I charged headlong into whatever danger might await me, not giving a second thought to the consequences..."

"And I'll cure you of poison while I'm at it."

"Right. We're off! We're not even stopping to pick up any useful looking potions. Unless they're blue ones like that. Or this green one. But we're definatly not going to trawl the area for more..."

"...except this one in the work room..."

"...and this one in someone's office..."

"...and this one in this other room..."

Ok. So back down through the library, and down again into the dungeon.

Weird how the druids are allowed to build their base underground. I know they weren't mining for ore, but they HAVE got quite an extensive catacomby HQ. And the walls are all made of carved bricks that must've been dug up. I wonder why the goddess doesn't mind this, but will aparently throw an eppy over digging for iron...

The first room (that I rashly ignored earlier) has a bucket and a basin of water in it. Tom picks up the bucket and fills it with water on the basis that if it's lying around it's very likely going to be important. On the same basis he picks up a spoon that's just on the floor.

The next room is a fairly straight forward pressure-plate pressing puzzle. And amazingly there's a flame that's blocking the way which you can only put out with a bucket of water! Easy! There's a second bucket which I pick up, then I head back and fill them both with water. Again, this turns out to be prescient because round the next bend is a load more fire that needs putting out! Still no use for the spoon yet...

I pop back and fill the buckets with more water because you never know how often you'll need them. I tried to fill a cup with water too (a blue cup I've been carrying around since I was on the toronto at the start because it reminds me of AGS - which has a blue cup for its logo... or at least it used to back in the days when I used it at uni. But I don't know if it does still... just googled... turns out it does http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/ )

Turns out that cups don't work on this planet. Or maybe earth cups don't work with Albion water...

Anyway, off into the dungeon we go. There's a few fights with Warniaks but nothing I can't cope with.

In one corner I find an obvious secret panel, but there's no sign of a way to open it... Until I round a corner and play "Guess the order of three pressure plates". This is an incredibly easy game and after only 2 tries (what do you mean "luck" - it was total skill!) I'm rewarded with a message saying "You hear stone moving back to the west".

Sweet - a secret(ish) chamber! But oh no! More Warniaks! And tough ones too!

At this point I notice Mellthas's rather aloof combat position. While everyone else is huddled over in one corner of the combat grid, he's stood alone and miles off to the side. Not exactly helpful.

Thankfully, he can do magic (weirdly without a Trii - I shall have to talk to him about that some time). Fireball sounds like a good spell. Although "Boasting" sounds rubbish! Aloof AND up himself! It's probaby just aswell this guy's mute...

Although, come to think of it, if he's mute - what's he going to do to boast? Write "I'm well good at magic I am." on a bit of card and show it to the warniaks? What'll they care? People pay good money for their orbs - how many druids can say that?

Hofsteadt is munched on by a monster at this point, but it's actually not so bad since Mellthas saves the day with is awesome fire-magic! Turns out that the fire-ball he conjours is EXACTLY one of the bubbles from the opening cut-scene! Only without a spooky face or tank or flower in it... It's all coming together! Tom's dream WAS prophetic somehow... We just need to find the glowing yellow gingerbread man with the knives baked into it and we're BOUND to unravel the mysteries of this planet!

In the chamber I find some weapons, a nice silver necklace (that I give Hofstedt because it at least covers up a little part of him... Although now that he's been naked for a while, I'm sort of liking how it's becoming part of his character... He's not just a bumbling scientist, he's a bumbling naked scientist). Even more excitingly I find potions! Sweet sweet potions!

I'll list them since they're pretty cool! I found:

Cures for poison

Cures for sickness

Cures for insanity

Cures for red

Cures for violet

Cures for blue.

A friend of mine in real life gave me a pamphlet about herbal tea the other day which listed all the things you might like to make an infusion of against the thing that it helps to cure. There was some surprising stuff in there - cures for indecision, cures for self love (why would you want to cure this?) cures for "Unendurable desolation" (apparently you just need to brew up some sweet chestnut - if only someone'd told Queen Victoria). But being able to cure red? Now THAT's medicine!

I pack all the stuff away and take a rest before carrying on. That'll bring Hofstedt back and re-fuel my magic users' mana.

ONLY IT DOES MORE THAN THAT!!!!!!

As my characters bed down amongst the spike traps and secret doors (couldn't they be bothered to walk back up to the safety of the inhabited parts of the druid base?) Millthas decides this is the right time to study the Iskai in the gang.

Turns out he's not just mute, he's also deaf and the cat people's unusual mouths make for an interesting challenge for him. Curious about their odd faces, he reaches out to poke Sira in the Trii.

This is shown as a full screen still image of Mellthas (looking a lot like Jesus) poking Sira (naked cat woman with a freaky face and one nipple on display) in the face (it looks like he's just poking her in the eye).

This was such a striking image I did a screen grab immediately and now have it as my desktop backdrop. It's just such a mad picture!

With this picture on screen, Mellthas and Sira discover they can communicate psychically - and what happens, I can only describe as incomprehensible!

Through a sequence of psychedelic/poetic psychic exchanges the two characters seem like they're falling in love. At first it all seems like it's quite moving (sort of). There's lots of LITERALLY nonsensical yammering about the amazing sensation and flood of emotions for which there's no words. Mellthas (I think) talks about how he's actually a poet and how this experience is more than he's ever been able to convey.

Then it sounds like it goes a bit sour - he says something like "I'm drowning in your amazing thoughts!" and then she doesn't like it and he's all "ooh, bad imagery?"

uh-oh, she's poetry super sensative? Or maybe it's the talk of drowning... Which is a good way of murdering someone... And she's a murderess (probably)...

"It's just that we're flowing together... like a beautiful river!"

"If we're a river..." says Sira (probably building up for some scathing remark)... "We need to find a bed huuuuurroww!"

She actually does say "huuuuurroww" - she wasn't feeling guilty because of having probably killed her dad, she's just going totally randy for the face-poking male of a DIFFERENT SPECIES.

The game doesn't say they did it right there and then on the damp floor of the abandoned demon-riddled dungeon while the rest of the gang try awkwardly to not notice and find a way to look away at something else but not wander away from the nice warm campfire into the jaws of waiting monsters... But I think it's pretty heavily implied. Certainly I'm lead to understand that after this sexpiphany, Sira and Mellthas are now in love.

I know that Iskai grow up quicker and live shorter than humans - but Sira is listed as being 12 while Mellthas is clearly old enough to have quite a thick bushy beard. Ok, so she's an adult for her species... but still... when you're using that as a justification for the age difference between you and your partner, you've SURELY got to stop and really think about your standards...

Anyway, in the morning we set off back out into the dungeon. Kill a few more warniaks, find the arm off a lever, still no use for this spoon though.

Then we come to a large 3x3 grid of pressure plates on the floor. Clearly another game of guess the pattern - but since there's so many more than before it's hard to believe that you'll have to trial-and-error the answer... I wander around on them for ages but nothing happens - except that I'm nobbled by another set of monsters who're presumably attracted by the incessant clunking of floor panels in a tomb exclusively inhabited by flying monsters.

In this fight Dirr panics. I dunno what spooked her so much, but since she's my star fighter it's quite inconvenient for her to be running around like a headless chicken! It's not SO bad, I still win the fight, but in doing so I discover a neat mechanic in the game!

Turns out that if your magic users run out of mana they CAN still cast spells, it just costs them health instead of MP. That's GENIOUS! I love it! It means that your magic users aren't quite completly useless even if their ammo's spent! They just have to risk their lives to help you! I don't know why you don't see this in all sorts of RPGs! It's a really neat mechanic and adds a little bit of tactical choice to the otherwise quite straightforward fights - Do I cast fire-ball again and hope that it kills the warniak outright, knowing that if it doesn't quite manage it Mellthas will be left alone in a room with half a hitpoint and an angry flapping monster...?

After the fight I use potions to heal up my characters. Don't think I can stomach another love scene. Than I notice that there's a seemingly pointless cluster of flame traps in a + shape just to the north.

Brilliantly I deduce that this means I must press the pressure plates in the same pattern and Huzzah! I'm right! A row of spikes descends and I'm able to nip into the next room.

From here I use the old bit of lever to open a second secret chamber (this time stocked with lovely jewels!) and then a door through to a stair case down! Down to:

BASEMENT 2!!!

oooh - first person mode! I love the way this game is able to have the dungeon experiences from both Ultima 7 AND Eye of the Beholder by simply arbitrarily switching between perspectives. And it's cool how the differently viewed sections of the game come with very different gameplay. In isometric areas it's all about puzzles and using your brain - where as in the first person sections it's much more just about exploring a space, keeping your path lit and navigating...

Ok, I'm not going to get bogged down over-analysing! I'm meant to be throwing myself into this quest! Charge!!!

Oh, hang on, the way is blocked by grilles. Bah.

No fear though! I find a small button in one of the walls! On pressing it a text box appears saying "The wall glides downwards into the ground".

Only in real life it just switches off without so much as a "poof" effect.

"What an effective mechanism" says Hofstedt (these are his ACTUAL words) as though to highlight the absurdity of the game trying to make out like the wall could move downwards so fast that the re-fresh rate of my PC didn't even have a chance to register it.

Down the corridor this reveals I find some warniaks (easily dispatched) and a pile of trash (containing a second silver necklace that I give to Tom, so that he doesn't feel jealous of Hofstedt).

There's also a lever to open the gates to let me progress. Nice!

Along a little further is a large room with huge flames skittering around in the darkness. There's an array of pressure plates here too, obviously some kind of puzzle...

But actually I'm more interested in just exploring at the moment. I can come back and solve these plates when I've found what they're going to open for me. Tom and the gang just saunter through the room and down a large corridor on the other side.

There's seemingly nothing that those plates would activate... the way forwards is totally clear - weird. Maybe they open a secret panel back in that room... I must remember to go back and look for it at some point...

Round the bend I come to a fountain at a crossroads of the passages. It's clearly significant - I fill a bucket from it just to see if I can (and since I can, I'm BOUND to need to...).

I pick the right hand branch to explore first and find myself in a fairly small chamber.

Nothing to see at first, but as I move around in it I find tables and chairs - over-grown with moss and mildew.

Slightly hauntingly, these are a reminder that this isn't just some arbitrary dungeon. It's not meant to be a crypt, designed to keep grave robbers out or hide a monster's treasure trove. These corridors were once living quarters for Druids that were later barricaded up and re-appropriated for a dreadful under-ground conflict!

I imagine the horrible claustrophobia of druids of different religious faiths battling in these tunnels - turning dining rooms into barracks or make-shift field hospitals. The fire worshippers, trapped in these lower areas - the other druids standing between them and the sunlit world above ground! No wonder they would turn to summoning demons - no wonder they were driven to rig the whole place with booby traps to protect themselves! These tables and chairs - made of stone, so they were probably too heavy to move out of the way when the fighting started - are an artefact of what this place used to be before some kind of horrific conflict swept through these tunnels. I imagine the sequence in Watership Down where all the rabbits are getting killed in their tunnels - only with human beings instead of rabbits. Human beings who can throw fire-balls...

I reverently walk out of the room and am immediatly set upon by a HUGE number of warniaks! Dirr tries to take as much health off the tougher ones as she can - but is overwhelmed pretty quickly! Hofstedt curses this stupid rushing-ahead-to-get-to-the-excitement policy and is promptly killed! Mellthas and his new girlfriend manage to subdue a few of the weaker beasties with their mystical take-downs, but it's not long before their out of juice!

Tom rummages frantically for something to help him in his rucksack and pulls out a red sword he's been carrying around for ages.

With no idea what it does, he just closes his eyes and hopes for the best! If it doesn't come up with the goods they're all dead now - so there's no use panicking!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

What the EFF!!???

HEAPS! HEAPS AND HEAPS of fireballs drop out of the sky! The floor catches fire and all the warniaks are killed outright!!!

What the effing eff???!?!! Mellthas and Sira stand agape at the carnage! Talk about over-kill!

"Did you know it did that?" I imagine Mellthas scribbles on his note pad.

Tom's too gob-smacked to respond though. All this time he's had some kind of devastating uber-wand on him and he never knew...

"I think..." I imagine Sira piping up as she surveys the unconscious bodies of Dirr and Hofsteadt, and ponders the depth the team has just blithely wandered into an allegedly demon infested under-world "...that maybe it's time to run away. Any objections?"

Session 14

Slowly, as the sun crept into the sky, Hofstedt and Sira woke up and rubbed the dew out of their blurry eyes. It looks like they HAD managed to sleep after all!

And before they each sneak off behind bushes to discreetly answer the call of nature, they note that Tom and Dirr are now snoring gently - no-longer unconcious from being beaten, now just dreaming like normal people.

Soon the whole party is awake, stretching and shaking the warm back into their muscles and wondering where on earth they were.

In the wilderness is the irrefutable answer.

I pondered going back to find that bridge. It is now painfully clear that I was meant to cross it instead of trying to follow the river. But I've come a really long way since then and there's a good chance that I'll come to civilisation sooner if I just press onwards. Certainly it's a much clearer route - the way back is through a forest, but the way ahead is just swamp.

I decide to be reckless and head out across the boggy landscape. To be honest, I love bog-levels in games. There's something about them that makes them really cool. Maybe it's the colour scheme, maybe it's the suggested squelchyness of them. I just can't get enough of them. If I could find an FPS entirly set in a swamp, I think I'd probably never need to buy another game again (apart from the sequels with improved mud effects and mosquito-bite mechanics). Hence I was never going to go into the trees when a marshy wasteland could be explored!

Slopping around in the muddy water, I soon discover bushels of Triifali seeds! Indeed, they clearly grow really really well out here! From just 4 bushes I managed to harvest almost 100 of the things! Sira should be really well stocked up now!

I start to head southwards and suddenly catch a glimpse of another human! I knew it! Civilisation!

I squelch my way up to the person and say hello

"Push off" is the response.

Seriously? This guy is alone in a swamp in the middle of no-where, but I can't talk to him?

Not quite alone. There's another chap further south... I wander over and try talking to him instead.

"I'm too busy to talk to YOU" he responds.

What's going on with these weird bog people? What exactly are they doing?

By now I'm at the edge of another wooded area. As I head south into it I come to one tree with a man stood under it.

"Will YOU talk to me?" Tom asks

"Of course I will. As long as you're not hear to damage the grove."

"What's the big deal about the grove?"

"Well this tree I'm stood under marks the spot where our ancestors brought our people into this world many hundreds of years ago. "

"For real! But that sounds quite important... So why is there only one man guarding it? I mean, what could you do if anyone attacked?"

"Oh, I have my ways..."

And weirdly this is as much of a conversation as the game allows you to have with this chap. I'm absolutely burning up to know how Celtic people got to Albion - but Tom simply won't ask!

After our little chat I can look at the tree he's talking about and Hofstedt cries out "MY GOD TOM! This is... AN OAK TREE!!!!!!"

The grove is next to a hut and since Frinos (the chap guarding the tree) won't tell me any more I decide to step inside. However, as I walk round to the front I find a sign saying "Arjano".

Looks like I've found the Druids' base! But (as Hofstedt points out incredulously) how come it's just one hut? We were lead to believe that Arjano was a centre for learning where all the druids lived. This one building doesn't look big enough for more than two people to call home -let alone a religious order!

As soon as I move indoors my questions are answered. The hut is totally empty except for two druids and a stair-case down. It looks like Arjano is an UNDERGROUND institute for druids!

One of the guys in the room walks up

"What do you want you lot? We don't get many cat people and naked old folk round these parts..."

"Please excuse my cat people friends and naked companion. We're here on an allegedly multi-part errand for king Tharnos. He sent us to talk to Brother Bero"

"That DOES sound like a multi-part quest" says the druid with a stoney face. He scurries away down the stairs and leaves the team pondering his words

"It doesn't sound multi-part to me" whispers Sira while we wait.

Soon the druid returns

"Nemos will see you now! Follow me!"

Who's this Nemos? I'll find out soon - the druid leads me into the basement.

It's quite nice down here. Sort of a spacious underground hut. Nothing nasty like torches on the wall dripping wax through the eyes of skulls or anything. I wonder why they keep the place under-ground...

The druid who brought me here wanders off and Nemos arrives.

"Druids have been here for 2000 years you know..." he starts. Perhaps he's one of these nervous people who aren't good at chit-chat, so they use an interesting fact as a way to start a conversation with you.

"...Ever since the great Canto lead us here from the world of our forefathers!"

Now this I want to hear. Normally I wouldn't take the bait when people do this sort of thing to me. I sort of don't like this "Start with an interesting fact" stuff as I always feel it means the other person wants my first impression of them to be that they're terribly clever. And if they so badly want me to think they're clever then I CERTAINLY don't want to give them the pleasure.

However - on this occasion I respond: "Tell me more about this interesting fact. You're clearly a terribly clever and interesting person."

"Oh well since you insist - I'll allow you a dip into the broad pool of my historical knowledge. *ahem* Two thousand years ago, the land of our forefathers was destroyed by crusaders. Canto and Dana, as a result, led the chosen ones (us, the druids) through the kingdom of mists to Albion"

"hmm... ok... so... 'Land of our forefathers'... Is that earth yeah?"

"Land of our forefathers"

"Um... yeah. And 'kingdom of mists' - are we talking outer space?"

"Kingdom of mists".

"So... you've got no juicy facts for me after all..?"

"We're the chosen few you know"

"Ugh... Ok. Well, at the moment I need to find Brother Bero. There's a certain king (who I won't name to protect his modesty) who gets so drunk all the time he can't s@ti5fy his \/\/0man aLL /\/16h7. If you know what I mean"

"Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that! You see... Brother Bero is *probably* DEAD!"

"He's DEAD?!?"

"Yes *I expect*"

"What the eff???"

"Well ok. I guess I should explain. Arjano, the underground fortress of the druids is mahoosive! WAY bigger than you'd expect. It's like some kind of epic city under ground or something yeah? Ok, so 400 years ago there was a huge scrap amongst the druids in Arjano. It was us against these fire worshiping druids who were splitting off from the proper druidic faith ok? Well, we beat them off in the end and they went out into the world and became the Kenget Kamulos - you know, the super-slick assassins who are quite stupid. They're the kind of people who, when hired to do a murder, wouldn't question meeting up with their contact deep, deep in the heart of an incredibly dangerous haunted guild-hall filled with deadly traps and monsters..."

Sira looks shiftily about, but no one notices as Nemos the leader of the druids goes on...

"Ok. So yes we beat the fire worshipping assasin monks right. BUT after that a large part of Arjano was left in a bit of a state - filled with ungodly war mechanisms and demons and whatever. I dunno why we never bothered to deal with it - I guess it's like how you move into a new house and never quite get round to unpacking the last box of old pans with their lids missing until 400 years later someone wants to climb into it in search of magical artifacts and *almost certainly* gets them-self killed. You know what I mean?"

"not really..."

"Brother Bero wandered off into a sealed part of Arjano looking for magical artifacts. Only he hasn't come back and since that part of the building is infested with demons and deadly contraptions, it's fair to assume it's 'cos he's been made into a toasty and snacked on by nightmare ravagers."

"Oh balls."

"Still, you lot are PERFECTLY placed to go look for him!"

"Err - seriously? How'd you figure that one?"

"Ah well. Everyone else would LOVE to go in there, but basically it's taboo. Sort of like how Belle isn't meant to go into the east wing in Disney's Beauty and the Beast because it's full of satanic torture traps and fire-worshipping abominations. Only since you're not a druid it's fine for you to go in"

"psst" whispers Naked Hofstedt "I'm starting to see how this is a multi-part quest..."

"Seriously, Hof? Are you really? Well that's amazing. I totally hadn't worked it out - I'm so glad we've got you with us you pointless old burden."

"Yeah - we have to rescue the Druid so that then we can get the amulet off him for the king..."

"*sigh*"

"So that's decided is it? Excellent." proclaims Nemos. "Now, I won't send you into a dungeon of demons who've been holding 400 years worth of grudge without any help at all. So allow me to introduce Bero's foster son Mellthas the mute"

Mellthas steps up with a sign with "Please don't make me go into the demon dungeon. These people treat me like an idiot just because I can't talk. I have a degree!" written on it.

Nemos smacks it out of his hands.

"Ignore that. Mellthas is a bit simple. Look after him for us would you? I'm off for some paella. Do stop by if you get out alive! Ciao!"

Session 13

I'm not sure how I feel about grinding. In an RPG where the combat is amazing, grinding's a pleasure! It's an excuse to do the fun bit of the game over and over again (see "Baten Kaitos" or "Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door" on the Game Cube).

In other games it's a crushing chore (see "Mazes of Fate" on the GBA-SP).

The best ones are games where side-quests keep you interested, but lead you around the place into the path of monsters. That way it doesn't feel like grinding at all, it feels like side-questing. You get all the levelling up, but don't feel like you had to go out and farm XP off of endless tigers, rats, goblins and spiders.

Albion doesn't seem (so far) to have any side quests. After last time I decided to stock up on food then go out and look for people saying things like "There's a girl I really like. She only likes apples, but I'm too cowardly to get them since they only grow in monster grove. I'd certainly give my magic armour to anyone who could get me one!".

Weirdly there is literally no-one doing this! Despite there being lots of clearly significant places and things dotted about the place (I found a locked door in a basement, a secret passage in a kitchen and a spooky eye on the side of a cliff just for starts) there's no clues or leads to start an investigation of them!

Still, I had a very nice time wandering around looking for secrets. The island is covered in dense jungle and I discovered that you can swan around in amongst it - the paths around the tree-trunks forming a sort of maze you have to navigate blindly. The screen becomes completely filled with the tops of trees as you charge through the heart of the woods which is quite dramatic I thought.

PLUS there's secret groves! openings in the trees that you can't see from the main clear areas you might be expected to stick to. You have to explore the jungles to stumble on them and they're all thick with Triifali bushes.

Now that I have Sira with me I have a better idea of what the seeds of this bush do. She is a level 4 mage when you get her (only 12 years old... Mind you, Dirr's only 16) and so I finally have a magic user on the team.

When she casts a spell she chucks one of the seeds at an enemy. When it gets to them it sets of a dramatic magical effect. So far I've only really used sleep spores and blinding spark - but they're actually quite impressive compared to what I was expecting.

So it turns out the magic system has two ammo sets - mana points (which are a regenerating blue bar under her health bar) and these seeds. Since she uses a seed for every spell cast, I feel I need to stock up on them, so I trawl every inch of the island to find as many as I can - taking in a tour of several hidden groves and a swamp-bridge to a smaller island in the process.

Naturally enough, this quest for seed treasure brings me into a bunch of fights with angry monsters and so ends up functioning as a bit of a grind after all. Not a boring slog of a grind as these things can become, but I wonder if maybe later in the game (when I have enough cash to buy as many seeds as I like) there'll be no need to hunt for bushes and THEN what will make the grinding more interesting?

That's an issue for another time. For now I head back into town, visit the inn one last time (and notice that it only charges rooms on a per concious person basis - so even though unconscious people clearly get a proper rest too, only the ones who've not been nobbled by warniaks have to cough up) and returned to the sebinah.

A heart-warming conversation ensues where the leader of the town who seems to sort of passive-aggressively fish for compliments.

"I'm sad you hate this place so much that you have to leave... I know you'll have a nicer time in other towns on the planet"

"no no, we don't hate it here - we just have to go find our friends who are either destroying your planet or being killed by divine apparitions"

"And you liked the toilet factory? And the haunted house? You didn't have a horrible time?"

"Well to be honest, we were killed quite a few times by nightmarish underground..."

"I knew it! You HATE our island don't you! You've always hated the island! This is because I have fat legs isn't it!"

etc etc etc. Eventually we manage to convince her that we don't hate her, but that we're leaving anyway and it's us not her and there was nothing she could've done better we're just bastards and she's nothing to feel bad about (despite the fact that her hearing this is not going to do her any good in the long run, it'll just give her and excuse not to examine why everyone hates her so much and carry on being a needy manipulative shrew).

Anyway - she gets a boat to come along and as the gang set sail Tom turns to them and gives a motivational speech.

"You know guys, I'm pleased with how well our first ever murder investigation went. But I think it held us up quite a lot. How about from here on out we decide to skip the formalities?"

Skip the formalities? So solving a crime is just a formality for this guy?

It seems to work though - as soon as he says this a text box pops up to tell me

"The rest of the team all agree to skip the formalities".

Well at least this means I can look forward to getting on with the juicy main plot without having to do piddly fetch-and-solve quests for miserable progress-withholding officials any more!

The boat ride lasts a couple of days, during which time Dirr teaches us all to speak the native tongue of the next place perfectly. To the point where it will seem like they're all speaking English too!

I'm looking forward to the next island - I honestly haven't the first idea what to expect since I've never seen screen shots of the game past the opening sections! Will it be more of the same, or some totally new style of landscape?

It doesn't take long for my questions to be answered. As land comes into sight I'm treated to another full-screen image (like when Mandy Bapsout woke me up back after the crash). This time it's of the shore-line of the next island which is dotted (as Hofstedt points out) with celtic round houses!

Large circular straw huts make up a settlement on the shore! I certainly didn't see THAT coming... And neither did Hofstedt it seems:

"Celtic round houses!!! But this can't be! It doesn't make sense! It suggests that these people came from earth!!!"

Tom, however, doesn't seem bothered. "I'm not surprised by this sort of thing any more Hofstedt. This planet is clearly mental. My mum could turn up and say she's been the god-queen of this world for the last two thousand years and I'd probably not bat an eye-lid. I wonder if I died in the crash - or am in some kind of coma. This might be a fantasy world I'm dreaming..."

"Hmm, you're right. Maybe, as a natural scientist, I need to expand my horizons a bit. I mean, we have cat people with us who can do magic... there's clearly SOMETHING fishy going on..."

"Let's just go find the king, or whatever, and see if the Toronto's been seen anywhere round here. If not, we'll move on to the next island..."

Wishful thinking Tom. I mean, has there ever been an RPG where your time on an island is as simple as asking if your goal is here and moving on? Doubtless the prince won't tell you about the Toronto until you've fetched him a lemon from the tree at the bottom of demon gorge so he can woo the ambassador's daughter.

Anyway - I explore the town looking for the king.

Interestingly the Celtic village isn't a 3D first person section. The game stays in the zoomed out map-view that was used for outside the city on the first island. I guess this is because it's only a few little houses and not a particularly dramatic location. But it's a funny sort of inconsistency in the game...

I to imagine how the people who made this game must've thought up the setting. "We sort of want to make a space-based RPG... we like Sci Fi a lot. HOWEVER - we also love straight-up standard RPG fantasy settings. We need to come up with a way to get both at once..."

The result is that when you end up coming to the celtic town it feels a little like Lost on TV when they find the pirate ship. This very familiar environment is just dropped into the middle of the mad other-world you've been exploring for the last few hours.

I wander around talking to the occasional random person (none of them have much to say for themselves apart from "King Tharnos is sad" - which doesn't bode well). The insides of the huts are beautfilly rendered though. Honestly, you wouldn't know this game was futuristic with space ships and guns and aliens from the way it looks now. It could easily be some kind of Elder Scrolls precursor!

I find the king and his wife milling about in their hut. There are guards but they don't seem bothered to talk to me - let alone try and stop me. Clearly intimidated by the fact that Hofstedt is naked (this isn't reflected in his character sprite mercifully! However, since his armour got damaged a while back and I've not got round to replacing it, his inventory lists him as nude).

It's funny that the game doesn't update characters' sprites when you change their equipment. Ultima 7 managed it two or three years earlier. I guess it will have been a development budget thing. It's easy to forget that although all these old games seem to be at an equal disadvantage now that so much time has passed - Ultima 7 was a triple-A title of the time where as Albion, alas, was not. It's nice to feel, however, that coming back to these games when they're both considered "retro" means you can view them as basically equals. Back in 1995 you might've said "Albion's engine is lame compared to Ultima 7's and that was TWO YEARS AGO! No way am I playing it" but now that small difference in technology isn't enough to poison you against the inferior title.

"Ah, king Tharnos, have you noticed a giant metal ship descend from heaven and transform into an indestructible world-eating organism lately? It's just that I left all my stuff on board when I left, and I was half-way through the latest Terry Pratchett"

"HA HA HA HA HA - such stories! I've never heard the like! You crazy guys and your jokes and naked old man!"

At which point Tom replies (rather sarcastically I thought) "In that case we shall leave and head straight for Maini, Oh Tharnos"

Clearly I'm not the only one who thought our hero was pushing his luck getting satirical - "Oh no you don't! No one may leave this island without MY say so."

"Oh balls."

"Now while you're waiting for me to give you my permission, there's a multi-part quest I want you to go on for me."

"oh" (pipes up Sira the probably-a-murderess who I'm pretty sure killed her own dad) "But Tom - didn't we say we were going to forget the formalities? You remember? You said we were going to forget them? The formalities?" (looks like sarcasm's catching)

"Basically" (continues Tharnos) "my wife and I's... Intimate relationships aren't everything they used to be. After all, I'm not getting any younger. Since you're not from round here it won't compromise me for you to know this. Anyway, because of this I need you to nip over to Bero the chemist and fetch some viagra"

(ok - so actually instead of "Bero the chemist" he says "Brother Bero the druid". And instead of "some viagra" it's "A virility amulet". But I wanted to highlight the menial nature of this quest. He may as well be sending us Superdrug to pick him up some condoms because he's too anxious that the bar-code won't scan and the girl on the till will have to shout to her supervisor "How much for a 10 pack of fruit flavoured?")

"So go to the chemist for viagra... That doesn't sound very multi-stage to me..?"

"Mwo ha ha ha ha! You just wait! Now off you go! You'll find the chemists' HQ easily enough - just follow the river north from here! Toodle-oo!"

On my way out of the hut I bump into the king's wife, Firina. She's not got time to talk at length because she's "Off to make an offer to the gods on a... personal matter".

Yeah yeah, we know what THAT is.

"Still, while you're here. Why not tell us about these gods?"

"Oh... ok. I guess I'm in no rush. There's two main gods. Lugh is the god of business. Then there's Danu who is the she-planet we live on. There's a load of other little ones too, but they're only really worshipped by people on a local level."

I love this - Business and THE WHOLE WORLD are placed at an equal level of importance by these people! It's like modern capitalism but a bit more explicit.

I ask a few more questions and learn that I'm on the island of gratogel. The druids live at a place called Arjano and in local news there's Umajo folk about.

These are the people who can mine without being badded up by the goddess. I assume they're going to be important because Firina goes into quite some depth about their current doings.

Aparently it is only possible to learn how to do weapon smithing from a member of the Umajo guild. When you've learned, you become a member of the guild too.

Recently there was a war with the Umajo, but since then they've dropped their prices a load. Although they still persecute non-guild weapon smiths.

This is a strange collection of facts. A war is mentioned, but it's not explained who won (if anyone). Certainly it seems as though the Umajo must've been beaten since they've been driven to lower their prices. But on the other hand, how could the guild that makes all the metal weapons in the world be beaten? Why would they not just refuse to sell anyone any weapons then use their own weapons to kill everyone with? Also, how can they persecute non-guild weapon smiths when all weapon smiths become part of the guild?

Anyway - I'll have to remember this stuff as it's BOUND to come in handy later.

I leave Firina to go make her offerings (although to be honest, she needn't bother since I'm off to get a wang-amulet which will do the trick for her husband anyway). On the way out I notice that the dining table is strewn with a LOT of empty tankards and wonder if perhaps the personal issue is the result of over-indulging... But you can't really say that to the king of a magical celtic space colony.

Oh yeah - didn't I mention? Space druids can do magic aparently! No-one's explained how yet though. They don't have Triis (the "magic organ" that the Iskai have) so there must be some other way they channel it... I'll be interested to find out what it is! I wonder if maybe naked Hofstedt could learn it. It'd give him something to do other than flee at least...

Additionally, someone along the line (I didn't note down who) told me that it is the space druid/chemists who can read and write. The suggestion is that no-one else does. HOWEVER - there's pleanty of sign posts about the place. PLUS, apparently these people revere poets as highly as warriors. So presumably the druids come round and put the signs up for their own benefit only and poets just remember their poems and say them to people instead of producing anthologies?

Anyway, off I go, wandering up the river. I wonder how these humans got to this planet! It's odd how Tom and co don't see fit to ask anyone yet... I suppose they don't expect anyone to be able to answer. Clearly these people've been on this planet for longer than this generation would be able to remember - so I guess I'll have to hunt out some historians to work it out... Even then, it's probably going to be a crazy creation myth... I'm GENUINELY intrigued by this!

As I walk up-stream I get into a couple of fights. The monsters are so far the same as the ones on the last island, except that the Warniaks hunt in much bigger groups now!

The trees are much less dense here than in the jungles earlier. And the trees seem less exotic. I think this island is quite a bit bigger too. One of the people I was talking to in the town was boasting about how her food supplies came from various places all round the place: Fruit from Aballon (just south of the great mountain) and bread from Vanello (near to Arjano).

I walk past a bridge. The river carries on and I decide that I should keep on along it rather than cross over.

However this quickly turns out to have been the wrong thing to do. The river goes up a water-fall a little further along - up onto a raised plateaux that I can't access. I'm not concerned initially and I follow the cliffs around, curving off to the east.

I follow the line of the cliff for a while thinking all the time "I should turn back and find that bridge again". Only then disaster strikes! Krondirs and some Warniaks attack together!

Krondirs are the big bear like beasties that I first met in the old Former's guild hall. They're tough, but I'm usually ok to take down a couple without sustaining too much damage. This time round there's two at once and I get through with only Dirr taking much of a beating.

Only problem is, there's LOADS of Warniaks. Something like 4 regular ones, but more importantly there's 2 level 2s and a level 3! This is going to get tough!

The level 1 Warniaks go down pretty swiftly and Sira starts putting the others to sleep.

Sira's magic is not 100% reliable, if you tell her to target a creature that moves before she gets the chance to do her spell she'll miss. As such, you usually have to wait for the monster to get right up close enough before it's worth trying to lob a mystical seed at it! That means that if two horrible monsters get to you at the same time, you can put one to sleep straight away, but the other will have a whole turn to stab you up before you can get round to knocking it out too.

Since there's three horrible monsters at once this time round things go pretty baddly. We kill the level 1 Warniaks, and one of the two level 2 ones. But then Dirr and Tom are struck down. The level 3 Warniak is able to strike 3 or 4 times in one turn - so it makes short work of my top fighters!

The situation looks bad - only Sira the untrustworthy and Hofstedt the naked left! Neither are going to be able to do much physical damage - certainly not enough to kill one of the remaining enemies before it kills them.

Thankfully both the remaining Warniaks are asleep. It's a tricky predicament. If I flee, the monsters will just attack me again and I won't be able to rest because they'll be right next to me!

I'm safe for now, but if I attack the monsters it'll wake them up and they'll kill me before I even make a dent in them.

My two weediest characters assess their options. None of my spells seem likely to be useful. I certainly can't just run up and slap them. But wait! What's this?

Desperately looking for options I click on "use magical item" and it brings up a list of everything my character is carrying. Since this is Sira I've selected one of the items is the stiletto I gave her (which I stole from the I-thought-at-the-time cold dead hands of her probable accomplice in her father's murder).

It turns out that the stiletto has an awesome ice power! I select the row of the tactical grid that the two Warniaks are sat on and set it off! They both take massive ice damage killing the level 2 monster outright!

Even better - the level 3 beastie doesn't seem to wake up! Whether that's because this is a ranged magical attack, or if it's PART of the magical attack to put victims to sleep after I don't stop and consider. I just keep blatting this flapping horror with more and more bursts of frosty magic, hoping it won't run out before the beast is dead!

Thankfully, however many shots I get with the sword, it's more than the Krondir can take! Amazingly I've survived!

Naked Hofstedt turns to probably treacherous Sira over the slumped bodies of unconscious Dirr and Tom. I imagine they exchange a look of "We did it! And we've discovered and amazing secret power in that sword!"

But the victory elation will've been short lived. Soon the reality that they're in the middle of no-where, a LONG way past the last sign of habitation in a monster infested swamp will've come rushing back to them. They only survival aid is a magical sword that may at any time simply stop working (I don't know if they'd be thinking that, but I'M certainly thinking it - it's pretty rare you get infinite ammo of such badass weapons in this sort of game) and it's getting dark...

They huddle up close for warmth, hoping to protect the bodies of their comrades in the mud. And as the evening choir of howling nasties echoes out from amongst the near by trees they tried to get some sleep... Only to find that no-one in the team was tired... Looks like they'll have to stay up all night out here!

Session 12

I have to say, the sky box in the city is beautiful. I spent a while whipping about doing back-in-town stuff at this point.



First I went to the healer and got some downers for Tom and Hofstedt. Only 4 gold a pop - bargain! AND she threw in a free healing potion as a loyalty reward scheme (not that there's anywhere else in town to get healed even if I wanted to...)



Then I went to an inn thinking that I could probably get a better rest - only 2.4 gold coins for three rooms for the night! AND - as expected - you get 100% health back for sleeping in a bed. So that's ANOTHER bargain! Clearly people round here is terrified to leave their houses. The only reason I can think of that 4.6 gold would seem like a sensible price for a full body de-tox and tone up would be that people have no idea you can just walk out of the city and kill rats for cash (well, pretty much. The rats don't have cash on them - but they usually hang around piles of junk that contain it) or bird monsters for spheres you can sell...



Thinking of which, I popped into the general store to flog my sphere and the trii-like bits off the monsters. It's quite refreshing for an RPG to be able to get quite rich quick at the start of the game!



Back to the trainer - I was sure (and turned out I was right) that all my guys would be able to do more training now. And interestingly I think my theory about the value of things in this town being linked to people's cowardliness is supported by how much it costs to learn to fight. The badass trainer charges an arm and a leg for his tutoring - clealry he's been outside and knows that rich adventurers are ripe for a carvup.



I'm still not clear about the level up system. I don't know for sure - but I get the feeling you HAVE to spend money to improve - which is interesting. You've already fought to level up, and to then be asked to allocate money from your spoils to being allowed to level up some more... dunno how much sense that makes... It's obviously not terrible - I'm not putting the game down in disgust. But it's funny how it makes developing your characters into a double challange...



Anyway - everyone got trained up in close combat and that pretty much cleared me out.



Thankfully I'm carrying round a load of useless weapons - so off to the weapon-smith to flog them.



That's more like it. Feeling a little bit like a wheeler-dealer now I'm flush again. To the point where I'm ready to spend money getting things repaired - I found a broken decorative sword somewhere along the way so I get that cleaned up. Never know what might turn out to be useful!



Also - I nipped off and bought a musical crystal, a compas and some torches. Then I got Hofstedt's curse lifted and nipped back to Agrim in the old formers' building. This would've previously been an epic, dangerous mission. Now that the cave's clear it's just a fairly boring track through empty mossy halls - halls that thave been drained of their opressive spookiness because I know full well what everything is, what I need to be worried about and what I can just push through. What used to be horrific squiggly roots and throbbing pustules don't awe me now. Even the floor mouths can be shut up by and large with old monster meat.



When I get to Agrim's brain again I click to interact with it. Only, by chance, I've got Tom leading my party now. So Tom plunges his human face deep into the blue goo that is Agrim's giant Trii.



"AIIII! It feels like someone's set my spine on fire!" is his response! I can't imagine how that would feel, but I'm guessing pretty nasty - and it leaves our hero both intoxicated (again) and "irritated".



I have no idea how severe any of these complaints are. It's hard to guage if any of his stats are being effected by them... Thankfully I know a lady who can cure him so I'm not too bothered.



I put Dirr in charge and she connects back up to the ancient maniac.



"Hello again little lady!"



"Hi - we've brought you a musical crystal!"



"Oh cheers!"



"here you are"



"Thanks"



"... so... got anything in return?"



"Bye"



I'm imagining the already irritable Tom asking Dirr what Agrim said



"Funny story. He just said 'thanks' and that was it."



"No special reward? That's how quests are meant to work aren't they?"



"Well until now I'd've said yes. But it seems that Agrim is a douche of the highest order and took our expensive crystal and just left it at that!"



This is quite irritating. I guess it's quite entertaining too - it's like the quests in Ultima 7 that you do if you're playing as a goodie, but that get you nothing. I remember the rescuing the baby quest in U7 - I lugged that baby round the whole world before I found the parents and then they just say "Thanks" and that's all you get.



I like the way that it's sort of a morality system that works on the same basis as real life - if you're nice, all you get is the warm sensation of knowing you helped someone out. On the other hand, I don't like it because trecking through this cave takes ages and it turns out it was totally pointless. Gah!



Since this all happened I've learned that I had the option to kill Agrim. Had I known it at the time I might've done it as a result of the game tricking me into wasting time like this.



I head irritably (Tom especially so) back into town. Another visit to the healer sorts Tom out for intoxiction - but she's clearly no councellor since she can't do a thing for "irritation". she doesn't even sell any potions that would appear to have anything to do with it. I guess I'll just have to put up with Tom being snappish for a while then... I hope it wares off eventually. I mean, yeah, having your spine zapped by a ghost brain is pretty annoying - but he's not lastingly hurt and to be fair, he did press his face into its rotating gelatinous body. He shouldn't be taking it QUITE so personally...



Now to get back to the quest proper.



I head over to Frill's office and show him the dagger.



"Oh, interesting dagger... Hmmm... This is 150 years old - exactly as old as the madded up Formers' building you found it in. Probably a co-incidence though... Anyway, the strangest thing is - and I can't work out how this could have happened - it used to belong to Bradir's family! Y'know - the guy who, in your absense, has taken over Akiir (the dead man)'s position as head of the Dji Fadh. I just don't get it though! The murderer of the leader of the guild... The dagger belonging to his new replacement... the assassing who will have been hired by someone... I just can't work out why the murderer would have a dagger belonging to the guy who, it turns out, was going to get a big career boost as a result of the killing..."



"Hmm... maybe the murderer was looking after it for Bradir when someone asked him to do the murder and it's all just a co-incidence?"



"Yeah - I guess that would have to be it!"


Secretly I didn't think so - so I headed off DIRECT for the Dji-Fadh's guild. I, like Jessica Fletcher, was going to catch the killer out with my old-lady cunning.


I scurried over to the new guild-house, past the toilet tour, and into the building proper.


"excuse me - what can you tell me about Bradir?" I ask some random passer by


"Oh he was such a good pal of Akiir. He was really VERY sad when our former master got horribly murdered up in front of that kid..."


"Kid?"


"Er - yes. The kid whose coming-of-age ceremony was ruined by there being a murder at it. You know, the one who will be scarred for life?"


"Oh HIM..."


"Well anyway. We were all quite worried for Bradir, but now he's leader of the guild he seems much happier. I suppose that keeping busy has taken his mind off the death of his chum"


A likely story.


Ah ha! Here's my suspect now! I'll trap him with a cunning word-trap - just like in Murder She Wrote. I'll say - "they found the antique dagger that the murderer used you know" and Bradir will say "Oh, I wondered where I'd put that" thus leaving himself open to me saying "OH HO! But I never said it was YOUR antique dagger!!!!" And then he'll know he's shown his hand!


OR perhaps I'll say something like "We found the murderer dead in the old Formers' guild hall" and he'll say "Oh, did you take a musical crystal in with you?" and I'll say "AH HA! The only way you could know about the gelatinous ghost of Agrim would be because you were in the old Formers' guild hall and are in cahoots with the killer!!!"


This is going to be so cool.


"Excue me Bradir..."


"Yes?"


"What can you tell me about this?" At which point I reveal the dagger I found and prepare to pay VERY close attention to whatever he says next - so that I can catch him out...


*WHAM* oh - he just punched me. That never happens to Jessica Fletcher.


A short fight ensues, but really this guy should definitely not have tried to take us on as the recently trained up Dirr chops his guts out with one move.


So I guess that's that sorted out. Clearly he did the murder and knew he couldn't get away with it so he tried to attack us and escape.


No sense wasting good kit though - Dirr kneels down and thieves his breast plate and sword ("Bradir's Stiletto" - named weapon eh?). Then she rifles his pockets (which he doesn't have because he's naked now, but he must've been keeping the rest of his stuff SOMEWHERE) and grabs 2 gold coins and a non-perishable food pack off him.


Well I guess we should go tell someone about all this - only OOPS! Turns out the recently looted Bradir ISN'T dead at all!


As soon as I click to clear the "loot enemy" screen, some text pops up saying something to the effect of "Ow - you bested and then degraded me. Get me to the healer and I'll fess up!"


Fade to black and another text box pops up saying "you took him to the healer and thence to Sabinah (I think that's her name... can't remember off hand and I didn't write it down) the head honcho of the town for an interrogation"


The game fades up in the council house. Us three, Sabinah, Bradir and now Sira (the murder victim's daughter) are all there standing around. I imagine I've explained everything that's happened already, so this is pretty much a formality before this douche get's chucked in prison...


Only then Sabinah says "Bradir - please exaplain your unusual reaction to being shown the dagger."


What?! Unusual reaction? He's CLEARLY the killer!!!"

"Ah... Oh... Well..." stars Bradir "Wel..."

"YOU KILLED MY DAD!" Sira says

"No! No I didn't!"

A likely story

"If you didn't order the hit" begins Dirr "then who did?"

"Well... now that's a tricky one... You see... the thing is..."

"yes...."

"The thing is... AKIIR ORDERED THE HIT ON HIMSELF!!!!"

Does this guy really expect us to believe that?

"How can that be true?" asks Sebinah

"WELL - he was fatally ill! And since he was effed off at Sira for being a Dji Kas AND he had a score to settle with Fasiir he decided to get himself murdered as a way of getting back at them. The dagger was the killer's payment..."

Now I can see holes in this story. For starters, why would Akiir pay for a hit on himself with someone else's ancient dagger? ALSO - why did he have a score to settle with Fasiir? He got Fasiir's sister killed through his ineptitude - that doesn't sound like something he needs to get revenge for by arranging a frame-up...

Additionally, isn't it all a little too convenient that the two people who could possibly corroborate this story are the dead people?

"I believe him" Sira cries out without asking for any details OR seeming to be bothered that she'd pissed her dad off so hard that he felt it was sensible to have himself murdered to teach her a lesson.

"Oh, well then I do too" says Sabinah.

"Someone free Fasiir and rehabilitate her" (Rehabilitate?!?!? What do they do to you in custody that would require this?!?!)

"Kill Kriis though. He was clearly some kind of accomplice in all this and probably guilty of something"

And that's it!

I didn't catch what was to happen to Bradir - I guess he was set free? But CLEARLY something's amis here - I'm guessing that Bradir and Sira were in on it together. That's the only reason I can think of that she'd just arbitrarily accept his mad testemony.

But the game doesn't seem to want me to follow it up at all and the interrogation breaks up and people wander off with Sabinah saying:

"Thankyou for solving the crime, you did well! Come talk to me when you're ready for me to arrange a boat to take you off this island!"

So there we are - mission successful. "Well that was exciting" says Dirr. "Listen, you don't mind if I tag along with you wherever you go next do you? I know I'm some kind of police officer, but I recon I'm owed some exciting holiday and I'd really like to see how the giant world-eating robot stuff pans out!"

Hoorah! My best-fighter-by-miles is coming with me! That's ace!

"Oh, and I've always been an impulsive sort of person" Pipes up probably-a-murdererss Sira "So I think I shall come with you too. If you don't mind..."

Um... not SO sure about that one. I'm pretty sure she had a hand in her father's killing so I dunno if it's a great idea having her along. But the game doesn't give me a choice in the matter so I guess I'll just have to make the most of it.

I dress her up in Bradir's armour and give her his sword (which seems fitting... it's like I'm saying I KNOW you guys are in cahoots... I just need to prove it...). Then I set off out the door, ready for the next step in my grand adventure - presumably some kind of epic boat trip!

Session 11

So, time to just clean up the loose ends in this dungeon. First I carry on into the antechamber behind Agrim's brain.

There's a couple more mouths in the floor and a couple of monsters - but basically it's loot central! I find a new axe for Tom (is it safe to give an axe to an intoxicated pilot?) Plenty of human armour and something called a "Red Sword". It looks to be pretty rubbish, but it has some kind of enchantment - I just can't tell what it is... I didn't realise there were going to be magical items!

A quick check of everything else I'm carrying reveals that the antique dagger the assassin had is somehow magical too... The only way to see what the magic does appears to be using it - and I'm not sure I want to just start doing that. What if it's single use? What if it's some kind of booby-trap? When I get a chance I'll take them back to the magicians in town and see what they can tell me.

Back to the matter at hand - I've finally reached the farthest depth of this dungeon. The treasure chest with the sword in marks as far as it's possible to go in the Former's guild. Looks like it's time to turn round and head out.

The place is spookily quiet on the way back. Looks like I'd actually killed everyone in here after all - there's not one monster to deal with (although there's loads of those walking drip-catcher plants shuffling around - and the occasional glowing bug).

Heading back through the light-up-floor room it becomes obviously clear what Agrim's mysterious words about connecting points of light meant - there's two rainbow plants in there and sure enough, once I walk between the two and leave a trail of glowing footprints connecting them a door opens up in the wall.

It's a narrow passage and the team has to squeeze in between more roaming plants and tightly packed mossy columns. The winding corrirdor finally leads us into a room brilliantly lit by more columns of lasers - but this time they're yellow and stuck in position.

"Lights of the goddess!" says Dirr "These are magical phenomena that only appear in places most blessed by the goddess!"

"wow... so, on your planet, secret cupboards are the most sacred places?" says Tom

"Well... no... not really..."

"Oh... So it's more to do with Agrim the abomination who famously threw a massive hissy fit when he wasn't allowed to be immortal then cataclysmed the Dji-Fadh's club house turning it into a deady psychadelic haunted cavern?"

"That doesn't sound like it can be right either... Listen, never mind."

I don't mind, because hard though it is to understand the goddesses reasoning the blessings are actually pretty damned sweet! Stepping into the first one grants everyone in the party the gift of increased endurance! Stepping into the other gives everyone improved speed!

This kind of direct tinkering with players stats is an ace reward for an RPG - and not one that you see very often. Most RPG's - that stem from the D&D traditions at least - are pretty coy about going directly into your stat screen and saying "have some more of THAT". And you can see why - it sort of damages your suspended disbelief. You do sometimes see games giving you special tomes you can pick up that'll boost the reader in a particular area - but it's pretty rare.

I love it though. I think it's a really neat idea! To my mind it provides another set of collectables (along side collectables-for-money and collectables-for-fighting) AND serves as a parallel avenue of character developing (you don't just get better by levelling up, you can hunt down these sweet short cuts too!)

And I think it has a sort of satisfying fusing effect on the games mechanics. This is something that's hard to measure, but I think that game systems feel more satisfying the more interconnected they are.

If you imagine all the elements of a game laid out on a table with sherbet bootlaces linking them together where they connect you'd usually find that they form sets of clusters. The mechanics fall into separate sets, and the sets are only linked to each other at one or two points.

So for example, the stats, XP and combat are all closely interlinked - they are all closely related and affect each other in a variety of ways. They form a little cluster.

Elsewhere on the table you've got the exploration mechanics and environment interactions. These are a totally separate part of the game that form another little cluster.

My theory is that the more you can mesh these separate clusters together, the more satisfying and coherent your game will feel. That's how I explain WHY it's cool to have things like these "Lights of the goddess" that you find and activate to directly influence your stats. It strings a bootlace between the environment cluster and the abstract numbers cluster -making them feel more connected.

It's the same as having a story that genuinely connects to something practical in a game. So, for example, if you were playing an RPG and your lead warrior had his arm broken in a cut-scene - then in game his move set had changed to reflect it, that would be awesome! That would be a bootlace directly connecting the story layer and the combat-mechanics, making the game feel more satisfying...

AAAAAAANYWAY : Sorry about that. I got WAY more side-tracked into talking about design than I meant to.

Back to the game:

I snagged my two Lights of the Goddess and was just sauntering back out of the secret passage when I noticed a funny looking texture on the wall... Looks like the loose caved-in moss I saw in the basement back in town...

Clicking on it I find I can use an item on it - and just as I suspected the pickaxe does the job! I smash my way through into a sub-chamber! Nested secrets!!! I love nested secrets! (although I'm not going to go on about them right now as I've only just finished one design rant!)

Tucked away behind this secret wall is a third light... And this time it gives everyone improved strength! Awesome!

Now it's time to get out of this horrible dungeon. It's dark and there's nothing else for me in here. Time to step back into the light of the outside world!

It's around 4 or 5 AM when I stagger out. I feel like a bunch of revellers on the morning after the Glastonbury festival. Everything's over, it's cold and we're wandering around trying to find a burger van that's not packed up and left yet so we can line our stomachs.

Tom and Hofstedt are still intoxicated - so I decide to get some fresh air before going home. I've not properly explored the wider world yet and don't even know how big this country is - whether it's totally surrounded by sea or if there's land borders between this and the next areas...

I figure that taking time to have a proper explore will give the laser-drunkenness that's afflicting the boys a chance worn off. Plus the teams starting to become quite un-even in the XP department.

Since Dirr has been the one to consistently survive fights, she's been getting much more XP than the humans on the team - as far as I can tell, if you're unconscious when the battle finishes, you get nothing. She's level 9 where as Tom's still only 7 and Hofstedt's a pretty measly 6.

I figure that maybe a little good old-fashioned "grinding" is in order. And if I can double up the time as useful exploration that's even better!

We decide to head to the beach, then stroll south - following the coast around as far as it'll take up.

"Hey guys! Look at this" - we've found some Triifali bushes! These are the plants where the magical seeds grow that the Dji-Kas use to cast spells. That's a nice start to our exploring! As the sun comes up we clean out the two bushes we've stumbled across - doubling our supply of the seeds. We've not found a use for them yet, but since mages need them and I'm hoping we'll get a mage on the team some time it seems like a good idea to stockpile! Certainly they don't weigh much so there's not much harm in taking them along.

It's starting to get to a reasonable time of day now. The beach carries on southwards, curving eastwards.

There's an abundance of wildlife in the woods of Albion. Most of it seems to be benign I think - there's little froggy things and birds flying around. There's also flocks of butterflies - most of which I'm pretty sure are safe to touch. However the pink ones defiantly bite - one set took 11 hit points off Dirr as she was admiring a glowing mushroom.

We're actually pretty lucky in terms of aggressive monsters though. We take down the occasional rat but it isn't until we get to the southern tip of the island that we meet something new : Warniaks!

These are horrible flapping scorpion bird creatures! They have MASSIVE stingers and racks of eyes! I was pretty alarmed when they first attacked since I had no idea how tough the fight was going to be!

Turns out it was dead easy though! Even Hofstedt managed to take one down with his crummy sword! And I'd forgotten - but these are the creatures from which you can harvest Mineral Orbs.

It's getting towards afternoon now so I cut northwards towards where I expect the city is. On my way I have to cross a weird grid of roots... No one in the party will examine or comment on it, but I'm sure this will turn out to be an important location later. There's a tree stood in the middle and a huge lattice work of evenly gridded roots spreading out for quite a sizeable distance around it.

Further along we come to the crash site!

That's pretty cool - there's nothing much to see except for the scorched ground where the ship landed. It's already starting to be over-grown again now - and all the metal has been gathered up by the Iskai.

"Weird - this must be the crash site" says Tom

"Yeah - but there nothing much left to show for it..." mumbles Hofstedt...

"Come on you two, you're getting maudlin - I can't believe you're STILL laser-drunk! I'm taking you back to town where we can get you dried out and carry on with our important mission. I think you're forgetting that we have to solve this murder mystery so that we can leave the island so that we can find the Toronto so we can let them know not to mine for minerals because of the horrible things that happen to miners..." interrupts Dirr.

Session 10

Now I sort of understand why the people who made this game decided you weren't allowed to rest arbitrarily whenever you like. It is basically free healing and I guess it diminishes the tension of the game if you're able, whenever you finish a fight, to just rest yourself better.

But on the other hand, did it REALLY hurt Eye Of The Beholder so badly that if you ran away and hid somewhere clear of monsters you were allowed to heal up? I know I certainly still got killed a lot of times in that game - so it wasn't all that much of a tension breaker.

Mind you, it was horribly unrealistic that you could sleep for upwards of thirty six hours just round the corner from an army of skeletons without any of them noticing you.

So is it more or less unrealistic that you're not allowed to rest despite the fact that over half the team are actually unconscious already?

Anyway - after I've had my hot chocolate and written that previous bit of blog, I come back to the game and everyone was ready to rest. When they'd had a good kip they were ready to proceed. I guess Hofstedt will've been surprised at Dirr's very casual approach to being trapped alone, half dead in a cave.

"So... you rushed to get us help did you" I imagine him asking

"Well no. I just stayed put until you were ready to take a rest" she will have replied

"you... you weren't panicked - staggering for help through a swamp?"

"Nah - and if you hadn't been such a prima donna about how and when you're willing to rest, I wouldn't have got so much of my book read..."

"oh... what... er... so... what'cha readin'? You have very nice legs by the way..."

"Shall we move on yeah?"

"Yeah... yeah, probably best... I secretly love you..."

Of we go, tramping further into the cave.

And as if this place wasn't weird enough already - as I round the corner I'm confronted with a huge cavern of pulsating green boils. Seriously - every surface is alive with squirming green pustules. I'm not sure at first that it's going to be safe to walk on this stuff, but to be honest there's nothing else I can see to do. You can't examine it so clearly none of the gang think this is anything worth commenting on.

Honestly, I'm coming to think that using first-person mode at judicious intervals in this game was a stroke of genius. The way it emphasises the freaky environments when you feel like you're walking through them is outstanding - and I don't think it's something I'd've ever considered before. If you'd have asked me before I played this game if the camera angle would effect the dramatic impact of crazy locations I don't know if I'd've thought it would. But seriously - walking up to a pulsating room in first person mode feels so much more threatening than it would've in the isometric 3rd person...

Anyway, it turns out it's safe to walk on the boils. The building stretches on for a few more uninhabited rooms - it seems even the monsters aren't keen to live this deep in the mad haunted house.

Indeed, it's almost eerily deserted back here - and since my torches ran out a long time ago, we're navigating entirely on Dirr's capacity to see in the dark. And since she's not amazing at that, there's a wall of gloom that never moves further than a few feet ahead of us.

Deeper and deeper into the old guild-hall we go... Then, as we round a corner, a huge glowing column of light sweeps past us!

This is a twirling, dangerous looking yellow tornado of energy sweeping around the chamber! And yowtch! Here comes another one!

I back away to take a proper look at the space ahead. Two whirling laser columns are rushing around the outside extremes of the room and on the far side is a sort of blue, upside down tear-drop of pulsating jelly - with a large white ball suspended in the middle...

What kind of manic traps are these then? I glance at the clock (which, once you pick it up and switch it on, sits to the side of the screen for the rest of the game). Midnight. Midnight in the heart of a haunted old building that has been twisted by the spirit of a long dead Iskai. Laser hurricanes and a jelly enigma ahead of me, wave upon wave of savage beasts behind (not to mention roof tentacles, floor mouths and wall pustules!) If ever there was a time or place to say "knackers to it, this can't get much worse" this was it.

I dash across the room, dodging the lasers. I'm heading for the blue thing since it seems to be blocking the way out - but just as I get near by, I accidentally pull the USB link for my tracker ball out of the lap-top! I try to use the rubbish finger-pad to get us out of harms way in time, but it's just too lame (seriously, who uses this horrible little pads??! They're just... RUBBISH)

WHAM! The team takes a laser column to the flank! It's got to be all over now...

But wait! Somehow it's not! Some flavour text pops up saying that "the whole party gets a tingling sensation across their bodies". Then the laser maelstrom vanishes and the guys all get back some health!

I'm sitting marvelling at this, making sure I've understood what's happened properly, when KA-BLOOY! The other one hits me too.

Again, everyone gets the tingly sensation - but this time Tom and Hofstedt don't just get the health boost, they get little green face icons on them. Uh-oh, that can't be good... The little icons look like little sickly dead faces. Am I going to have to re-load?

Looking on their stat screens, it turns our that actually the men in the team are "intoxicated".

Basically they've got themselves high off the health-lasers. What a time for it!

"Seriously, couldn't you have held out until we were back in town before you get off your faces?" I imagine Dirr saying

"Woah man! It's like the walls are... like... alive dude!"

"NOT ONLY ARE THEY ALIVE, THEY ARE ALSO HAUNTED!"

"woooooooah"

Thankfully Dirr - the leader of my team - isn't loved up on lasers and is able to investigate the blue wibbly thing we were running for (I've got the tracker ball back in now). I guess we'll have to sleep the effects of the lasers off next time everyone's tired.

Walking up the blobby tear-drop and hitting "Manipulate" prompts Dirr to press her face into it (?!?!?!) and psychically link to it!!!!

"Anyone home?" She mind-says.

"Yes. Conveniently for you, you've just pressed your face into the bulbous psychic appendage of me, Agrim, the 150 year old dead (well sort of dead) Former from ages ago. Lucky it wasn't a giant blue poop eh?"

"WOW! You're Agrim? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PAST!!!"

"Well, I was peeved at not being allowed to be immortal in the regular way. So I became a building instead. Only now no-one wants to live in me because of the tentacles, mouth-pits, boils etc. Only monsters live in me now so I never get to talk to anyone. It's nice to chat"

"Cool! Tell me what you get up to these days"

"Oh, y'know. Nothing much. No one really comes by because of the monsters and the fact that they think this place is haunted. There was this murderer came by a while ago for no reason. But he's dead now because of the monsters..."

"Ooh! We're looking for that guy! Where is he?"

"Well he's dead. But the remains are just through behind me... But stick around and chat for a bit won't you"

"I'll be honest. I'm already bored of psychically talking to a man-building, so I'm going to keep on with the murder investigation if you don't mind..."

"Oh... Well... Ok... I guess... Could you do me a favour though? Could you bring me a music crystal... I'm so lonely, it'd really make a difference..."

"Yeah yeah, music crystal. Whatever."

"Oh, and also - TWO SOURCES OF LIGHT! WHEN JOINED WITH A PATH OF LIGHT WILL LIGHT THE WAY TO A GREAT GIFT... OF LIGHT"

"Umm... Wanna move now?"

So the huge blue dood-dad that I guess was meant to be Agrim's giant haunted Trii shuffles past us, leaving room for the team to creep through into an anti-chamber and loot the corpse of the murderer.

Thankfully the anti chamber's not blobby and pustulous - it's back to the regular flower-power moss walls now. The murderer's body is all crumpled on the floor in front of us and when we investigate it there's not a lot to show for our epic trek through this manic haunted mansion of disco freak-out.

Not a lot... EXCEPT FOR A DISTINCTIVE ANTIQUE DAGGER!!!!

Finally! Our first clue to finding who REALLY hired this guy to do in Akiir! SWEET!

Session 9

I'm just taking a break from playing Albion and sitting down with an Option to write about it instead. It's the white-chocolate-and-raspberry flavour option - I think it's limited edition. My fiancée bought it me because I like the white chocolate ones best and this one sounded exciting. It basically tastes of raspberry ripple ice cream which you can take as a good or bad thing depending on how you like raspberry ripple ice cream. For me, I'm not that fussed.

Anyway, after wiping the sweat off their brows from smashing up those effing rats, the gang take time out to chat to some of the people in the south wind clan house. Also, it's a good place to rest as it's free from monsters and it's the only place inside the city (that I've found) where they don't mind you setting up a camp-fire wherever you like.

I had another word with Mandy Bapsout from earlier - but despite having spent weeks looking after me, she's not really interested in what I've been up to since then. Also, I bump into Larina - who is Wrinn the body-snatcher's wife.

"So what's it like being married to someone who's gone through the sebai ritual?" I ask...

"Oh, it's an honour. I was a lot younger than him when we got married, so when he took over the body of my new-born son it made for a nice reversal of roles"

The deeply dubious bedroom implications of this woman being married to a child that is biologically her own son are mercifully not addressed here. I know the Iskai grow up fast and that they have secondary partners they can focus their amorous attentions on while they wait for their proper spouses new body to mature - but still. I'm pretty sure arrests would be made if this was happening on earth...

Out into the city we stroll. I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't ride TOO high on our recent victory - in the grand scheme of things, having slain 5 rats will probably turn out to be a fairly feeble boast. Thus we head over to the Trainer.

As we knock on the door, Dirr mutters "The trainer who lives here is a LEGEND amongst people round here. For real - he's, like, the best fighter EVAH. Seriously hardcore".

We step inside - the house is almost completely empty except for a massive mat on the floor, a breakfast bar and a scraggy old (by their standards) Iskai sat on a chair in the middle of the room.

Some flavour text pops up when you talk to him, describing him as a scraggy old (by their standards) Iskai sitting at a table. Table? He's SO hardcore that he doesn't NEED a table to sit at a table.

"What do you want you useless little IDIOT"

"Please" says Dirr "I've come to be trained!"

"Right then" - the guy gets up and walks to the mat "How many units of training do you want?"

At this point a number-selecting slide-bar appears - I have absolutly no idea what these units of training mean, let alone how many I'm going to be able to afford! Just to see, I slide it all the way to the mad - 18 I think.

"Fine. I'll train you 18 units better at fighting. Fork over 44.5 gold coins" (weirdly the game allows you to pick up fractions of gold coins up to one decimal place - so .5 of a gold coin is not a particularly unreasonable thing for a person to ask you for).

Dirr gets trained in fighting and seems pretty pleased about it. I have no idea how the experience system in the game works so I'm going to have to look it up. Certainly she doesn't level up or anything after all this training - could it be that it was just 18 XP she got for the training? Considering it's 60XP for just killing a rat this seems unlikely...

Anyway, I go through the whole procedure again for Tom and it all goes pretty much exactly the same (although I think the maximum number of units of training I was allowed was different). No obvious change for him either - so I experiment sending him straight back round.

"What do you want you useless little IDIOT"

"Please" says Tom "I've come to be trained!"

"Right then" - the guy gets up and walks to the mat "How many units of training do you want?"

At this point the number slider comes up with a range of 0 to 0. I select 0.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU TIME WASTING, HATEFUL IDIOT!!!!"

I'm booted out the door and back into the street. Clearly people take the levelling up system seriously in this town! DEFINITELY need to look it up before I try training again...

Ok. So I'm trained - I've got MASSES of food. I'm broke so I can't buy anything. I think it's time to have another stab at the cave / formers' former guild hall.

The journey back is pretty easy - no trouble at all in fact! The only detour I took was to have a nose at a mysterious eye icon carved into the side of the cliff near the guild hall.

"Oh, these things are all over the place" explain Dirr, clearly not impressed "No one knows what they are or how to use them, but they probably won't turn out to be important later..."

I'll believe you Dirr, but I don't believe you.

So here we are again - in the creepy flowery disco cavern. I head for where I met the big-bad monster before and lo-and-behold, he's still milling about.

"Right then you blighter! This time we're ready for you!" Hack, Slash, Stab! The beasty's pretty tough and does a lot of damage when he hits you. But he's also quite uncoordinated and often misses when he lashes out at you.

Working as a team - the gang lines up in front of him to reduce the likelihood he'll just lay into one person and kill them outright. Plus, this way we can all have a chop at him each turn - so even if Dirr with her hardcore warrior skills +18 misses him, Hofstedt might still scratch him with his crummy old-man science poking.

Slash! Stab! HACK!

Thunk! The confidence boost from killing rats does the trick! The team's unflinching assault on the monster turns up the goods - i.e. one dead monster! PLUS you automatically get to loot its corpse! And what's this? Some kind of Trii? Oh-ho! That means this poor dead loser was a Krondir! And this Trii organ from its tail is (if the guy who told me this was telling the truth) irrationally valuable as a trinket in town!

ALSO - I get some Krondir meat! It's not added to my party's food stocks, so presumably isn't very nice. In fact, I think I remember the hunter telling me that it was horrible and the only point of killing these guys is for the Trii thing. But I'll hold onto the meat for now since maybe I can sell it to a tramps' soup kitchen.

Just as I'm feeling smug I'm rushed by more monsters! More stupid rats - only they've brought their bigger, paler friend with them. This is a rat level 2 - he does quite a lot more damage than the other rats and certainly slashes people up pretty bad with his claws! Tom and Hofstedt are left unconscious after the fight, but thankfully Dirr feels sleepy so we're able to rest and they get their health back no sweat.

We round the corner at the end of the passage where these frigging monsters were rushing us. There'd better be something good in there... BUT OH GOD! IT'S NOT GOOD! IT'S HORRIBLE!!!

THE ROOF!! THE ROOF IS ALIVE WITH WRITHING TENTACLES!!!!

I do a swift save expecting either instant death or seriously hard combat. Honest, the whole roof for as far as I can see into the room is covered in thrashing pink tentacles - each one the length of a human leg!

I walk towards them, but nothing seems to happen. Right clicking on them, I "inspect" the abominations:

"These wildly thrashing, horrific roof limbs are obviously mobile, but don't seem threatening" says Hofstedt. Seriously? This can't be true... These things are just freaky. But sure enough, I can walk around under them unharmed.

There's actually nothing much in this room after all though. There's a trash heap with a shield in it for Dirr, but basically it's a dead end. I head back into the bulk of the cave feeling a little indolent.

I've killed the worst this cave has thrown at me so far - lets see what switching on all these disco plants does. I'm ready for whatever fight comes looking for me!

I poke all the nasty grey fungi and light them up into strobing magic party plants. Nothing much seems to happen so I just explore as far as I can through the cave.

From here on there's lots of fighting stupid rat beasties. I did get killed a few times and have to re-load, but I don't think it's too interesting to go through each fight in detail. I'll maybe mention some here and there for the rest of the dungeon, but really just keep in mind that most of the time was spent chopping through a sea of beasties.

As I'm exploring I come across a sort of giant chain of beads. It's not doing anything so I walk up to it and look at it

"Now that it's a little more light in here, the grasping arms have become still"

Well for starters, it's no lighter in here at all - the light from the disco fungi hardly reaches any distance at all - but I guess I know what they mean.

So this was the freaky grasping claw thing that killed me before. Now that I look at it, I can't work out where on earth the grasping arms are meant to be. Maybe when the lights weren't on this string of beads was a little more obviously in possession of claws...

Anyway, I can stroll past it now no trouble - and it seems this cave goes on for miles! There are heaps of anti-chambers to be explored - most alive with rat monsters and Krondirs and most containing trash heaps with minor treasures in them.

My characters level up as I fight my way around the place - to the extent that monsters actually start running away from me! Even Krondirs!

Eventually I stumble into a huge empty room - "I... I THINK the floor is lighting up underneath us!" shouts Dirr!

She's right, as I walk around in this chamber I leave a trail of light-up footprints behind me! It's like a Michael Jackson video! These really are the disco caverns! As though to prove it further, there's more rainbow fungi to be lit up in here too...

These caves are full of mad just-for-the-look scenery. Roof tentacles abound all over the place, there's a room with a glowing foot-prints floor - and then I find some crazy looking decorative fountainy type things.

Examining them prompts the following description: "This is a massive plant, the base of which is cupped to collect water dripping from the ceiling".

Well, it's not THAT massive. I mean, sure it's the size of a man, but I'm inside a plant that is also a building/cave. So really it's only a quite-big plant.

Still, it gets weirder - when I "manipulate" the plant, it pokes out hundreds of squiggly rootlets out the bottom and starts wandering slowly about. I follow it for a while and it seems to bounce off the walls and ping-pong around the room very very slowly. But it never seems to DO anything. It seems like it's just a sort of elaborate door - you have to "manipulate it" to get into the next area, but after that it's just a sort of benign wandering object.

I turn round to go back the way I came but at that moment I catch a glimps of something horrible. Just behind me, chomping and gnashing away, is a giant mouth in the floor - purple inside with horrible flapping yellow lips and massive white teeth.

Indeed, the whole of the room I just walked across following the wandering plant is peppered with these things. I must have got across the room this far by total blind fluke! But now I have to pick my way back between these gobbling horrors.

"These creatures! They stink of rotting meat! They're AWEFUL!" Tom says

"Well, as a naturalist I'm bound to say that there's a purpose for all life in the universe. Even these bad boys. However, I do suggest we try not to fall in one" Hofstedt replies

"I... I've never seen anything like them!" says Dirr.

Never seen anything like it? We must be deep in some bad juju! People on this planet have been pretty familiar with all the monsters and lurking nasties so far. For there to be something new is bad enough - but for it to be a giant chomping floor mouth in a haunted magical architects' palace feels like especially unhappy news.

We tip-toe around the gnashing maws but soon find that the way forwards is blocked by one of them.

Ok, obviously there must be something you can do about them. No games designer puts a gnashing maw blocking a passage that you can't do anything about.

Clicking on it reveals that you can use items on it - but I've got a LOT of items and I refuse to play at randomly picking all of them in turn until something works...

I try using a weapon on the thing, thinking I might be able to kill it. But it doesn't do anything...

Ok, what've I got on me - loads of junk. Hmm - so the grasping arms were switched off using the rainbow lamps. So I reckon it's safe to say the answer to these maws will be inside the dungeon. What've I picked up so far - a rubbish shield, some gold coins, monster triis... and meat! Horrible Krondir meat that the game won't let you scoff!

I chuck a chunk of the stuff into this maw and it immediately closes up to chew on it. I dash over it - just in case it's going to open again, but thankfully it doesn't look like it's going to.

I've only harvested 3 Krondir meat chunks so far. So I'm going to have to be careful not to just chuck them willy nilly into these mouths. But what's this? A treasure chest! Get in!

The room is full of dis-armed grasping-arm traps and I have to take out a couple of rats to get to the chest - but when I do I'm rewarded big style!

Rewarded with: A ring of weakening.

Oh bum. Thankfully I'd put it on Hofstedt rather than anyone important for my fighting strategy- but it turns out it's cursed and he can't take it off now. Arg! Plus it turns out this was an ambush! Monsters appear out of no-where as soon as I've looted the chest! Did Doom teach me nothing? How could I have so blindly rushed for such obvious hero-bait!

Arh - the fight goes baddly. Tom and Hofstedt get chomped and Dirr only survives by the skin of her teeth! And then when it's over the game says "No one's really all that tired." so I'm not allowed to rest.

Now that's just stupid. Not allowed to rest because no-one's tired? People are UNCONSCIOUS from being chomped by beasties! How can they not be tired?

At this point I came up with a cunning ploy and went (in real life) to have an Option. I picked raspberry and white chocolate flavour...