If you don't like facebook

Maybe you'll be interested to know I've set up a Dev Blog for the indie game I'm working on at the moment - The Vegetable Patch.

It's only related to Albion in that it's me that's making it, but I hope it'll be interesting/entertaining all the same.

ACTUALLY - since it's all about plants I wonder if I could convince the chaps to slip a subtle reference to matey-the-man-house in there somewhere... It would at least be on-topic!

http://vegdev.blogspot.com/2011/09/infomercial-trailer.html?spref=fb

What's next for me

Well ok - so It's not related to Albion and I haven't yet started on my next blog-through, but this is what I'm up to at the moment and I thought I'd use this old blog to be as good a place as any to publicise it.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Vegetable-Patch/202712266436207?sk=wall

Way back in the day I made a little puzzle game for the PC called "Vegetable Patch Extreem Turbo" and it had very little impact on the world.

Now, something horrifying like 7 years later, me and some chaps I know are re-making that game for the iPhone / iPod touch / iPad!

It's a very exciting project for me and if you're even a little bit interested, why not check out the facebook page linked above.

Indeed, why not give us a "like" - just as a thumbs up to the game :D

I'm sure that matey the man-turned-plant-building would approve of a game all about vegetables! :D

What's next on Albion?

Here are my predictions for what happens next on Albion:

The delicate balance of resources maintained by the goddess (who limits how much metal the people of the planet have access to by sending monsters to eat people if they try to mine too much) will be exploded. Firstly because I gave the secret of safe mining to a shadowy figure in the item-maker's basements (not to mention the Dji Cantos) as part of my quest - which will allow him to start mining metals himself to sell in competition for the millenia-established miner's guild. This will prompt a pricing war between these two groups where they will each try and under-cut each other so that there'll not only be twice as much metal available to people, but it'll be half as expensive.

Secondly, because there is now an entire city's worth of metal (the carcass of the Toronto) just sitting around in the desert, ripe for the thieving.

This second factor could take things in one of a few different routes:

The Earthicans might use the Toronto's wreckage as currency with the locals to get supplies etc. (Which will provide people a much cheaper way to get metal than from mines and thus put half of Umajo Kenta out of work).

The Earthicans might use the Toronto's wreckage to build themselves a high-technology home on the planet. This would lead them to be the economic leaders of the planet, advancing the available technology of everyone around them and subsequently becoming the Americans of Albion (effectively dictating the culture of the planet even if they don't do it aggressively through force)

The Earthicans might use their weapons to take over Umajo by force.

The Earthicans might be overwhelmed by Albionians who want the metal from the Toronto for themselves (since it's extremely valuable on the planet - after all, the people of Nakiridani stripped down Tom and Hoff's podule at the start of the game almost instantly since it was so useful and they were the most scruple laden people you meet). This would lead to Umajo being armed enough for conquest.

So that's my thoughts on the economic impact of the events of the game.

How about the social impact?

Well there's no thousands of Earthicans who are trapped on the planet forever. There's no reason to expect another Toronto - it's established early on that DDT corp sunk all it's money into this mission (hence why they wanted it to pay for itself irrespective of how many cat people they have to kill). With no supply of minerals going back to earth, the company will go bust - hence no follow up ship from them. (As a side note - the outlook for earth looks pretty bleak as a result of this too. DDT is talked about as being the biggest corporation on earth - its collapse is likely to be a heavy blow to the earth economy that won't be recovered from for quite some time).

There's no reason to expect that other corporations will try and sneak in where DDT failed on Albion either. The planet is significantly further away from earth than has been standard for mining ships to attempt to reach - most likely people will say things like "Going that far out into space seems like a really bad idea - it's obviously a much bigger risk than DDT expected and we don't want to be the next mega-corp to over-reach ourselves to death".

So here's all these Earthicans trapped on a strange new world. They're not going to be happy and - despite having seen the introduction of a documentary on their vid screens about how nice the planet is - there's no reason to assume they'll be friendly with the locals. Indeed, within the Earthican group there's likely to be a lot of factioning and division. Since there's no reason for people to obey the chain of command any more, there'll probably be something of an anarchic period before leaders rise to the surface.

It's very likely that the Earthicans will fight with and kill each other over the Toronto's scrap metal as soon as a few different people notice how valuable it is to the natives.

Most of the Earthicans won't be happy to have given up the ultra-future-luxury of their space-ship life for the rustic discomfort of a planet still at 200ad technology levels.

Most Earthicans will react badly to the presence of magic.

The sudden inject of scientifically minded people into Albion's culture will degrade the don't-ask-don't-demystify culture secretly maintained by the Dji Cantos.

One of Tom, Joe or Hoff will end up telling the Earthicans about the mystical portals that can carry you around the planet. This information will then get back to the native Albionians and completly change their culture of living in one place for their whole lives and there will be a societal upheaval. Additionally - once people have learned about the portals, they'll learn about the Dji Cantos and they will DEFINITLY be un-happy. Most people, when they find out that there's a secret society governing the planet, will be resentful. Why should these people live in a luxury palace on a secret island when I have to make my living as a pig farmer on Maini? Why should be submit to being "ruled" by them (even from the shadows) instead of someone we trust (since all the places in Albion have been democratic, it's obvious that people on this world aren't keen on the idea of self appointed monarchs).

The Kenget Kamulos will have a new leader who (knowing that their deity is actually much less infalable than he expected) will want to re-exert the sect's strength (not to mention get revenge on Khunag who's killed 2 of its leaders in a row). The assassins will almost certainly take on some new venture like conquering the local Iskai and/or Human towns.

War will probably break out across the planet as the Kengets swarm out of their cave city, bad Earthicans (not all of them - just the ones who are disgruntled as a result of being trapped here and are untrusting of the locals) who want to carge a place for themselves on the planet where they live in the manner to which they are accustomed and the regular Albion people whose way of life will have been completly smashed to bits (suddenly they've got loads of machines, instant transport around the world and a secret ruling body).

Add to this the degrading of magic since the goddess's magic is diminished by scientific inquiry (as established in the story of her followers on earth - magic was real but the urge to study the world and disprove it actually stopped it working). The influx of Earthicans from a science based background will spread the ideas of studying and scepticism across the planet, diminishing or irradicating magic in the long run.

Also there will be a whole raft of plagues as the Albionians and the Earthicans give each other their diseases.

I would suggest that the story of Albion is cyclical. Just as the druids fled earth a long time ago to escape the goddess's brother, a similarly small bunch of loyal people will be driven to fleeing Albion eventually - heading to ANOTHER different planet (I'm going to all this new one Bevbeyond)

Another 2000 years later, people from Albion will probably discover space travel again. Then they'll accidentally find Bevbeyond just like the Toronto did and they'll meet the Bevbeyondians - 8-boobed dog people. Then they'll find Iskai and Humans living on this new planet too and have no idea how they got there!

My suggestion for the next game would be a straight up RPG set at this point in time, but one in which you can switch between three parties of characters - each uncovering a section of the plot in different locations.

Team 1 would be the people who go to Bevbeyond and go on a journey roughly equivalent to the one Tom & Hoff went on in Albion.

Team 2 would be another group who leave Albion and discover Earth (now no-longer capable of space travel and populated by just a few hundred people living in a ruined landscape of deserted crumbling sky-scrapers). They must discover what happened to this world (the locals probably don't even know since it will've been several generations since anyone was alive who knew what a skyscraper was for).

Team 3 will be a group who stay on Albion - now a super-technological world of wonders ruled over by a small number of mega corporations.

During the course of the game, players would explore (with their three groups of characters) how and why things ended up the way they did on Earth and Albion and then their actions would decide the fate of Bevbeyond - will you end up stranding a load of Albionians on Bevbeyond and start the whole cycle again? Will you sacrefice the lives of all the Albionians on Bevbeyond in order to safe-guard it against becomming corrupted? Will you agressivly ensure that Bevbeyond is used to feed Albion's resource needs?

I think it'd be really very exciting to play because the plot will be pretty incredibly epic PLUS you'll get to see three totally different but exciting settings.

Albion - still recognisable from the first game but only just since it is now a hustling bustling metropolis world of Iskai and Humans.

Earth - representing a horrible, crumbled glimpse of Albion's potential future if it doesn't sort itself out.

Bevbeyond - representing the lush and happy past of Albion, unspoiled and beautifully alien and exotic.

Well I'd buy it anyway...

Session 43

"No. The point is that we killed Joe Bernard so that God could inhabit his body for the journey to Albion (the planet his sister skulked away to). It was a journey he wanted to make as a man to prove that even the most magical of divine feats - i.e. space travel - are within the reach of even pathetic mortal men when they are armed with the power of organisation and the spirit of inquiry. It was his great, final insult to the knowledge fearing and suppressing Amoeba before he carved her heart out. He was so angry at her that he wanted to ride the Toronto over to her personally and watch it consume and destroy her and all her followers first hand. He didn't care that it would destroy him too, he just wanted the final brutal delight of showing her that order will always catch up with ridiculous liberal chaos and annihilate it. When the last dusty fragments of Albion return to earth in one of the Toronto's auto-piloting cargo capsules we'll know that God is dead, God's sister is dead and the whole world and everything in it has become totally devoid of any purpose at all. The world's already over Mr Wanghammer. When God rides a nano-mechanical, city-sized bomb across space on a nihilistic suicide mission to destroy his sister and everything she's ever created, what point can there be to our continued existence? We're just the burned up powder from the gun that fired the bullet that..." The priest trails off, unable to think of a good resolution for this metaphor. Normally this would annoy him but to be honest, since the world ended he's become a lot more laid back about this kind of thing.

"PROCESSING - PLEASE WAIT"

MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET OF ALBION

Almost forgotten - due to the fact his combat skills are rubbish to the point of irrelevance - Amoeka managed to flee the fight before the slaughter happened. Not that this is going to do him much good. Cursing himself for binding with a human body in the first place, he's all to aware that dying right now would be rather more final than he was prepared to accept.

"You think you can escape us Joe Bernard?" Intone all the AI bodies at once.

But just then there's a chugging, grumbling sound in the air conditioning. The pipes rattle horribly and with a terrible grinding noise the vents suddenly start spewing out ground up, scorched feather dust - clouds of nasty smelling cooked then obliterated dove ash fill the room as though someone had just burst a hundred hoover bags all at once.

This unexpected deluge confuses the AI bodies's sensors for just a brief moment after the fight giving Amoeka just a couple of seconds to scarper before they can attack again.

But it's really not THAT helpful. There's no-where to go!

Grabbing the team by their collars, he drags them out of the room back through the hanger door. There's just one chance - he has to get to the button to close the air-lock to the robot-room again.

BEEP.

He hits the button.

"Oh for crying out..." he starts, then decides there's no time for finishing frivolous sentences. Ok - so that didn't work. The doors are wide open still and the frigging bots are starting to give chase now.

It looks really bad - but Amoeka didn't get where he was today without being a quick thinker. His divine powers are limited to obscure, unobserved interventions in this corporal state. It was quite a stretch to organise that bird-soot delivery when he did - the nature of being a god in human form is that you can't do anything unless it's always pretty ambiguous that you were involved.

There's not a lot of scope right here - these AI bots count as observers so he can't do anything with anything he can see.

Only a few seconds left to come up with something.

He closes his eyes and does a psychic reccie of the walls... There's an alcove over to the west side of the room with no one in it. It's where one of the code segments for the pressure plate puzzle was displayed earlier on. If he's going to do anything it'll be in there... But what can be achieved in an alcove?

"What CAN'T be achieved in an alcove? This ship's a mess of shifting mechanical walls and mobile units. See you later NED! Oh no, wait! I won't! Byeee!"

So, dragging his dead companions he flicks the AI army the V's and runs into the little alcove.

Observers might mistake him for running into the alcove in a desperate attempt to hide from his attackers for just a couple more seconds. A couple of seconds that might just give him a chance to figure out how on earth to move on from here.

The might also mistake him for being completely amazed and gob smacked at the SECRET PASSAGE that has mysteriously opened since last time he was in here getting a puzzle clue!

Obviously people would mistake him for having blundered into this life-line by total and utter fluke - that's one of the things about his powers. It has to be ambiguous that he's done anything at all...

Actually, in all seriousness. This pissed me off. Now, I love the way the game let me get this far without having had to power-house my characters. I love it. I really felt bad when it eventually seemed to say "No, NOW you have to have been levelled up - sorry!"

The fact that you can avoid the fight with the army of NEDs SHOULD make me feel really happy again. Turns out that my way of playing the game WAS completly legitimate after all, right?

Well yeah - but actually no. I'd given up on being able to complete the game when I got into that fight. I only came back to it because I'd been writing this blog and really REALLY wanted to not have to give up on it without seeing it through to the end. All the way through this I've been being very careful to not let the fact that I'm blogging it change the way I aproach it - I've ignored hints and tips my commenters have given me, I've probably missed massive chunks of the game that will now never ever get written up like this. But all so that this blog properly reflects how someone coming to this game in the natural course of things would experience it.

But in the natural course of things, I'd've never come back to the game. I'd've given it up as a lost cause because the stupid thing just hammered me on the home stretch.

But I was blogging it and I thought "I've got to give it another try". And it was only then that I stumbled on the fact that, once you've opened the door to the AI room - you ALSO open a secret passage AROUND the AI room from the back of one of the cupboards you've previously been into (which showed no signs that it was harbouring a secret panel at all).

I wonder if it wasn't so flukey. I wonder if the developers thought "Players will realise this fight is impossible and run around looking for the other path through here that MUST exist since otherwise the game is un-completable."

If that IS what they were thinking then that is a terrible, TERRIBLE design decision.

I love you Blue Byte since you have let me get past this nightmare AI army even though I never power-played your game. But I also hate you for making the option for weaker parties so cheap and cheaty that - in the ordinary course of events - I would never have known it was there and never been able to complete the game!

Anyway:

Amoeka - chuckling at the delicious aptness of the phrase Deus Ex Machina in this situation - drags the corpses of his human friends down the passage far enough that they can rest and recover from their fatal wounds.

"Joe! You... You got us past the NEDs!" exclaims Tom, completly dumbfounded.

Opening one eye, then the other, Khunag leaps up and says "Oh... Why... I wasn't dead at all! It was simply... an ILLUSION!!!" to emphasise his point he attempts to release some doves from his sleeves again, but he'd forgotten that he didn't actually have any doves left so all that comes out is a rubber sunflower; it's head dropping straight to the floor and it's flaccid stem pouring out of his cape and coiling up on top of it like a very long green turd. Then a lone ping-pong ball tumbles out and bounces away across the floor. No-one is taken in by his obvious lie.

"Oh man. Tom, I really hope you don't mind about the me-not-being-female thing..." starts up Dirr - who hadn't expected to ever have the rest of this conversation. "It's just that you obviously thought I was and I didn't want to embarrass you. Then the longer I left it, the harder it became to tell you the truth..."

"Hey - no worries Dirr. It's my own fault. All the other females of your species have 4 boobs. And it's not even like they cover them up so that there can be any ambiguity, since your race considers clothes to be tabboo. It's entirly my own fault and, besides, it was Hoff who had a sort of crush on you."

"You did!??!" Dirr says turning to Hoff (who doesn't remember having had a crush on this obviously male cat-person.

'Seriously' he thinks to himself 'what was wrong with my predecessor?!?? He must've been a proper idiot!'

Externally he tries to pull the face of a man who's just learned that the woman he had a crush on was actually another man. A sort of "Oh crap - now I have to actually consider my sexuality a bit more carefully since it's obviously not as cut-and-dry and I'd imagined".

Only his heart's not in it and he just looks like he's put a whole twix in his mouth, but sideways on.

"Well... Shall we move on then?" Siobhan interrupts the bizarre performance.

Through the next door is the huge vaulted engine room - we've been here before when it was just Tom and Joe.

"Over there! We've nearly done it! In just a few seconds we can kill this stainless steel beast and save Albion from destruction after all!" Amoeka shouts, running ahead enthusiastically.

"Wow - I didn't know Joe felt so strongly about all this" whispters Hoff to Tom. "But then I suppose he did get to know the planet pretty when making that documentary. It's no wonder he's grown to love it..."

As you go into the engine room you are confronted by the ship's captain and his remaining loyal security officers. He shouts you to a stop and makes you have one final conversation with him.

It's not a fight - although I think it might be possible to make it one by saying the wrong thing. Instead you have to talk him round to letting you pass, letting you destroy his space ship and only possible ticket back to earth and his family.

This conversation is very very easy to get right since there is always only one "correct" thing to say to him and 3 or 4 very obviously incorrect things.

Examples include such dilemmas as:

Should I tell the captain

A) You've got to understand - the people of this planet are intelligent, just like you or me! We mustn't destroy their entire world just to make sure our bosses don't go bankrupt back on earth!

B) Get out of the way, fatty. Or I'll bust your face open.

C) Suck my frost rod you arse-hair.

or

D) Han shot first and no amount of "remastering" can change history!!!

I think you'll agree, the answer to this particular one is pretty obvious. And that sets the standard for the whole of this exercise in last minute plot-thread-tying-up. Needless to say I cruise through without making him angry and starting a fight (which I'm sure I would have no chance of winning).

"...And the CGI Jabba was terrible too. A completely pointless re-introduction of a deleted scene and retrospectively REDUCES the coolness of an iconic character!"

"I suppose you're right, Tom. Ok. You throw your seed into the fires of mount doom and condemn us all to live on this planet forever with no way of getting off. At least I already have an in-depth understanding of the main groups of flora and fauna here thanks to this documentary I was watching earlier..."

And with that, the captain and all his men stand aside.

We walk past. This will be our moment of glory... but no!!! What the hell is that!!!

"Not so fast Tom Driscoll! You may have evaded my NED bodies. You may have convinced my weak human captain to let you by. But I, the Toronto, will not allow you to kill me! My masters must be served! This planet is forfeit!"

"Tom" Joe pipes up, nudging his friend "That's the Toronto's brain. It's dragged itself here into the engine room to stop you first hand! That's the tamper-proof, space-proof external booth it's in..."

And indeed it is. The super-computers super-brain is a black cube with one blinking light on it to let you know it's thinking about you. Someone has duck-taped a laser-pistol to the side of it and it's somehow moved itself out of it's position on the outside of the ship and into the engine room. It's sat like an angry d6 in front of the hatch into the reactor core ready to take a final stand against reckless human disobedience.

"You aren't going to take my homeworld!!!" Screams a suddenly impassioned Siobhan running at the cube.

As she sprints across the room, the cube comes dashing towards here too! I have no idea how it's able to move but man it's nippy!

The battle screen kicks in.

Final boss time!

The cube starts a little way up the grid so first I have to move the party forwards towards it. On my first turn I can't get any mêlée characters to it, so my magic users deal the first round of hits... Oh dear... No damage at all :S

The robot turns its duck-taped-on pistol towards Siobhan and blasts her down in one go.

Turn two - we rush forwards again and this time I'm able to get Tom and Dirr to hack at the cube (plus further magic attacks from Khunag and Hoff - Amoeka still can't get his gun to work so just sits watching).

No damage again! How can we lose to this thing having managed to get past the bajillion NED bodies!??

Blam. Khunag's downed by the cube too.

Ok. So I need to use everything I've got! My best magic spells, my best magic items.

It's pretty meagre pickings. Dirr hits with her weapon again. Tom uses his fire marble. Hoff sets off the "Goddesses Wrath" scroll she's been holding onto because she didn't really know what it was going to do, and it was only going to do it once before it got used up so it might as well be held onto until there was no other options. Amoeka just sort of stands around lamely.

Clang. Dirrs sword bounces off the cube.

Futt. Tom's fireball does nothing.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Hoff's Goddesses Wrath spell tares a hole in the air revealing limbo beyond. Celestial winds drag at the cube pulling it towards oblivion. But nothing happens. The spell "misses".

*yawn* Amoeka sort of waits around for something to involve him.

Peeeow. The cube kills Hoff.

Suddenly, the combat is broken out of! Dirr turns to Tom and says

"Tom - there's nothing we can do to defeat this thing! But I have an idea! The hatch to the reactor room is wide open! Why don't you, y'know... just chuck the SEED through? This cube's not got arms - it's not like it's going to catch it?"

"Oh yeah..." says Tom, pulling the magical bean out of his pocket.

He looks at it for a moment.

It's a really nice bean.

"I bet it's firm too..." and he gives it just the lightest of squeezes. Just the very slightest of squeezes. Just to feel it's pertness one last time...

But in the heat of the fight he's be splattered with Hoff's blood as he was struck down, and his hands are all slipper with it. The bean, with just this slight pressure applied, goes pwoik! Stright out from between his fingers and backwards over his shoulder AWAY from the reactor hatch!

It flies through the air and into Amoeka's palm.

This last key to destroying the Toronto and saving Amoeba's planet rests in the palm of her long feared brother. Earth's God who has groomed humanity for 2000 years in order to gain the means of coming here to obliterate her.

Almost in slow motion he closes his fingers around it...

And casts it into the reactor core!!!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!

There is a huge flash of light and the team are blinded (even those who'd been dead a moment ago, but who have come back to life in order not to miss out on the final cut-scene).

There is a sort of semi-animated montage of the ship from the outside. It's metal cathedral-like spires creak and then burst as the bean's power bursts forth. The ship is becoming entangled and snared in enormous vines! The magic of the SEED is sprouting plants all across the Toronto. Giant plants that are breaking it up and enmeshing themselves with it's hull.

The AI is presumably consumed by the power of nature - rendering the giant metal, indestructible monster just a defunct husk interwoven with flora of all sized and colours. Fused with plant-life, the Toronto literally becomes a thing of both Amoeba and Amoeka.

"WE DID IT!!!!" Screams Tom, overawed! "WE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! AFTER ALL THIS TIME WE FRIGGING PIGGING DID IT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE SAVED... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes!" joins in Joe, pumping the air with his fist. "And now all the people of the Toronto will go out onto Amoeba's planet with their knowledge of science and their already detailed, catagorised understanding of how Albion works!"

Why kill his sister? If he killed her she'd never learn. She'd never have to admit he was right - she'd be dead. This way he can twist the knife in even more. His earth folk will go onto her planet and convert all her druids and cat mystics to rational study. They'll use science to take the magic out of everything here too and she'll have to watch it and suffer. And she'll have to know that running away across space doesn't make her right. She'll have to admit that he's cleverer than her. I'll show her the power of organisation and coherent thinking. Why destroy Albion when it'll hurt her more to make it mine...

THE END

Session 42

"As a robot, I don't know how much you're aware of what God got up to before your kind came along? Did you ever hear of 'religion'? When God was younger, he and his sister sort of just toyed with mankind. They set people up to think of them as kings/queens above all kings and queens that exist. It was a bit chaotic and inconsistent for a very long time while the two of them got used to working with people - then eventually they fell out and she left the planet. The problem was the God was too clover for her (this is his sister I'm talking about now). He liked to study things - observe the structure of the world. But she was stupid and thought that took the 'magic' out of everything. You know, he even tried to be nice to her. They had a fight, but he called it off because he knew that just killing all her followers wouldn't show her that he was right. Instead he thought he'd show her the power of organisation, of coherent thinking. His highly disciplined Christians set about converting her druids (no two of which ever had the same idea of what they believed really) peacefully through words. But she didn't like it. She had a sulk and just flitted off, leaving the planet and taking a handful of her backwards druid-folk with her."

Phillipe didn't really know what to do with this information. He understood that the holy commission for the development of artificial life had created him all those years ago. But they'd also pretty abruptly replaced him and made him redundant with the next generation of robot. Having to listen to a priest give him the back-story was a bit painful considering how callously he'd been basically scrapped and left to find his own way in the world. And on top of that it was still a long way from clear what any of this had to do with Joe Bernard.

"Is this really important father?"

"I tell it to all of you detectives when you come along. I really feel that it's the least I can do considering. I mean, you can't really find out about Joe's disappearance without learning about the world being over. And that's the sort of thing that I think it's easier for people to take in when put in context."

"You said before that the world had ended. Are you telling me that this wall" (he put his hand through a plaster wall) "is just a trick of my sensors? That I'm just an AI running a complex simulation of the world when in actual fact there's nothing physically here at all?"

"Um... no. I'm not saying the world isn't REAL. That would be idiotic. No, listen to me and I'll explain."

"Well can you just cut the context short?"

"Ugh. Ok. Well, the point is that his sister leaving really REALLY annoyed God and pretty much everything he's been doing in the last 2000 years has been geared towards getting back at her. In that time he played around with religion, trying to make it more workable and scientific, but really he just lost his hold on it. There were too many religions about - after him and his sister had been just larking about with them for so long. Plus, they started to take on lives of their own - people didn't want to re-assess their understanding of the world in the light of new evidence, so you ended up with claims that the earth is flat despite everything..."

"This is still very waffly..."

"*sigh*. Well the long and short of it is that around 1900, God ditched religion altogether and got into science instead. He didn't have to worry about being king-like, he just set up a framework in the world where people got rewarded (by and large) for cataloguing the way the world worked and organising things ('discovering' things and 'inventing' things). Instead of holding onto ideas - he trained people to celebrate throwing them away when a better one came along. Secretly guiding this science driven world has been his little project for the last 300 years and it's worked marvellously for him. With the construction and deployment of the DDT corporation's vessel 'the Toronto' - he can FINALLY get back at his stupid wishy-washy sister."

"I see. And the point is that Joe Bernard signed up to be on the Toronto's maiden voyage, and that's why his disappeared..."

MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET OF ALBION

Wiping his mouth (did I mention that he'd been drooling?) Nemos gives the bean a little squeeze. Just a tiny little squeeze - like you might give the buttocks of an attractive co-worker who you fancied, had fallen up against and wanted to have a little gropette of but didn't want to get into trouble. Just the lightest little tiny squeeze, just for drama - not so much as it would squash the bean.

Very like an attractive buttock, but bean bulges a little in response to the squeeze. The bean is firm. Perter than you might expect for a bean that's already been put in a salad then on someone's face.

Then, covered in salad dressing, it slips out from between Nemos's fingers and flies into the air.

"Quick! Catch it!" Cries Hoff.

"What's going on in here... Oh cripes! A bean! I'd better not let it fall!" announces another druid walking into the room at that very instant and grasping at the slippery buttock-like bean only for it to go *pwoit*out of his grabbing fingers like a wet bar of soap and fly back across the room the other way.

"I've got it!" says Dirr trying to grab it too but, again, firing it into the air instead.

Several other Dji Cantoses rush in to see what the commotion is and soon they're all running around catching and accidentally re-launching the bean around the room.

There is a full-screen static image of the chaos that ensues. I love these full-screen images and this is probably the best one from the game so far (apart, possibly, from the weird poking-jesus-in-the-eye from back when that murderous hag and her mute simpleton boyfriend were still part of the team). A crowd of dignified Dji Cantoses are all reaching up trying to grab the oily bean and text describes the palava in full.

Eventually the bean falls into the cupped hands of Tom who wipes the oil off on his shirt and gives the bean a little squeeze himself just to make sure it's stable now.

"Wow... So firm!" He murmers.

"So Nemos..." Hoff starts, turning around to find the sects spiritual leader amongst grumbling intellectual elite of the planet - all rubbing their heads or elbows where they bumped into each other grasping for the bean. All except one who, having been fallen against by one of their co-workers, finds it is only his buttock that is bruised. But only very very gently bruised.

"Byyyeeeeeee!" Nemos cries over his shoulder as he rides out of the main hall on his micro-scooter, texting as he goes: "U wont B-leev who I jus tuched up lol chips ok 4 tea?"

"Oh... I thought we were going to enchant this thing with the secrets..." Tom says, clearly confused.

"Yes, well..." Hoff brushes himself down crossly. "We'll just say that whole rumpus counted shall we? Ok? Good. Well no point shuffling our feet. May as well go save the planet or whatever it is we're doing today."

"Wait!"

It's Joe! He scurries over clutching a VHS cassette.

"Here's the video I've been making. I'd forgotten how much I like documenting stuff! Just as well eh, since that's all I've been doing since you left!"

"Joe! Hi! How's the video going?"

"I... I just told you Tom... Anyway, I've really been getting into it. Y'know, it's given me such a new zest for life! I'd always known I liked discovering and logging stuff - but I'd somehow forgotten about it all--"

"When you took up a career as a flight mechanic on a space ship?"

"...Yes. When that happened. Anyway, the upshoot is I've changed my mind. We SHOULD save the planet after all."

"Joe... We were going to save the planet before... that's always been the--"

"Oh. Yeah. No. Totally. I know... I mean... I mean that... What I mean is that I'd like to come help save the planet after all. Y'know, 'cos previously I thought I'd be no good fighting through to the Toronto's power core, what with me being a mechanic and whatever. Only now that I've made this video I could show everyone so they can learn about all the stuff I've been documenting... I think I'd like to do that first-hand. I'd like to be the one who presses the button to play the tape..."

"I dunno Joe. I mean, we've only got one position available on the team at the moment... I was thinking maybe we should get that harridan murderess back... Or the mute guy..."

Joe fixes Tom with a mysterious stare.

"No, Tom. You think I should come with you. Even though I don't have any combat skills. You never know when you might need a jet engine repaired..."

"Oh stop faffing about and come on you two." Hoff intercedes, speeding the whole thing up. And off they go to save the world.

Joe isn't kidding when he says he's completly useless. To get to the Toronto we first have to go through the tunnels of hoover-attachment-monsters that the Dji Cantos are maintaining on the continent of Umajo. Now, by this time Dirr is pretty much able to smash these beasties to bits on her own (having levelled up quite a lot since last time they were here).

"Hey Siobhan! Isn't this your skin?"

"Oh - thanks Dirr! I've been wondering where that went!"

Dirr pulls the skin out of the defeated monster and Siobhan slips back into it like it was a jump-suit.

"Wait a sec... There's another one in here..."

"Oh, that'll be mine!" Tom pipes up. And he's right - he too hasn't had a skin since last time they were here, but somehow no-one had noticed that it was missing.

"Wow - you're right Tom! You DON'T have any skin! I just thought you'd... y'know... forgotten to moisturise or something..." Hoff says helpfully.

On their way through the gang pass a sort of grille of stalagmite and stalactites, behind which is a treasure chest with quite a lot of ace booty in it!

"You can carry this lot Joe. You need something to do..."

"soon... sooooon..."

"What'd you say sorry?"

"Um... I said... Yes. Of course I'll carry this for you. A pleasure..."

Outside the caves the game flashes up some text to the effect of: "The gang nip through a tunnel that Tom and Joe noticed when they were escaping the Toronto before. This takes them right into the heart of the ship."

It's a shame they didn't put this tunnel in the game. I'd've loved to have seen how they envisaged the insides of the Toronto's mines and to be honest they could've put this in instead of the rubbish wasteland of east Umajo (where I previously spend hours of my life - WEEKS of the characters' - wandering aimlessly around).

I regain control of the gang inside the Toronto.

This is quite exciting now since I'm finally ACTUALLY on the last step of the journey...

"We should find a video terminal... So I can show everyone my documentary..."

"Remind me why you think that's important?"

"So that all the people on this ship know about the Dji Cantos. They'll all know the specifics of how their magic works. What the various powers they have are. They'll know the names of everything on the planet. The NAMES!!!!"

"Well now Jow. I don't want to put a downer on your documentary. But if we do this then the Toronto will know we're back on board and it's bound to send people to try and kill us off before we can cause it any more problems..."

"Well... Yes... That's true. BUT - the video also tells everyone that we're going to destroy the ship. And if we don't show it, no-one will know to flee the ship and start mingling with the people of Albion."

"Ah - so you're saying that if we don't show the video, everyone'll die when we blow the ship up. Of course. Well there's a terminal..."

As this conversation has been happening, Dirr's been leading the gang down a corridor that is strangely devoid of people. What happened to the continual hubub of people going about their business at the start of the game?

Well never mind. Joe pops the tape on and everyone sits back to watch it.

"It's quite... dry... isn't it." Says Tom after the first half hour (which details the specifics of the Dji Cantos's political structure, magical capabilities, island location and religious observances)

"Well there was a lot to tell people." Mumbles Joe, a little offended.

"Oh no, I'm not saying it's BAD. It's just... Well it's an educational documentary isn't it. And I was just expecting something a little more lively... But probably it wouldn't have been as in-depth..."

A further half hour goes by and the ship is filled with the sound of Joe's monotonous voice saying things like "The ingredients in the magic berries that allow you to cast spells with them are thus: 14 parts menzomagitherine, 11 parts water, 4 parts oxomysticalthiastrichlomine..." and so on.

Eventually Dirr snaps - grabs a microphone that's attached to the video machine they've linked up to the monitor network and says "We're going to blow the ship up. If you don't all get out now, you'll be horribly burned. Horribly burned almost to death! If not to death!"

There's the distant sound of screaming miners and their girlfriends running out of a space craft while the doors down the hall immediately open. A group of guards (some still yawning having only just woken up from a documentary fuelled coma).

It's the first real test of the teams abilities - and it's really tough. The guards (who are probably all AI driven robots) have guns and we've got nothing but sticks and some crummy spells.

However - Siobhan and Dirr manage to plug away at the enemy while Joe is immediately stuck unconscious.

"Damn you, security guards! Damn you for not believing in the sanctity of human life - no matter what planet it's from!" screams Siobhan, using a magical knife to fire-storm a row of their attackers.

The fight is tough. Very tough. But eventually my team come through successfully.

"Look Joe! Guns! Now you won't be so completely useless to us!"

We pick up loads of artillery but soon notice that it's 100% useless.

Now I'm not sure if this was a bug or my own failure to understand something. But the guns come with "Cylinders" (which I assume is ammo). Only if you equip a gun, no-matter how many cylinders you have about your person it ALWAYS says it's out of ammo. There's no way to use the cylinders on the guns to load them. There's no way to equip the cylinders like you might expect to equip a quiver of arrows. I am completely stumped on how to get the guns to work at all! In the end I give up, imagining it must just be a decision the developers made - you're not allowed the guns since they'd probably be too powerful. How exceedingly annoying.

No one seems too bothered that we've just killed something like 8 (potentially) human ship-mates and the crew set off down into the first-person ventilation system.

"Oh, after you Siobhan" Joe says - indicating the way down the ladder ahead of him. "After all - ladies first!"

Siobhan steps past, but Joe was just a little bit in the way and they bump up against each other for a moment.

"Oh, I am sorry" Joe says. But secretly he thinks "So firm... So very firm"

Which is surprising since her skin's been languishing in a monster's tract for a good few weeks.

Down in the vents we must solve puzzles to progress. This is no surprise and I'm not going to go into any detail on most of them since it's sort of pointless trying to get you to visualise a load of trigger plates and imagine how satisfying it would be to manage to bypass some lazer gates or what-have-you.

However - puzzles and traps aren't the only things lurking in the vents now...

"Oh look, Joe! It's one of thoe cuddle-bots from before! Aww... Look at it coming towards us... Isn't it sweet! Opening up it's top hatch... revealing a robotic arm with a... What's that thing that's attached to it? ARRRRRRGGGG!!!!"

Turns out that it's a cattle prod. The cuddle bots have turned nasty! As it wanders up to us - just like the ones we saw before when we had to get them to land on pressure plates - this trundling mush-room shaped automaton whips out an electrified baton and clouts the intrepid pilot round the chops with it.

Dirr springs into action and clobbers the machine as hard as she can - but it doesn't make a great deal of impact.

Siobhan joins in but really they're only taking a sliver of health off at a time.

Then suddenly KABOOOOM

Oh yeah - I forgot about Khunag.

Stepping out of a wardrobe he hurls a fire-ball at the over-amorous killing maintainance droid - deactivating it in pretty short order.

"Take THAT!" He proclaims - releasing a load of doves from his sleeves and into the confined space of the below-stairs space-vents and trying not to notice the smell of burned feathers as they almost all just stray into the criss-cross lasers of a heat-ray security gate. It's ok because they're mostly carried through an airconditioning fan near by. Only that just pulverises them and leaves the air hanging with feather dust.

Everyone would be grateful except that they're too busy sneezing.

So the hug-bots are evil now are they? That's a bit of a pain in the bum since this area is crawling with them.

Thankfully though, they're really REALLY slow in combat and always take their turns last. This, combined with the fact that they only ever really turn up in 2s or 3s means that Khunag can dispatch with them by and large.

Only then we find a huge glass wall.

A huge glass wall with LITERALLY hundreds of hug-bots behind it.

My stomach sinks. There's a big button on the wall begging to be pressed and I know that if I do it I'll be asking for more hugging than I can possibly cope with. 3 at a time is fine - I can let them kill Tom and Joe while my resident ex-Kenget flames them to bits. But hundreds? No chance.

I want to make it clear too that this is LITERALLY hundreds. Shuffling around behind the glass barrier are more mushroom shaped hug-bots than I can count. It's mental! I've not seen this many enemies at once in the game EVER. Let alone surprisingly-tough robo-enemies!

But this is a great example of why Albion is a fantastic game. I've not been grinding at all. I've not been power playing and my characters are (I'm pretty sure) many-many levels less experienced than they could be by this point.

Obviously opening the door and killing a billion robots is one of the super tough last-dungeon challanges that've been put in place for power-house players. BUT there's another way!

When I decided to take on Joe instead of going back to fetch a decent character (that was a choice by the way - Joe says he'll come with you, but he also lets you know he's going to be no use in any fights. You CAN ditch him and go fetch one of the other characters you've had on your team at other times if you want to have a super-tanked squad for the final push) I was doing exactly the right thing.

Before I open the chamber of hugging I scurry around the dungeon looking for any "chests" (they're not chests here, they're funky little supplies cupboards, but it amounts to the same thing) with supplies in. Only I discover a series of panels that Joe can "repair". They don't seem to be doing anything but since I've found a couple I look for more.

In all there's something like 4 and... yes! When I've repaired enough a different door opens! I'm able to walk AROUND the room of robots!

"In your FACE hug-bots!!!" Shouts Hoff - excited because she was sure she was going to die.

"I could've taken them you know..." Khunag boasts, now safe in the knolage that he's not going to have to prove it. He pretends not to notice the teams sceptical, knowing glances by suddenly being engrossed in holding a red ball between his fingers, rubbing it and turning it into two red balls. Then rubbing it again and it turning into three etc etc etc.

Everyone's in high spirits and we skip through several further laser-puzzles pressure plate traps.

Only then we round the corner and BLAM.

A big gang of Hug-Bots "jumps" us. Shuffling into us and brushing up against the team.

I'm not worried at first but then they take out Khunag straight away - almost like they knew he was their main threat.

That's pretty bad! My front line - Dirr, Tom and Siobhan - do their best to clobber some of the pushy mushroomputers but they only manage to pick one off. Then Dirr's taken down. Then Siobhan's taken down. And Tom...

Joe's completly useless and to be honest he might as-well flee. He makes a move to but is zapped to bits before he can get away.

"It's down to me" thinks Hoff. "This is my moment. It's now or never."

Rummaging in his pockets Hoff looks for something he can use. It's ridiculous - but the team was scraping by on Khunag's fireballs before. He knew it was stupid to rely so heavily on one man.

"Lightning trap eh?" It's a scroll. Looks like the only useful thing to hand. Casting it, it places a small, seemingly innocuous white circle in one of the squares of the battle grid. Now it's the Hug-Bots' turn and they've apparently never seen anything like this before. It looks like... YES! One of the stupid cyber-sex-offenders blunders straight onto the thing. It's zapped and thrown into the air by the force! As it falls down it takes 3 points of damage!

Wait... Three points? That's rubbish! Oh no!!! It's got to be all over now hasn't it?

Well maybe... or maybe not!

"I can move faster than these things..." thinks Hoff. "And they're not too sharp... They seem happy enough to walk onto that thing... I wonder if..."

And so he starts running back and forth across the battle grid. The lightning trap remains in the environment even after it's been triggered and as he scampers too and fro our intrepid, aged scientist lures the machines over and over again onto it's electrifying trigger - chucking his almost completly ineffectual boomerang crystal axe at them all the while. It might not do much, but even the mightiest rock will eventually be warn away by rain...

"Ha!" he cries out "Suck science!! Suck science you stupid robots!" Elated, Hoff dashes back and forth and - slow it might be - but the process is successful! One after another the robots take so much damage from repeated zapping that they crumble! It's amazing! Hoff can't help laughing!

Pretty soon there's only one of the things left! It's taken probably 15 minutes of my real-time life and I'm not completely sure I'm proud to admit it. It's one of those times when I often thought "it'd probably be quicker to quit out, re-load and then kill these guys the proper way... But I've started now...

Only then, somehow, I'm cornered. Maybe Hoff forgot to move - maybe he got too carried away lobbing his axe about... There's only one robot left and it's taken a pretty prolonged beating from that trap...

Sitting at my desk I think "Seriously? Can I have messed this up after spending so long on it? I found a way to move around so that the slow-poke cuddle-bots could never get me and it was working! I can't've invested all this time only to mess the whole thing up by forgetting to move one turn?"

There's only one thing for it. I'll just have to chuck my boomeraxe at the thing and hope for the - OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! The axe actually killed that thing!!!

Stunned silence!

Hoff actually fought off 5 Hug-Bots on his own! Hoff! Rubbish Hoff who hasn't done a thing right for the entire game so far!

If I could high-five the dirty little sprite person I would've! It's amazing!

Everyone rests up and we're back in the game!

"I killed them everyone! I saved the day! Look! Look at all the destroyed robots! That was me! And I used science to do it! ME! Using science! And all I suffered was some very very very slight buttock bruising! Could you ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG"

Hoff drops lifeless to the ground with a smoking laser hole through his boob. Oh no! It's the AI's Bearded Body!

"Ha ha ha Tom Driscoll. You thought you could stop us mining the planet to bits? Don't you realise that the DDT corporation NEEDS all the minerals in this planet? Don't you realise how EXPENSIVE getting here was? This whole trip was a massive risk to the masters. A risk I intend to make sure pays off for them!"

"You're going to stop me? You remember this little guy?" Tom holds up his flame-marble which was so effective against the robo-body last time round.

"HA! You don't think I can adapt? Stupid human! You won't find this body so easy to destroy!!!"

However, we do.

I was surprised actually how easy the AI turned out to be. Really we just rushed him and hacked him to bits (while those who has ranged flame-attacks used them).

It's mad that it's all over so suddenly. I guess the AI is the main baddy - so that fight will've been the final boss really... weird.

Actually... even weirder is the fact that there's a colour-coded pressure plate puzzle to solve AFTER the final boss.

That's odd. I guess it's to allow me access to the engine room to let me throw the seed into it. But it's quite uncommon for games to put puzzles after their climactic encounters.

We wander around for a while gathering fragments of a code which - when combined in the right order - open a large bulkhead into what I assume will be the engine room. Then we have a quick rest so Hoff can recover from his victory killing.

"Here goes then guys!" says Tom, leaning over to press the button to open the doors "Looks like we did it!"

Beep.

Gaswooooooosh.

The doors open.

Funny... Doesn't LOOK like the engine room... And... Who're all those people?

The chamber ahead is dark - filled with back-lit alcoves. And standing in each alcove is a human figure... More than one... as I creep confusedly forwards I can make out that stood in each of the alcoves are two or three human figures. Eerily still - statue like...

As the team tentativly walk into the room a voice declares

"Ok. So maybe THAT body you could deal with... But how about... ALL OF THESE!!!!!"

OH CRAP!!!

THE ROOM IS FULL OF AI ROBO-BODIES!!!

AND THEY'RE ALL RANK 2 AI BODIES!!!!

There is absolutely no fighting. Tom and co are immediately set upon by the Toronto's super-human cybernetic avatars and they pummel us.

The avatars all have guns and all move first. Within one turn Tom, Khunag, Dirr and Siobhan are struck down with laser bolts...

There's just nothing I can do! They outnumber us by so much! Maybe if it was jut one, I could wangle something like with the hug bots - but the gang's down before they can even flee! And this is just the first set! They attack in groups of five - but there's something like 10 groups of these guys to deal with!

Laying on the ground - a cyber-avatar's boot on his neck - Tom looks over to Dirr. As his vision fades and the blood drains from his body he manages to gurgle...

"Looks like we should've levelled up some more after all..." He's right. Now we'll actually never be able to complete the game since, with the team at the relativly low levels I've left them at, this final battle is actually just impossible...

I can hardly believe it! Seriously?! After all that? The game lets me squeeze through this far - then nails me with a brick-wall of indestructible robo-nemesises?

There's no point re-loading since the doors are all locked behind us - there's no way we could grind from this point even if we wanted to...

Dirr turns her mangled face towards her human companion. She's followed him right into the bowels of a gigantic metal monster, the likes of which she'd never imagined in her whole life. And now she lies dying - knowing that her failure dooms the entire planet too. There's just one thing she feels she needs to do...

"Tom... I should've told you ages ago... I just didn't know how to bring it up... I'm... not... a female... ughhh" and with that, Dirr, the turns-out-not-to-be-a-woman-after-all, breaths his last.

"Oh yeah" Thinks Tom. "I should've noticed the lack of boobs..."

Then he dies too.

THE END

Session 41

Wandering the desert, Nemos is looking for a particular hat. The desert is really really large and he has to search for the hat by walking over every inch of it. It takes him days, maybe weeks to do a full sweep of the desert. When he doesn't find the hat, he has to go back to the start and sweep the desert again... He sees himself as an observer might and knows that the search is futile because the hat is in a hat box. But because he knows he doesn't know about the hat box, the hat box won't be there. He knows the hat box won't exist until he's told about it. But he can't tell himself this and just watches himself wandering around aimlessly for ever...

"AAARRHHAGGH!!!" Nemos screams into the upturned salad bowl of salad and sits up straight as he jolts awake. "What an appawling dream!"

"Ah you're awake. Shall we finish our story?"

Nemos groggily picks a rocket leaf out of his beard - un-aware that this is just the smallest part of the got-salad-all-over-his-face problem. He trawls his memory for what exactly these people will've been talking about. The whole POINT of post-office-hours nap time is that you don't expect to need to be any good in a meeting after you've had one. He decided to stall for time...

"Please go on..."

But the story is painfully familiar.

"Well in the end we met with this Sojekos. He was a grumpy old man but told us that HE wouldn't be able to give us the secret of how to destroy metal. But Kossotto could! Only Kossotto was a grumpy old man. Sojekos said 'he's even grumpier than me' - so that must be pretty grumpy (I mean, this Sojekos guy hadn't even yet told us who he was!) Anyway, you'll never guess where Kossotto hangs out..."

There was a pause during which Nemos was supposed to attempt to guess...

"Was it... Inside your... shoes?"

"Um... no. How would that even work? No, he spends all his time hanging out in the deepest parts of the dungeons of the equipment makers. Anyway, we were all 'um, hello - we've just trawled that whole place and didn't see him' and this Sojekos guy is all 'well maybe he went to get some milk or something'. Anyway, off we went back to find him."

Nemos pulles himself up off the floor and looks into a near-by mirror. Something about his face felt weird but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"URGH!" He involuntarily exclaims as he looks at his reflection. His features are mostly hidden, but he knows that to maintain his dignity in front of the strangers he will have to pretend that this salad-face was something he'd done to himself on purpose. Quick as a flash he grabs a cherry tomato and a pasta tube that have fallen on the side and presses them onto his eyebrows. Turning to the team he mutters "Oh, I was just alarmed that these had come off... Do carry on..."

He's not sure why the team are looking at him with the same kind of expression you might have on your face when you catch your hypnotised mum carrying a sack of swag and climbing out of the smashed window of a ping-pong-ball factory... His impersonation of someone who'd NOT been caught doing something without any memory of why had been impeccable, hadn't it?

"Well we went all the way through the equipment maker's dungeon AGAIN - so that's another 4 days - and eventually got back to the monster infested bottom floor and can I just say, I have NO IDEA how you're supposed to win some of the fights down there. There's these fear monsters right - we've met some of them before and normally they're ok because they come in groups of 2 or 3; just about manageable. But when you have to face 7 or 8 at once it's just impossible to do anything! They all just cast 'run away' on you and there's nothing you can do because you lose control of yourself and just run away! We ended up having to run past every fight in there because otherwise we'd only have run-away cast on us and then be picked off slowly as they run up and pinch our retreating bums... to death!"

"Hmm... uh-huh. Yes, yes, interesting. Do go on" Nemos cupped the tiny cube of goats cheese on his chin thoughtfully and over-did the impression of someone who's at all interested.

"I mean, I just don't know how you're supposed to win those fights - no matter HOW tough you are! Well... Anyway... So eventually we're sort of battered from wandering around this dungeon looking for this guy, so we nip over to the healing pod they've got down there that we told you about before. And just as we're bathing in the mysterious curative light, who should pop up but creepy old Kossotto. Ah, and this is the bit I'm a bit worried we shouldn't have done."

Tom clears his throat nervously before carrying on. Since the Dji Cantos are the secret peace keepers of the planet, he's worried that by upsetting the balance of power in the economic engine-room of the world he'll get into trouble. Nemos, however, is wondering why he's expected to give a crap about stuff that's happened anywhere other than the pleasure island...

"So... You know how we didn't really know who this guy was? He was just a friend of this Sojekos who, in turn, we also didn't know anything about. They were just shady characters who it seemed wanted to help us? Well - Kossotto told us he'd give us the secret of destroying metal but ONLY in return for the secret of how to mine without upsetting the goddess. He told us that he was sick of having to rely on the miners\mountain priests guilds to get minerals for his 'work' - but he didn't tell us what that was... Well we thought about it and decided that since the world NEEDED this secret to be saved, we should tell him what he wanted to know - anything, as long as we get the tools to prevent the Toronto eating everything..."

"And DID he give you the secret?" Nemos's lust to know all there is to know about everything on Albion kicked back in as he started to remember the context of this conversation.

"Oh yes. He told it all to Dirr. But honestly, do you think we should worry? See, as we walked away we were thinking about it... Here's a stranger who hangs out in a darkened catacomb with an army of fear demons (which, if you think about it, he's probably summoned - hence their not attacking him). He's got access to the equipment maker's labs (do they know he's down there? None of them mentioned him to us...) and now has both the secret of mining without getting cursed... What if... What if he's not entirely nice? What if he did something like... make armour and weapons for his fear demon hoard? What if he used his knowledge to set up a rival city of manufacturers, but one that's not divided into three guilds - one that's entirely filling HIS pockets? Him and his demon league could completely destabilise the region! We should go back and do something about it, shouldn't we Nemos?"

But Nemos isn't listening. He's taken Dirr by the arm and is getting her to run him through the secret of how to destroy metal.

"Um... Nemos?" Tom calls.

At that moment, Nemos jumps up and down, pumps the air with his fist, saves his game and goes to get a cup of tea.

"WOO!" He shouts through from the kitchenette as the kettle boils. "I can't believe it! We've actually done it! The Dji Cantos have ALL THE KNOWLEDGE OF ALBION!!! THIS IS FANTASTIC! YES!!!! I KNEW WE COULD DO IT!!!! I'm going to go down in history as the man who FINALLY re-sealed the Dji Cantos's position as intellectual secret super elite of the planet! YES!!!"

He does a little dance on the spot.

"Yay!" Hoff claps his hands and runs over to hug his former master in celebration.

"Woah! Get away from me old man!"

"Oh... I... I'm sorry..."

"Ugh! I'm trying to enjoy this good news. I don't need your wrinkly old face-print on my cape."

"I... Um... Well... Well ok... But... Well now - ok. In that case. What about this weapon you promised us then eh?"

"Um... Weapon?"

"Yes. YOU remember Nemos. You promised that these secrets were being gathered because you needed them to produce a weapon. You can remember that can't you?"

"I... Well..."

"You remember how, since last time we saw you, there's been a giant mechanical monster actually eating the planet? You know, irrevocably annihilating areas of the continent of Umajo?"

"Errm..."

"Oh yes. You remember. Because you told us that rather than being able to do anything about it right away, you had to have these extra secrets. Extra secrets that we justs spent a good month and a half gathering for you. That's a month and a half of planet eaten by this monster because you had to have the secrets before we could beat it. Well now you HAVE the secrets. Where's this weapon then? Eh?"

The kettle clicks off in the kitchenette. Nemos struggles - his brain having difficulty catching up. This dreadful old earth-man seems to have a chip on his shoulder about something... Come on... A weapon. A Weapon to slay a giant metal monster... His eyes dart around the room, scanning for something to get him out of this scrape... There's nothing... But then he remembers the salad! He's a genius!

"Ah, well I'm glad you asked me about it." He says smugly. "It just turns out I have the weapon you seek right here."

Reaching up to his face, he plucks off the first thing his fingers come to. Some sort of green bean - ugh! why do people bother putting this stuff in a bowl for him?!

"This - which I've been keeping on my face for security - is the weapon we will enchant with the secrets you've brought me. This will become the SEED... The divine tool of Amoeba that will halt the Toronto's unrelenting mangling of our home world!!!"

There's a sort of deeply-unimpressed silence as the team look at this haricot bean. A silence that is imperceptibly broken only by the whirring of a video camera in the shadows...

Session 40

"Nemos! Good news! We've got both the secrets you asked for!"

Nemos is sauntering out of his office eating a salad. He flicks a chick-pea into his mouth while his brain spins up - trawling his memory for what exactly it is he asked from these people. The trouble with pre-lunch naps is that you're just no use in a meeting until you've had some post-lunch coffee and a post-coffee fancie. http://www.bestofbritish.com.au/Uploads/Images/2104628frenchfancies.gif

"The only trouble is we fear we may have destabilised the economy of Umajo - the continent that's strict, self-regulating policy on information sharing has been both supporting the planet's economy and keeping unbridled, environmentally damaging expansion in check."

Why are there only pink fancies left. What is the point of having a secret palace of leisure when everyone else always eats the yellow fancies?

He put his salad (which was rubbish anyway since it didn't contain any sugar and he'd picked out all the ham already) on the side and started rummaging in the cake cabinet.

"Very interesting my friends" (best not try and guess at their names he thought to himself. It doesn't do for the leader of the planet's most supreme minds to show any kind of weakness) "Why don't you tell me all about it?" (Ha! Stall for time! AND it looks like I care at all! Oooh! An un-opened box! That's two yellow's for me and I shall have one of the browns while I'm at it!)

It is several days since the climax of the team's adventure in the lair of the Kenget Kamulos. Killing the Murder Pope after he'd Murder Morphed into Murder Jesus was - according to the other Kenget high-ups - supposed to be impossible. Interestingly they didn't mention the additional insult of his having been killed by a lady but then they also decided not to take revenge right away. They ushered the gang out of the fortress by a back door muttering about how they were going to have to try and cover this whole thing up. If it ever got out that Murder Jesus - divine assassin legitimiser of the Kengets - could be slain people might start to question exactly how much they want to put up with having a child-snatching, death-fuled sex catacomb in their mountain after all...

Outside, the team had furiously given Khunag a piece of their mind. He'd said he was sorry but that the previous Murder Pope had been the only man he'd ever truly loved and the fact that he'd not only been killed, but also that the killing had been pinned on him, was so heartbreaking he'd've grasped any opportunity to get his own back on the blighters that did it (as he did this he contritely pulled a weeping dove from his sleeve, did a backwards roll into a cupboard then stepped out of a different cupboard playing a sad tune on a violin which, when shaken, turned into a big spotted hanky for him to blow his mournful nose into).

It'd been hard to stay angry with the guy so Hoff suggested that he make it up to them by helping them save the world and they'd say no more about it.

As such, Tom gives a greatly shortened account of how they got the secret of enchanting objects to Nemos.

"Well the secret of enchanting objects was easy to get. We just found our new friend here" (indicating Khunag) "who already knew it and had grown disillusioned with being bummed by the physical manifestation of a god that shouldn't (and, it turns out, probably doesn't anymore) exist."

Nemos choked momentarily on his cake. Then, thumping his chest, he did the smile of a man who'd just been given much too much information about the person who'd only moments ago been asking him to pick a card any card. "So nice to make your acquaintance" he managed.

His eyes welling up at the memory of his beloved former beaux, Khunag just nods in response and disconsolately sticks his beautiful assistant back together.

"After that we thought we'd spend a while selling a LOAD of gear we'd acquired and using up all the training points we'd accrued... I got Siobhan this lovely WAR HAMMER with 20 attack points as a congratulations present... Um... not that we did anything she needed congratulating for you understand... I just... Well we..."

"It was my birthday" Siobhan helps out. "And I just can't get enough of that 'CLANG' sound..."

"So then we got all our magical weapons re-charged and bought Hoff some spells in preparation for our quest to get the secret of destroying metal. What a good use of money THAT was, wasn't it Hoff"

Tom shoots a barbed look at his hapless team-mate who hadn't had any idea that he wouldn't be able to learn any of the spells they'd bought while they were in the shop. As far as he could see there'd been no-way of checking before you'd bought them what kind of magic-user you had to be to be able to learn them.

"Then we went and made use of the critical training Siobhan's uncle offered us".

Another barbed look. Siobhan sheepishly avoids meeting it - it's hardly her fault that her uncle refused to give them mates rates. And besides, even though it bankrupted them, they did get 2 units of training for Dirr and 1 for her.

"And then we set of for the equipment maker's guild!"

At this point it suddenly sinks into Nemos's brain that - HA! - these are the people who he sent out to get those secrets off of the idiot people of Albion! Their coming back here successfully means that there's no more knowledge on the planet that the Dji Cantos don't have for themselves! This was such good news he had the other brown fancie out of the box and propped himself against the wall to listen to the tale with satisfaction.

"Well now, we've been there for weeks since then. You can see that all of our shoes are pretty much warn through from walking. I tell you Nemos - I have no idea WHAT the equipment makers were thinking when they built their workshop. To be honest - what would they have lost from having the one or two offices they had in an above ground shed? PLUS - what is it with people on this planet and keeping deadly - SERIOUSLY deadly - high level monsters in their work-places? Is it some kind of show of machismo?"

There is a pause that Nemos recognises is designed for his input so he makes a sort of nose-basted "Tch" sound and does a head-bob that he thinks will convey enough sympathetic "Yeah, isn't it just typical but what're you going to do about it eh?" to prompt Tom to move on without dwelling much more on this point.

"Well anway - this place was a total labyrinth of passages, each one taking several hours to walk down. PLUS - none of the rooms seemed to have anything in them that looked like it was related to making equpment. There was this room full over levers and diagrams of spikes that I'm SURE was connected to the building's security system. Well that exploded on us a few times when we played with the buttons in there so we eventually just moved on hoping for the best. Then there was this room full of pressure plates (which we ignored at first, but then we found that if you threw a bucked of water on the flames lighting the room you could see a secret pattern on the plates in the darkness which allowed you to access a chest that just had some jewelery in it... Not exactly 'equipment' though is it?)..."

Another pause. This time Nemos did a sort of shrugging head-shake gesture to suggest "Cor - what are they like".

"THEN we found this room where, I'm not kidding you, you had to ACTUALLY JUST WAIT AROUND for hours. HOURS. It had this, like, sign on the wall just that says "8:00 - 11:00" on it. Well we figured at first that this was a clue to when the mechanically locked doors down the way would open so we dashed over there just in time for 8:00 only to find that it wasn't that. So we go back and Dirr says 'maybe we have to be in HERE between those times?' so we give it a go. Well we would've rested to pass the time but none of us were tired and you know what it's like. You can't really rest when you're not properly tired can you? It just makes you feel all antsy and bothered."

Nemos nods. He knows exactly what they mean. When you're awake you're awake and there's nothing to be done.

"So we stood still for an entire day until it got back to the right time." (YOU HAVE TO STAND STILL IN AN EMPTY ROOM AND DO NOTHING BUT WATCH THE IN-GAME CLOCK TICK ROUND TO THE RIGHT TIME!!!!!!! ARRRRG!!!!!!) "and yep! This lever pops into existence at 8 on the nose! So we pull that and it doesn't seem to do anything so we treck over to the mechanically locked doors and check them and yep! One of them's open now too. And in there there's this lever that opens the other and we saunter over to that but you'll never believe it! The way is blocked with spikes! Well you remember that room I told you about with the levers that kept exploding? Well it turns out we have to back track all the way there again (which is two day's walk down passages you know!) to re-doobery the configuration in there before we can carry on. Now this is PARTICULARLY frustrating since we had a spike smashing hammer with us - not Siobhan's one, we wouldn't use a nice hammer on them, but a specific-for-the-job one we found lying around. So four days later (that's 2 days to the levers and 2 days back) we get to go through this door and find that it leads to a sort of mine!"

Nemos is slightly regretting having not asked Tom to cut to the bit where he tells him the secret. Even just hearing about this interminably over-protracted lead-up to their visit to the dungeons of the equipment makers is making him want to bang is face on his keyboard and throw the mouse out of the window - he can't really even imagine why they'd've bothered actually putting themselves through it.

"Well we didn't really see much down this mine you know. Loads of magical barriers about the place - you said, didn't you Dirr - you said we'd never get anywhere down there..."

"That's right. I said 'We'll never get anywhere down here. But let's carry on just in case we get somewhere'. I'm a sort of optopessimist you see. My mother was a prostitute."

"So we're not getting anywhere so we try jumping down this hole we found. Down that we found this staff - might be magical, but not very... it just seems to change the colour of certain flames... - and some more jewelery. Seems they've got a funny set up of moving walls down there. We played with them for ages but I'll be honest with you, we couldn't figure out how to progress and we were being hounded by REALLY tough monsters we just had no hope of killing so we left that bit."

Nemos's mind is wandering. He's thinking about who he's going to put on feeding duty today. Usually the hoover-attachment-face monsters that Contos developed for them only get fed once a week, in order to keep them ferocious. But now that the genetic engineer behind their creation had died, the Dji Cantos were going to have to start a proper breeding program to keep the numbers up and produce ever more ferocious specimens. That meant that the arduous task of throwing dead warniaks to them had to be done at least once a DAY now and since Harriet had mysteriously vanished lately, it meant someone important was going to have to do it. It was going to cause arguments, he knew it.

"...So then past the weird magic curtain doors we found a healing field but there was nothing else down there. Just monsters."

The story stops. Nemos wasn't really listening but he's sure that, since he's not been told the secret of destroying metal, there must be more...

"So... What happened next?" He prompts.

"Guess." Tom says.

"Did... you... find the secret of destroying metal under a sofa?"

"No".

"Did you... All find happiness as a troupe of performing musicians?"

"Nope."

"Did you... get consumed by paranoia in the face of a world where the individual seems insignificant compared to the tidal pull of the masses?"

"Not even close."

"I give up then..."

"We walked for DAYS back to the surface. We had to tramp for ACTUALLY DAYS down those stupid passages all the way back to the equipment makers above-ground house to ask someone for a clue. It must've been SOMETHING to do with SOMETHING down there - but we just had no idea what so we mounted an expedition back to the very start of the whole maze."

"And could anyone help you?" Nemos asks. Feeling the tedium of all that leg-work even just by hearing about it.

"No."

Surely keyboard smashed with hammer? Mouse thrown into furnace? DOSBox flattened and taken for recycling?

"So what did you do?"

"Well basically we wandered the streets for ages thinking that maybe that whole quest might've been a red-herring. We'd pretty much given up."

"I'd started writing a letter to my friends back home to let them know the world was going to be ending soon and that they should do anything they'd been putting off now otherwise they'd miss their chance" says Dirr.

"Yep we'd all given up on any kind of positive resolution so I got a tattoo. Just to see what it was like - look!" Siobhan rolls up her sleeve and shows Nemos a mass of raw and exposed tendons with a sort of bluey black smear tattooed into it.

"Oh it's lovely" he says.

"Well anyway - eventually we found a building in town we'd not been into. So we thought we'd pop in just to be nosey and it turns out it's the halls of the mountain priests. The guards were all 'you can't come in' but I was all 'errm - but it's important!' and they were all 'oooh - sounds important! You'd better come in!' So anyway, then we meet this guy Penkko. He's a representative of Sojekos, but Sojekos wasn't there and we didn't really know who he was anyway and..."

Alas. The clock strikes 5. This story has been going on for FOREVER and it's still not got interesting. Nemos slumps into his post-office-hours nap without warning. Knocking his salad bowl off the side-board as he tumbles to the floor. It lands upside down on his face.

"It looks..." states Hoff "Like Nemos's response to this part of our tale is that it is so drawn out and frustrating that he would rather try and drown himself in vinaigrette than have to go through it with us."

"To be honest, I can't say I blame him..."

Session 39

The executive priest placed his paperwork neatly to one side as Phillipe's caterpillar tracks chewed up his office rug.

"I'm very sorry about this" intoned the detective "my client will pay for the damages."

"I'm sure she will. And how is Mrs Bernard? I'm impressed that she's still sending people to find out about her husband, considering that every single detective she's hired so far has found out the truth and reported it back to her. I suppose she thinks that if she doesn't like them, continuing to examine the facts might eventually change them. But then what can one expect from a cyborg - did you notice that's what she was?"

"PROCESSING" Embarrassingly Phillipe's automated response unit kicked in to give a reflex answer to a detected question while his speech processors were busy - having been sequestered for information analysis. He hated when this happened because it showed up how out of date his hardware was, but there'd been a LOT of new data in what this man had said already...

"Oh dear. You're rather old-fashioned aren't you. Yes, she is a sort of conglomeration of various pieces of machinery who were connected together (kitchen mini-droids, an optical analysis device, navigation modules from a shuttle, that sort of thing) and housed in a human body - which was, itself, then greatly modified; plastic surgery, prosthetics etc. The whole mess just about functions by running all the computer parts' communications through the human brain so that through highly efficient team work their AI's have sort of become co-dependant and amalgamated - not to mention augmented by the natural chemical workings of the living organ. The wretched thing delights in how hard it is to pin down exactly what she is - is she a group of AI's? Is she one AI formed from several? Is she an animal that has been kicked into life through mechanical intervention? The whole thing is disgusting... yet wouldn't it be delicious to study? Too bad the world has ended. Now, I suppose you want me to take you through what we did with Joe's body?"

"PROCESSING - PLEASE WAIT"

MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET OF ALBION

I cannot tell you how awesome this dungeon is. Quite simply, this has been the most exciting part of the game by absolutely leagues. Properly edge-of-the-seat stuff.

It starts out with Khunag busting you out of your prison cell. I don't remember exactly how he does it, but presumably he uses his shunvisibility powers.

"Excuse me" Tom propably called to a guard to came over to the bars. "I'm really lonely. Could you tell me a story?"

"Well ok. But I'll have to keep it short..."

As the guard proceeds to tell Tom The Tale of Walter the Rabbit and his Amazing Dressage Routine, Khunag is able to walk over, reach through the bars and take the keys off his belt. The guard - completely focussed on blanking his caddish ex-brother-in-arms - refuses to acknowledge his presence even to the point of letting him get away with this rather than have to look at or speak to him.

"...And then, even though he'd bungled the half-pass, he knew that what was REALLY important was having tried his best. The end. Now you be good in there!"

"Thankyou!"

When the guard had walked away Khunag let the team out of the cell.

This is a 2D top down section - in an area of the castle I've not seem previously. Since it's a dungeon, I assume I'm looking for a way up and back into the main area of the citadel.

Suddenly - the guard comes back!

"Oi! Get back in your prison!"

"Listen - we don't want any trouble! We're just trying to--"

But it's no use trying to be peaceful now, the guard attacks and I'm forced to kill him (and then take all his sweet armour and his amazing axe!)

"What're you doing Siobhan!??"

"Well he wasn't going to need it any more..."

"Yeah - but we're hardly going to be able to defuse this situation if you rob the body of the man we were forced to kill!"

"Well maybe it's a disguise? Maybe I'll pose as a guard, taking you to see the chamber of secret knolage?"

"But Siobhan, no-one is going to be fooled by this! This is a colony of muscular, hairy men. You're sexy lady with flowing golden locks. And boobsies. And no skin!"

"Well you don't know 'til you try..."

Suddnly "Oh god! Miguel's turned into some kind of bacon woman and let the prisoners out! We've got to kill them!"

Another fight ensues and we find we've now killed three or four guards.

"Ooh - natty shoes..." exclaims Khunag as they put down a gad-about Oqulo. His fighting style had been to hop around the battle grid so that I was constantly having to run at him in order to land a blow. "You can't hit me! You can't hit me! Float like a butterfly, sting like a ARG!!!"

Thankfully his system hadn't completely worked. It mean he was a pain in the bum to kill, but ultimately he was just delaying his defeat - once he'd run out of magic points he could dodge around all day, but he was never going to kill me by throwing no-fireballs.

"This is a total disaster! We can't just kill all these people and expect the Kenget Kamulos to give us the secret of enchanting magical items! What're we going to do!" Dirr exclaims.

"I've got a good idea" Khunag helpfully explains. "Let's just kill our way out of the problem!"

"Seriously? Are you mental? This is a citadel full of trained assassins! How could we hope to kill our way out?"

"Well now, since you're in the citadel of the Kenget Kamulos, you've got to start thinking like a Kenget Kamulos. And they have a saying here: 'no-one eats just one segment of a satsuma""

"What does that mean?"

"Well you've started dealing with your problems by killing people, now you should just roll with it. No point letting the rest of the satsuma go to waste..."

"But... In this example, isn't the rest of the satsuma living people?"

"I killed my way through my Baccalauréat..."

"Oh come on then. Let's get on with it."

And so I completly ditch any thought of peaceful negotiations and just kill my way through the corridors (looting corpses as I go) until I reach some stairs.

But hold on! These stairs are stairs DOWN! Deeper into the dungeon! That can't be right? But it turns out it is! The only way to get out of the area I'm in is down these stairs.

Of course, this means that the screen fade that covered our transfer from the secret passage to the prison cell must've skipped the whole of my team being brought into the prison this way. Which means that Tom, Hoff, Dirr, Siobhan and Khunag must've already seen the whole of what comes next once already (coming from the other direction). And yet none of them seem at all concerned. Not one of them says "Oh god, there's no way we'll get back to the main bit of the citadel through here! We're totally doomed" which is what I'd've been thinking if I'd known exactly what I was about to go through.

Downstairs we drop into first person mode. The way out leads through a sequence of puzzle chambers. In the first you must lure a fire-sprite onto a pressure plate. In the second you must light some braziers by triggering fire-ball traps (everyone dies except Dirr and Siobhan, so they have to rest before they can carry on - a stupid error that I didn't even think about at the time, but which used up a precious rest's worth of food supplies...)

In the next room a tiny button releases a whole bunch of demons!!

Now, unlike most other dungeons, the game pre-explained why there might be demons in this one. One of the boring things that the Kengets told me while I was chatting to them was that creating a demon is dead easy for them and hence they make them all the time just for a laugh (or as guard dogs maybe). I think this would also explain why the druid's dungeons were full of demons earlier on too - Kenget Oqulos just can't get enough of summoning them to show how tough they are, so they'll've just flooded the whole place with them!

Anyway, we find a stash of potions (which up to this point I'd not really been using - I'd pick them up and hold onto them, but mostly I just used magic or resting to do all my healing) and a nice hat for Siobhan that matches Dirr's

"Oooh look! We match now!"

"Snaps!" the girls bond over fashion while Hoff looks on with boiling jealousy. Why had all the girls always locked him out of this kind of friendship and clothes talk? Even to the point of deciding that he's actually a man so as to avoid having to talk girl stuff with him?

The next room is actually quite full of assassins. And my cheery "oooh what an exciting dungeon" demeanour starts to be a little bit rocked by the fact that they're turning up in groups of 3 or 4 now... This won't be quite the breeze I was expecting...

Also the room is some kind of elaborate looking boudoir with an area in the middle marked out with curtains. I can't resist taking a peek at what's behind the lush purple velvet - but am a little alarmed to see that it's just packed with the "fear" demons - freaky floating hands with eyes... Are the Kengets even pervier than I thought?

We kill everyone but only Tom and Dirr survive this time. Another costly rest ensues (and again, at this point I have no idea how precious my food supplies are).

Round the corner from the floaty hand bedroom are two sets of stairs down. Again, my stomach sinks a little - this dungeon looks like it's going to be a bit more extensive than I was expecting. I was thinking that there'd be a bit of a gauntlet to run, but then I'd be back in the citadel thieving the secret. Not so it would seem - turns out there's going to be some exploring and maze navigating...

Down the left steps I meet a new monster type! They're called "plagues" but are actually just zombies. Why have THESE wandering around your castle? Unless... no... they wouldn't be THAT pervy would they?

All the doors are locked down here so I pop back and try the other stairs. Oh god! I get seriously pummeled by some super tough assassins here - Khunag goes down almost instantly as does Hoff (who's got all the magic items). Dirr and Tom only survive by relying on his fire-bead that he's aparently had all along. Very little food left after this rest.

Next there's a sort of chasey-flame puzzle that kills the frame rate. You have to trick loads of living flame sprites into moving onto coloured panels that evaporate them - it's very very tricky, but patience wins out!

Carrying on we pass a statue of the cyber-demon from doom and slip through a curtain into a large chamber filled with booths.

Each booth is surrounded with privacy curtains and inside most of them are couples of demons waiting for your arrival.

"Why... Why would the Kengets keep demons in these little private booths Khunag?"

"Well now, we have a saying here: 'If your companion's out of town on a job, the next best thing is a monster he created by breathing life into an embodiment of his most dreadful fears and emotions'".

"Are... Are these make-out booths?"

"Ooh look! Someone's left a treasure chest in this one!"

Past a fire-ball trap (which is a total nightmare to dodge and we lose more health again) we go down some more stairs into a room full of more monsters and more cyber-demon statues.

It's another tough fight and in order to heal afterwards we have to crack open the healing potion stock pile (not to mention the mana potions - since you don't get any magic-points back when you rest if you've not got any food).

Round the corner is a door with a pressure plate you have to stand on for ages before it'll work. Through there Khunag points out that we've now arrived in "The Beatmaster's Breeding paddock".

This dungeon is epic. I'm cracking through the write-up at lightning pace because I don't want to bore you, but honestly it's immense! The Beastmaster's Paddock zone is extensive and tough enough that it could have been a quite satisfying dungeon all on its own!

I open a door and kill some more wizards for their loot. Some of them are carrying a couple of bits of food which means I can eek out my potion supplies a little longer. Then I start opening cages and letting the animals out.

This is a really really bad move. There are hundreds of monsters in cages here - most of them pretty darn tough. I kill my way though 50 or so (using up all my food for resting and all my mana on lightning trap spells and healing) before I get to a room full of level 3 Kizzes that I just can't beat.

This is frustrating - how am I going to beat the dungeon if I can't get past them?

Well, how about running past?

In Albion, if you flee from a fight you have a grace period where you can't get into another one of about 4 seconds. Doesn't sound like much, but it's often long enough to get away from a scrape OR to get past an impossible enemy - the only risk is that fast moving enemies will kill you before you've got everyone out of the battle grid.

I manage to slip past the kizzes and find that actually there's no treasure in this area at all. ARG! I'VE WASTED SO MANY RESOURCES GETTING HERE!!!

Well... it's ok... I've still got some potions to be getting along with. And some of my magical items still have some charge in them...

I wander over to another area and am attacked by some wizards who think I'm part of their training... I'm not 100% sure what the point of this is, but this particular bunch of guys stop you before your fight and say "Oh! You must be our next test of worthiness! Come on then, let's be having you!"

I just about manage to kill them and get nothing much for my trouble except I have run out of grub again. This is going to make the rest of the dungeon very tough.

I can't rest any more and am having to round around monsters now (this means luring them out into wide open spaces, then scampering around them without triggering a fight - since they'd be able to do me too much damage before I could flee properly and I want to save up the few remaining potions I have). But there's only locked doors and chests wherever I go!

Well, locked doors, chests and more and more pens full of monsters that I can't spare the resources to take on. I can't help wishing I'd been better prepared since, if I'd've stocked up on enough food and potions with the money the Dji Cantos had given me, this place would've skyrocketed my characters's XP!

Eventually - as I pop open yet another pen, expecting to have to run away - THE BEASTMASTER appears! He's presumably been in here feeding the various nasties that are lurking inside.

He absolutly mangles me. I manage to get away just about but have to run a mile on a desperate provisions search.

Turns out there's a few secrets I missed earlier - I find a couple more potions and (most pleasingly) a "frost axe". I find this when I open a door into a room full of rotting debris.

"Oooh - look at all the piles of junk!" exclaims Siobhan. "I bet there's something good in there!"

"Yes, but it stinks of rotting meat and death... And look at all the zombies"

But it's no use arguing. Siobhan has us flitting about the room plunging out hands into the neatly heaped putrifying zombie food just in case there's something useful in any of them and to be fair to her, the raid comes up with the goods! A Frost Axe is an exceptionally good weapon and one that I'll have to make sure I make the absolute most of. No more fighting any monsters unless I REALLY need to!

Backtracking even further I find that a door I thought was locked can be opened with secret buttons. But all it yields is a load of locked chests (and I used my last pick to look at that stupid anvil back in Umajo! I bet these chests contain mountains of food and supplies but without anything to crack the lock they remain completely out of my grasp!)

"Can't we just smash the chests open?"

"What a totally ridiculous idea Dirr. Smash the chests? Can't you see they're made of wood?"

"Yeah - it's only wood--"

"Totally impregnable wood..."

"Impregnable? Are you barmy I--"

"TOTALLY IMPREGNABLE. Come on. Off we go..."

I return to the beastmaster with a heavy heart and low expectations. There's no way one lousy frost axe can swing the balance of the fight is there... or IS there?

Turns out there is! Fantastically I can use the axe's frost spell to repeatedly incapacitate the blighter! He takes almost no damage from every hit on him, but since he can't get away or fight back we're ultimately able to completely smash him to bits! Wahooooo!!!!

Also - turns out that Tom's sword (called a Danu's Light) has a magical healing power he can use... And it's a really powerful healing power... Oops! How did I not notice this earlier? Well never mind - it actually looks like things are on the up and up! And now we've beaten the beast master, the end of this deadly maze must be but a stone's throw away.

WRONG. There's still ages left!

Using the beastmaster's key I head through a locked door (still no joy on the chests though - stupid beastmaster wasn't carrying any keys for those) and find... More stairs!!! Oh no! I'm never getting out of here!!!

Down a floor we're confronted with a fire-ball and lava puzzle. This is a really nice, satisfying puzzle combining a load of stuff I'd learned about earlier in the dungeon AND suddenly they introduce ANOTHER new monster type! The freaky cloud guy!

This frost ace is coming in amazingly handy - finally, since wassername left to hide out with that mute idiot druid she snared with her wiles, I can stop people in their tracks again! I didn't realise how much I'd missed that spell!

The puzzles on this floor are quite cryptic. I push a lot of secret buttons, stand on a lot of pressure plates and pull a lot of levers - but to what effect I'm never quite sure. I have to go down some stairs to a mini-dungeon where mysterious buttons and levers must be interacted with. Then I have to back track (the whole time I'm dodging monsters so as not to have to use any of my precious charges on my magic items) and navigate round a weird timed-portcullis maze (that's sort of like something in a fun house except that it's full of zombies who I have to fight because - annoyingly - there doesn't seem to be a way of avoiding it).

Never mind though because I score a few more potions plus a speed amulet and...

"Hey look what I found Tom!" calls Hoff "It's a musical crystal! Like the one you carried around for ages because that weird building didn't want"

"Fuck you, Hoff."

"Oh but I..."

"Leave it Hoff" (this from Dirr). "Just hold onto the crystal and move on..."

It seems I can't progress at all at this point. I've been everywhere I can and it's not even as though there's a locked door stopping me. None of the levers or buttons I've found and pressed seem to have done anything and eventually I'm reduced to trawling all the walls for secret buttons (this being the only thing I can think of that I might've missed) and amazingly I actually manage to find one!

It's halfway down a huge long corridor where there's no other reason to stop - but there it is and voila! A wall opens to reveal... Some stairs down. Stairs that lead to... EVEN MORE stairs down! I can only guess that this path would've been more blocked if I'd not done all the stuff on the previous floor...

This place is EPIC sized. I think this dungeon so far has been the same size as the whole of Dungeon Master...

On this next floor are two huge chambers of pressure plates. One has a pattern on it already which I match in the other - but to no effect. Round the corner is another pressure-plate/fire puzzle that opens a door to a room where... The floor gives way!

What?!?! I've gone through the whole dungeon and have now arrived in some kind of sub-dungeon cave system? Am I EVER going to get out of this place?

"This place looks like it's been abandoned for EVAH" Khunag helpfully points out.

This new floor is massive. It's sprawling and totally open to exploration. Paths lead in all directions but monsters are everywhere - as are locked chests I can't get into. There's a pressure plate puzzle I can't work out and and something weird to do with door-frames that appear and disappear but I can't hang about long enough to solve any of it 'cos now I'm being constantly hounded by huge groups of baddies. I just have to dash from one area to another hoping to find some treasure or tools I can use to beat back the opposition. I've drunk all the potions I had. I've eaten all the food. Danu's light is out of charges and I don't want to waste any of the mana that my spell casters still have (acquired with the last of the potions) since I'm sure there's going to be a boss somewhere eventually and the game's not giving my anything new to fight it with!

Suddenly I find myself horribly trapped! I walk through a door that then locks shut behind me!

A flame trap is triggered and there seems to be no escape until at the last moment...

The walls give way!!!

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

The releaf of having got through the first-person dungeon is immense! I'm suddenly back in the Kenget Kamulos citadel in 2D. Indeed, I'm even back in a bit I recognise!

Only now all the assassins are angry with me... It turns out that actually my ordeal isn't quite over yet!

"We've got to get to the inner sanctum!" Khunag exclaims. "Our only hope is to take the secret by force from the Murder Pope himself!"

With one last burst of energy the team dash through the halls of the underground city - dodging encounters with wizards and assassins as they go until they reach the chamber of the Murder Pope.

The stage is set for the final battle.

Everyone is exhausted.

The Murder Pope is sat at a table having a sandwich with some of his buddies, then gets up to talk to us.

He starts into the usual "ha ha ha, you'll never get out alive" speech but then...

"Khunag? Is that you?"

"FINALLY someone notices me!"

"So you've come back for revenge eh?"

"Revenge? But Khunag, I thought they wanted to get revenge on YOU? Why would you need to get revenge on them?"

"Well Tom. I actually never murdered the Murder Pope at all. Arrrrrrgh (which was the previous Murder Pope's name) was killed... BY HIM!!!" (points at Murder Pope)

"AH HA HA HA HA HA! It's too late Khunag! No-one will believe you! I don't know how you tricked this bunch of idiots into helping you get in here..."

"Woah woah woah! Idiots? We're here because we need the secret knowledge of how to enchant magical objects!"

"Seriously" retorts the Murder Pope. "Didn't you realise that Khunag, former top-companion to the my predecessor would have that knowledge?"

"*GASP*"

"Is that true Khunag? We're trying to save the world here and you've dragged us through a CITADEL OF ASSASSINS instead of helping us just to get revenge?"

But Khunag is in tears now. "I LOVED THAT POPE!!! AND YOU MADE EVEYONE THINK I KILLED HIM!!!!"

"Shut up and fight."

At which point the Murder Pope channels all the power of Kamulos and morphs into Murder Jesus!!!!!!!!!

What? I thought Murder Jesus wasn't real? Didn't the Dji Cantos say that none of the other gods people believe in on this planet are real?? What gives here?!!!

No time for thinking. The final battle is upon us! Murder Jesus in his crazy hat looms down with terrifying power and a temper to match!

There's nothing we can do! We've used everything! We've got no aces up our sleeves and even re-loading's not going to get us one since we've not had one for ages...

"Oh... unless this would help?" suggests Hoff producing a sun dagger from the recesses of her clothing.

It's the slenderest of threads. With the sun dagger I can blind Murder Jesus. But that doesn't stop him attacking, it just make it less likely he'll hit anyone.

But a slender thread is sometimes all you need.

Hoff focuses on repeatedly blinding their adversary forcing him to move in and use melee attacks (which Dirr can just about absorb as long as every OTHER turn Hoff gets busy healing her).

Khunag can just about pull together some more fire-balls - and so can Tom with his flamy bead. Siobhan has a crack at stabbing him up too.

It all goes wrong when the dagger runs out of charges and there's no way to blind him any more. As soon as he gets his eye-sight back Murder Jesus smushes up Dirr. On his next turn he takes out Tom.

Khunag's got no magic points left so he may aswell not be there and all Hoff can do is Heal Siobhan up.

Siobhan stabs at Murder Jesus. Just a scratch! This is a disaster!

Murder Jesus clobbers her with his mighty divine fist.

She's hurt... But not dead!!!

No more healing coming her way - Hoff's out of magic now too... It's all down to you Siobhan... Don't let us down....

She takes a deep breath...

Raises her axe (stolen from that guard all that time ago)...

And takes her make-or-break swing at the physical embodiment of a killing obsessed god that shouldn't exist....

I can hardly bare to look at the screen....

And then......

CRITICAL HIT!!!!!

MURDER JESUS IS DOWN!!!!!

SIOBHAN FRIGGING KILLED HIM!!!!!

OH MAN I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*JUMP OUT OF CHAIR!!! PUMP AIR WITH FIST!!!! SAVE GAME!!!! CUP OF TEA!!!!!*

----just a brief thought on balancing, while you've read this much already----

I would love to believe that this always-on-the-brink-of-being overwhelmed balancing was intentional on the part of the developers. It's one of those sequences in a game where, by luck, I have been exactly well prepared enough to be able to scrape through but always by the absolute skin of my teeth. One of those sequences where you think "I need to remember this experience and work out how to reproduce it on purpose".

I guess there's a chance it was SLIGHTLY intentional. The huge number of monsters that you never need to fight might well be the result of someone saying "this dungeon needs to be challenging for those player's who've power-played and ground up to this point - so we need lots of monsters in there. BUT it needs to be possible for those players who've got really low level characters by comparison. So most of the monsters should be optional."

To be honest, locking you into a dungeon with a finite amount of supplies in it was a really bad move on their part in terms of fairness. It was really only luck that meant I never QUITE ran out of equipment completely. But at the time the game was made this was pretty standard practice. I can imagine the conversation in the office "If they don't want to engage with the game and buy up all the food and weapons they can before going into the CITADEL OF ASSASSINS then they're an idiot and deserve to get pummelled".

But then again - would this dungeon have been so thrilling if they hadn't made that bad decision and locked me in? If I knew I could be constantly popping out to rest and re-supply all the time? It's only because I knew I had to make it with just the stuff I had that it was so satisfying to get through! The experience of that last dash and fight with Murder Jesus was exactly the same seat-of-your-pants game-desperation you get when you're just 3 levels away from level 100 in Llamatron and you've only got one life left so you know you've got to perfect it despite the levels being crazy hard at that point. But then you DO make it! Against all the odds you're in the zone completely and you're suddenly on a screen full of nothing but cute camels to rescue and the game's telling you you're amazing and you just think "WOW! That's a feeling Gears of War could never come CLOSE to giving me!"